Thanks everyone! I posted this over on the Transgender Talk board but wanted to add it here, apologies for cross posting...
Full-time...darkest before the dawn?
I'm only days from going full time, the plan is next Monday. I'm now out at work and have been well accepted by my colleagues even if one or two might feel a bit weird about it for their own personal reasons. Friends have all been supportive, even the ones who suffered through me the first time. Haven't told my family yet - that is a task still to come, one I'm not looking forward to. Passing in public has been generally not an issue, out of the thousands of people I've walked past, caught public transport with, etc I've had less than ten scrutinising weird looks (that I'm aware of) - and even then I think they probably decided I was a woman and then just moved on. I'm happy enough with my voice to use it confidently in public, shop assistants and the like don't blink when I use it, my shrink and counsellors say it is good and it is almost second nature to use now, not a strain on my vocal cords even if I'm using it continually (like in a counselling or shrink session). I feel utterly natural and comfortable passing as a woman. I AM a woman. All is going well, right?
Except...
I suddenly feel a massive sense of dread. Every fear I had about this at the outset has suddenly loomed larger than life... "I look like every hateful '>-bleeped-<' stereotype ever spewed forth by cis transphobic society"... "I'm ruining my life, it was pretty good as a dude, if not utterly miserable, and I'm upending it to be able to wear dresses in public??"... "I'm an idiot, a joke, a laughing stock"... "Waaaaaaaahhhh!!!"... etc, etc! Worst of all "this will be my life forever"... the wig, the bras, the body waxing/shaving, the clothes the presentation, the tucking, the painful but gorgeous shoes, worrying about how I look... oh god, this is the life of a woman and it will be every day of my life from Monday onwards.
EVERY. &@#%ING. DAY.
So yeah. Cold feet? They are blocks of ice the size of an Arctic ice sheet. I don't personally subscribe to the idea of "he" is fighting back. I don't see myself in terms of he/she just "me"...so I don't think that's what's going on. Maybe I'm just finally realising there's a massive world of difference between the occasional fun outing as Grace and the unrelenting grind of mundane everyday life as Grace. Yeesh.
I'm keen to hear from others who have passed the threshold into permanent full time (or, like me are approaching it). Last minute doubts? How were the first few weeks on the other side? What is the daily experience like?
