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[Murdercakes~]

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[Jamie D]

I don't think he hates you!

But here is a foolproof icebreaker regarding Winter Olympics ...

"Don't you just love ice skaters' butts?!"

Always gets the conversation going.

[kaylagirl0806]

What school is this??! I need to get me a boyfriend!!!!
Love,
Kayla Lynn

[Missadventure]

Lately I've been kinda boy-curious, but it seems to have come at an inconvenient time because I have too much else to deal with to even be thinking about boys.  Plus, there's the matter of not quite passing mainly due to voice, and probably my planetary sized adam's apple.  Always hated that hideous thing.  It probably doesn't help that I seem to reciprocally fall back to a masculine mode of social interaction since I usually feel like I'm being engaged as a guy.

I've found myself feeling boy curious as of late too. Took me by surprise. I found myself randomly having a fantasy about my best friend (god help me if he EVER reads that. I will have no choice but to commit seppuku)... And I've also noticed myself checking out guys here or there when I'm running errands. And, although I still check out women, rather than seeing them as sexual objects I now tend to have thoughts more along the lines of "bitch... Wish I could pull that outfit off!" Sigh... But, I pass even less than you. When I'm at my most feminine people seem to act like they don't even notice, and just default to "that's a guy". I've been waiting for the day that people start to give me weird looks and stairs, or to make snide remarks when they think I can't hear, just because that'll mean I'm heading towards the direction I want to go. I also tend to fall back to masculine mannerism and voice, just because that's how people see me anyway...

Still, whether they're reading me or not, I notice that men treat me a bit differently when I look more like a lady.  And I love to soak it up. 

As of 48 hours ago, everyone I know knows I'm in transition. To my amusement all of the women judged my appearance and decided my look is "librarian chic"... And all the men went immediately to the role of "protector" and started offering me advice on self defense, how to scope out dangerous men, etc. It was cute, and I loved it. But, at some point I had to say "Y'all remember that I spent 33 years living as a man right? I got this..." And earlier tonight a very close friend of mine said something sweet about me. He's always been supportive and caring. But, he's never said anything "sweet" before. I found myself gushing about it.

I think I might be pretty enough, attractive, perhaps even sexy and curvy enough if I dare to say so myself, if only I could pass better.  I might actually have a shot at this, someday, I hope.  I'm still 29!

The guy in me would bat his eyelashes at you in a heartbeat hoping he got somewhere. You're lovely! And you're still plenty young.

It's weird thinking this way, having spent the better part of my 20's as a guy, but.... how the heck do you tell if a guy likes you?? 

Got no advice on this one. I never know when ANYONE likes me. It takes a flashing neon sign, or just about... And, honestly, I feel like I should be able to just answer this being that I've been a guy who's liked girls. But, I'll be damned if I have an answer. Me + dating = neurotic behavior.

There's this cute guy at my school.  He's a really nice guy, but whenever I am around him I always seem to goof up and do or say something bad or weird.  The worst was when we were waiting for something to finish on the computer the other day.  He was trying to make small talk with me.  He asked me if I had been following the Olympics, and I replied something like, "Oh, no, that stuff bores me to tears!"  Then he started telling me all about the opening ceremony and stuff, and I felt really bad because I had just snubbed something that he seemed to be into.  He probably hates me now.  Sigh...    He still says hi to me when we see each other, despite that I always act nervous and weird.

Next time you see him, talk about how the Russian Police singing a cover of Daft Punk makes you lose all respect for them as a law enforcement organization :-)

There are plenty of other very nice, intelligent, interesting, and cute guys at my school, who I'd be totally open to dating.  Now I know why they say the girls come here.  As I am aware, my school happens to be rated one of the top schools if you're a girl looking for a boyfriend.    The competition looks fierce, though, as campus is just crawling with hot asian girls.  And the guys probably see me as a gayboy and are probably afraid of me being attracted to them, because you know how guys are about that sort of thing.

I avoid trusting ratings like that. According to Maxim magazine, the Safeway in the Marina neighborhood of San Francisco is the #1 place in the country to pick up single women. Nope. It's a sausage fest up in there. Likewise, what I've seen of the students from your school, they're predominantly attractive women (granted, I've never been on the campus. But my now former job is where a LOT of students shopped). But yes. Hot asian girls. That's why my best friend went to school there... It's his thing. And now he's teaching in China for a year. So, even if he accepts me as a woman when he comes home, the aforementioned fantasy will never be a reality, because I'm not turning asian. :-)

[Missadventure]

Congratulations, OMG I'm so jealous.  Sounds like you have really great friends.  I think most of my friends already have firmly held opinions and ideas about gender that don't allow for my existence.  Sure, they accept me openly as a guy who looks like a girl, just as long as I don't start thinking I'm really a girl.  I can't come out to them, no way.  They live in a strange and different world.  I have had to distance myself from them in a big way as I wander deeper into transition.

Well... My local friends all have huge ties to your school, being that they all went there. And they're really cool folks, once you get past their eccentricities (most were involved with the PAN club... that may give you some idea)... So, you're welcome to meet them... Granted, we'd have to meet first. But, now that I'm unemployed there's nothing stopping me from doing the Trans*Lafayette thing, so, this Sunday! Yep. Who knew getting fired from a job I hated would be so beneficial 

I was feeling intensely depressed, lost, and disconnected from reality lately.  In a move of desperation I came out to my parents earlier this week, and they were actually really great.  It was kind of a last ditch effort.  I had been in freefall for so long.  I really needed their acceptance more than anything at that moment, to grab hold, and to feel connected to something.  Even though there was a chance that they wouldn't accept it, I had to try, or else I don't know what I might have done.  Things are looking up now.  They are very accepting, and I seriously, seriously needed that.

I'm actually envious of that. My father never accepted that I was his child, period. And my mother passed away 13 years ago. She'll never know her daughter. And that depresses me. Sometimes I find myself wondering how she'd take it. During the 80's there's no way she would've accepted it. But, she loosened up and her values and beliefs changed a LOT in the 90s, only I carried the impressions of her that I had formed as a young child up until her death and never really noticed that "yes, there is a chance she might accept this now". Granted, no matter what, it would've confused the hell out of her. I'm also sure that she never would've stopped loving me, and because of that she'd eventually come around to the idea. But true acceptance of me as her daughter? No idea... Though, I did manage to once pry out of her what she would've named me had I been born a girl. So, that's the name I've taken.

I'm not strong enough to land on my own two feet all on my own.

Here's the secret life doesn't want you knowing about - no one is. We all need to rely on others at some point to help us back up when we fall down.

LOL, thanks~ I think you're pretty, and you seem to have a lot going for you too from what I've seen of your pics, especially being relatively short into HRT.

Awww, shucks.  People keep saying that. Even my mirror says it. My camera, however, does not. That was me joking around and trying to me cute. Instead it looks like my face is melting off layer by layer because I didn't close my eyes when they opened the Ark of the Covenant... Also, a friend of mine tied the sweater closed because she thought it would help define my waist, and instead it just makes me look like a frumpy bum in a poorly fitting bathrobe.

If he went to China for the women, then he should probably be sorry he didn't come here first!  He's bound to grow disenchanted and bored of it eventually.  You never know.  I don't think peoples' trans-racial attractions are necessarily exclusive, and probably everyone eventually opens up over time as their dating pool begins to shrink and morph.

He did come here first. Got a degree in Nuclear Engineering. Then learned the Chinese language, unsuccessfully hit on his professor in that class, then went off to China to teach English. He's found himself a girlfriend over there. More power to him, I guess. But, although he has dated a number of white girls in the past decade, he's pretty much had this "rice fetish" as I call it since we met in 1993, so I don't think its going away anytime soon.

Anyways, short of actually becoming asian, you could always borrow elements from their fashion and makeup and stuff.  If you're lucky, sometimes their clothes will turn up at Goodwill around move-out day.  So many of them come here and buy everything for college, and then dump it when they go back.  I sometimes like to stalk them through the mall just to see what they're up to and where they shop, but I've come to the conclusion that most of them are shopping somewhere else.  I think they have special places where they shop that you can only know about if you're asian.  I'm pretty sure I've seen posters for them around campus but they're mostly in Chinese.  They have a weird counter-society going on here that's more mysterious than their motherland. 

Eh. Not my scene. Although I haven't really yet narrowed down a sense of style that defines me yet, I do know it ain't that. But, yes, the thrift stores around here are awesome. And, Salvation Army is FINALLY sorting their womens clothing by size rather than just by color, which makes searching for things there much less disappointing, since I don't have to see things that are totally cute, then look at the tag and mutter "Size 2! Damn skinny bitches..." But, as to where they're shopping. They don't really shop here. Or, so my friend tells me. They get clothes custom made to their exact measurements back home (cause it's apparently cheap as sin to do that there), then have them shipped here.

But, I have noticed the tendencies to just have things for 4 years and dump it. I'm sure around June the used car market here is totally awesome for the buyer. I mean. Having worked in automotive here, they were the predominant clientele, take great care of their really expensive fancy new cars, and then they just sell 'em when the graduate. Hurts my brain a little.

But I've concluded that my style is "schoolteacher" so I've mostly given up on that stuff~

Lol... You're going for schoolteacher. I'm apparently librarian... Yay academia!

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Yeah I ve been boy curious the last few weeks,,,its as if somehow I feel that I need a man by my side I dunno...Im at a point in which I feel really different from other guys but still dont see myself as a women , on the outside...so yeah wierd...

When I'm at my most feminine people seem to act like they don't even notice, and just default to "that's a guy". I've been waiting for the day that people start to give me weird looks and stairs, or to make snide remarks when they think I can't hear, just because that'll mean I'm heading towards the direction I want to go.

That day will come dont worry , when I first started to get looks about how I look I was kinda pleased that people wouldnt see me as a normal guy or be confused about my gender...but let me tell you what , it gets really annoying to the point which sadens me after a while...
I was always just an unnoticable "guy" just like you , im just waiting to be an unnoticable woman,,,
Even though I ve learned how to ignore and interpret them , the stares  still make me really sad, but I believe that if they d stare at me thinking that im a girl with just a bad fashion sense or something,,,then I wouldnt be sad...
thinking about it , im only sad cause people still see me as a guy...a very feminine guy that looks like a girl...but still a guy...

[Missadventure]

That day will come dont worry , when I first started to get looks about how I look I was kinda pleased that people wouldnt see me as a normal guy or be confused about my gender...but let me tell you what , it gets really annoying to the point which sadens me after a while...

Yeah... I said that... But, it's one of those things that makes more sense in my head that it does in reality. The girl who finally got me to admit being trans to another human being for the first time ever had her birthday party last night. I wanted to go, cause, well, she's awesome and I love her to death. But, she had it in a pub. And because everyones been teasing me about looking like a librarian I went all out. Treated it like I was going to prom. It's probably the prettiest I've ever looked. But, I got there, and the hostess asked me if she could seat me. I'm waaaaaay neurotic about my voice, so I just shook my head no, and then stood there looking around the room for my friends. I didn't see them, and the hostess just kept looking at me. And, although it was probably totally innocent, her eyes became like daggers to me, and I got totally overwhelmed, and ended up going and sitting in my car crying for half an hour and then went home. Definitely not my finest hour, and makes me feel like a total absolute coward. It was pointed out to me later that in the past 7 days I've gotten fired from my job, and come out to everyone I know, so, its only natural to feel vulnerable... But, meh, doesn't make me feel any better about it. I'm 33 damn years old. I should be able to handle looking for my friends in a pub without wigging out because someone was looking at me...

[Missadventure]

Don't worry about it... it sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now.  It takes a LOT of guts to even put yourself out there like that in the first place, and you just exhausted everything you have.  Keep it up at whatever pace you feel comfortable.  It gets easier before you know it.

Thanks.  I was actually just talking to my best friend about it, and he said "its gonna be a hard road, for sure. But, be strong... And, don't take this the wrong way. I'm hoping you'll appreciate the irony of it. But, I've known you a long time... And, I just wanted to say that becoming a woman is by far the most masculine thing you've ever done. It takes balls to cut off your balls." I'm amused. I want that last sentence on a T shirt now..

Heh, reminds me of the first times I ever went out in makeup, and then later, in skirts, first experiences in the womens' restroom...  I had pretty similar reactions as you.  I was a nervous wreck each time.  And I'm sure there are plenty more "firsts" ahead of me.

Strangely I passed those particular firsts without giving it a second thought. Although, they were all in situations where I didn't have to actually interact with people, so I got to build up my comfort of being around people that way on my terms, and when I felt brave enough to interact with people I did. But, I dunno. I guess it's a control thing. I always held the control, and I knew it, so therefor I was comfortable. But, real life doesn't work that way, so I guess I need to start getting used to interactions on those terms.

Well, technically the first time I dressed fully "girl" was halloween, and I was a catgirl.  I went totally all out with this costume, because it was really important to me.  Everyone thought it was totally novel and I got a lot of positive attention that day.  But then things got serious.  I wore skirts again, and kept wearing makeup, and I couldn't use halloween as an excuse to mask the true extent of my queerness anymore.  It's completely different, any day except halloween.

Not to belittle you, because, well, it's still awesome. But, the halloween thing is very much a trope. One I never did. Although, I wanted to, pretty much every year since I was 16. Never had the courage. Although one year I had a boss who was ALL ABOUT halloween, and insisted all her employees be in costume. I showed up without one, and just said "my costume is a hardworking employee of this business." That was unacceptable to her. So she went out and got me a shirt with a witch on it. A womans shirt. Which fit in such a way as to highly emphasize the moobs I had at that point. I publicly protested, but secretly I was like "Hell yeah I get to wear this, and without having to explain ANYTHING." I still have that shirt. :-)

The first time I fully dressed was 2 years ago. I was planning on coming out to my at the time girlfriend. The night ended up being a total disaster, and she dismissed it as some sort of sexual fetish she wanted no part of. And, I marched my ass right back into the closet, so to speak. Didn't try again until after she dumped me and moved out last June, although I had been secretly building a stash of womens clothing which I kept hidden in the trunk of my car (Which, was awesome, cause when my house burned down 10 days later all that survived!) Then I moved here, and after a brief moment of "I have to be a man" I realized "wait. no one here knows me... I can be anything I want! Finally! And meet people on those terms!" So, I just slowly started switching over to a womens wardrobe, and that led me to where I am now.

I give zero ->-bleeped-<-s anymore about fears of presenting.  In fact, if anything, I feel more uncomfortable leaving the house without at least a little makeup, and almost always a skirt.  Enough time has passed that my skills have improved and I'm comfortable using them on a daily basis.  Even if I eff up, it's just makeup, and they're just clothes.

Waaaaaaaaait.... How the hell do you wear a skirt around here on a regular basis in winter? Maybe it's because I spent the first 30 years of my life living in northern california, but, I feel cold as hell outside even wearing like 10 layers of clothing! So, if you got some secret that allows for the wearing of skirts, you need to share, please! 





Anyway. I kinda hijacked and derailed your thread. Sorry! So, back on topic... So are you finding that you have a "type" of guy that you tend to be looking for? I definitely seem to have a very narrow type for guys. Which amuses me because I never really had a type for girls. My attraction to them was all over the place, which in retrospect was me subconsciously just exploring different aspects of my feminine side and trying to get to know it better without being out about it.

[kaylagirl0806]

I've been beginning to feel more and more attracted to men and I have no idea why! Sometimes it makes me feel guilty tbh....

[Missadventure]

How many other dbags do you see wearing khaki boots with a black peacoat? 

Wait. Um... Me. I wear khaki boots and a black peacoat. All the time. Haven't given it a second thought. So I guess there's at least two of us runnin around here... 

[Missadventure]

I had long hair and a younger face, and wore some punkish male shoes with a bold pink stripe on them.  I was constantly mistaken for a girl back then despite not even trying, and although I didn't understand it at the time, secretly it made me feel good inside.  One of my supervisors was this eccentric asian lady who nicknamed me "girlfriend."  Sometimes I wonder about where I might be if I could have had my emotions all dug up and sorted out back then instead of now.

Ha! I too had long hair and a young face for most of my life. I miss my long hair. I cut it short for a job interview in what was my last ditch attempt to "save" the life I had before moving here. But, anyway. On my 18th birthday my mom took me out for a nice fancy dinner... And the waitress came up to us and said "what can I get for you ladies?" I grinned from ear to ear and didn't bother to correct her. I also wonder what might be if I had the emotional fortitude to walk down this road back then. But, whatever. I'm on the road now, and that's the important part.

Wow, that's lame about your girlfriend, and your house... kind of interesting that your clothes survived though.  An augury of a better girl in your future! 

Meh. I went to a pretty bad place emotionally speaking after all that went down. To be honest, had she and I stayed in California I probably would've left her a lot sooner. But, she wanted to live in Cleveland, so I picked up and moved there with her, and the fact that I moved 2600 miles to be with her made me waaay more stubborn about letting go. And the house... Well. Lets just say waking up to a wall of flames was the single most frightening experience of my life. But, strangely. The fear didn't happen until the next day. In the moment it was just really oddly surreal. I woke up, saw the bright orange, and my brain just slowly processed the "Thats... Not... Right... Ummm......... Crap." Thankfully my pets stayed laying next to me rather than hiding somewhere, so I was able to grab them and get out of the house quickly.

BUT. As much as all that sucked, I'm glad it happened. I made a last ditch attempt to stay in Cleveland. And, when that failed my best friend decided to go to China, and asked me to caretake his house here. So. I'm here. And being here lined everything up for me, for the first time, in a way to allow me to actually transition. Yay! And now it's given me an ability to handle negative crap thrown my way that I didn't have before. Getting fired, although this is the first time its ever happened to me, would've probably REALLY pissed me off. Especially given the really bull->-bleeped-<- ass circumstances it happened under. But now I was able to shrug, and say "alright, well, that job was the last hurdle to me going full time, and it's gone, so, hell yeah!"

Haha, people always ask this and I don't know why.  I can't think of a warmer thing to wear during winter.  Seriously, layer that ->-bleeped-<-.  Tights, sweater tights, leg warmers, knee high socks, warm boots, and top it off with a heavy skirt.  Girls do this all the time with leggings, they just don't usually wear a skirt with it.

I'll give it a try! 

I'm not sure about types of guys.  Maybe a gentleman?  One that makes me feel more like a lady, obviously.  They say that nice guys never get the girl, but actually, I tend to think more about men who have been nice to me.  Maybe I see men in a much finer and genuine (and less judgemental) perspective than cis girls, since I've spent most of my life in the male side of the world.

Yeah. I'd kind of like to expand upon that thought in person, since I have some things to say, observations I've made about specific people in regard to viewing them in a different light now that I'm transitioning, which I don't want any written record of anywhere. But, suffice it to say, yeah, I think I too am less critical of men than ciswomen are and more sympathetic. I'm in the position of having somewhat of an understanding of both sides of the fence now (although I wouldn't say I completely understand either side, but, meh...), and, because of that I've found myself playing the role of marriage counselor to married friends. IE. "Girl, he's trying. I know it frustrates you, but, here's what you're doing that causes him to feel that way, and feeling that way is what causes him to do that...." and "Dude, man the hell up. I know you're a sensitive man, and, that's fine, but, you can still be sensitive AND take charge of life. That's what she's needing. Stability. She just doesn't know how to express that, so she gets pissed at you over petty crap, and then you get angry, and no one wins. So, just nut up and take care of your business."

What amazes me is I always have great advice to offer. But my own relationships are always unhealthy and suck. So, it's true, those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. 

[smile_jma]

Asian clothing talk was funny~ It's culture to dress well. We bring things from Asia or buy online (from stores back home) or mix and match like no tomorrow from tons of different stores to look like we do.

I don't think many people see me as a cute girl yet. Maybe a manly girl or ugly girl, but not yet pretty. So everytime I encounter a cutie...I stay away. If they come to me, Ok. Not to mention the voice problem.