Not a phoney, not a fraud, not acting...

[Ms Grace]

One of the things I couldn't shake during my first go at transition was the belief that I was a phoney, that I wasn't a "real" woman and any attempt to align myself with and present as the female gender was essentially an act. Which made it quite easy to throw in the towel once I started contemplating detransition, even when I started considering retransition that old chestnut quickly reared it's ugly head. Fortunately I was able to express it clearly to my gender therapist this time, he got me to talk about it and start to come to terms with it and the grief of not being genetically female.

Now that I'm actually going part-time I don't feel like a fake or a phoney, I don't feel I'm trying to trick people, I don't feel like I'm acting or pretending...as Grace I feel the most real I've ever felt. In fact dude mode is starting to feel like the act.

I know a lot of people heading in either direction seem to feel like they would be "frauds" (judging by posts in the intro section). I'm not sure what I did to put my fear and doubts aside, and would be interested to hear from others who felt that way and how they overcame it.

[suzifrommd]

Exactly my story. I had this feeling that when I went full-time, everyone would be thinking "who is he trying to fool?"

Thought I couldn't let that stop me. My desire to be a woman was too strong.

Oddly, what went the furthest toward convincing me otherwise were my voice and mannerisms.

Through some anomaly in the cosmic cause-and-effect chain, against all odds, clumsy, inept, oafish me somehow managed to develop a sweet feminine voice and convincing female movement. I got so good at them that they were even able to persuade ME that I was almost deserving of the mantle of womanhood.

Passing helped too. When I started making friends with women, some of whom only knew me as a female, I realized this was a far more natural way for me to live than in my male skin.

It isn't perfect. I still have many moments when I feel like I don't deserve to call myself a woman. Most of them are when I'm alone and I've shed the trappings - my wig, my make-up, my collar that hides the the hairy upper part of my chest, etc. But when I'm out in public and in social situations, I am 100% woman.

[Lizzie]

I was just about to post something similar. About getting tired of people saying your faking it, your not really that blah blah blah. I think there's always going to be people that say such things no matter what. It gets annoying trying to prove something to other people but I guess the lesson is to ignore them and not look to others for validation and only look inside yourself.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

I was just about to post something similar. About getting tired of people saying your faking it, your not really that blah blah blah. I think there's always going to be people that say such things no matter what. It gets annoying trying to prove something to other people but I guess the lesson is to ignore them and not look to others for validation and only look inside yourself.

Yeah,l understand what you mean. I don't have too much of that these days, but I still have to deal with my stupid dad and brother that treat me like that. The schmucks will use my legal name but then they use male pronouns. It's like, "HELLO??!!! Do you idiots know how stupid you guys sound?!"

They don't get it and I doubt that they ever will. It's been a little over 5 years at this point. 

[ThePhoenix]

When I was considering this particular transitional trip, I had one incident that sort of underscored my thoughts about being real. 

I was out for a hike with a female friend and her husband.  She made a comment to me about how she envied my hair because my hair had more of a wavy texture to it whereas here was straight and boring.  I opened my mouth to say the most natural thing that came to mind, which was "oh my gosh, but you have the greatest bangs in the world!  And your hair seems so well behaved!  It looks like it would be so easy to work with and do what it was told!"  As soon as I opened my mouth, I closed it again because I realized that guys don't say things like that.  In fact, I'm not even sure guys normally know what bangs are.  So we walked along with an awkward silence for a while until her husband thankfully came up with a new topic. 

There's a reason I refer to my period of living male as my time of "pretending" to be a guy.  To pull it off, I had to pretend a lot.  I had to censor every gesture because my body language was a huge giveaway.  I had to worry about saying the wrong thing because I might give myself away.  And even if I did all that, it still didn't work and I still had a constant stream of people, especially other women, who would come up to me and say that there was just something very female about me.  At the time, I thought I was being real.  But when I started to actually really look at it, I realized I was putting on an act to try and pass as a guy.  I truly was pretending to be a guy.

So now when I have trans* people tell me they are worried about being real, I tell them that story and I ask them which version of me is more real and honest:  the one who was censoring every word, gesture, and movement or the one who is just kinda relaxed about it all and doesn't even think about it.  Then I ask them to apply that lesson and think about its lesson for them.  What involves the least amount of pretending for them?  If a trip through transition gives them more freedom to stop pretending, then doesn't that mean they were pretending more before transitioning?  And that their post-transition self really is real?

[Satinjoy]

I dont know, for me it is just a natural expression of my true nature, but I dont get out transitioned either.  I am just exporing who I am now, without repression, and learning to love that new, frail, uncovered child that has been hiding all these years, afraid of getting hurt again.  No one has the right to hurt that child.  Children are beautiful.

But I dont want to stick stuff onto it, I want it to come from a true center of real conversion and honesty.

No dear none of us our frauds or phoneys, just people searching for ourselves and a little scared of the process.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

No dear none of us our frauds or phoneys, just people searching for ourselves and a little scared of the process.

Or they aren't really scared, they just enjoy living in denial. I already found myself and if they don't want to accept that, it's their problem and not mine.

Plus, I found a little nugget of myself that was just waiting for the right time to be discovered.

It was totally the icing on the cake.

[Missadventure]

There's a reason I refer to my period of living male as my time of "pretending" to be a guy.  To pull it off, I had to pretend a lot.  I had to censor every gesture because my body language was a huge giveaway.  I had to worry about saying the wrong thing because I might give myself away.  And even if I did all that, it still didn't work and I still had a constant stream of people, especially other women, who would come up to me and say that there was just something very female about me.  At the time, I thought I was being real.  But when I started to actually really look at it, I realized I was putting on an act to try and pass as a guy.  I truly was pretending to be a guy.

I too have always referred to my time as a man as "pretending" and "acting"...

It's funny. Growing up my best friend and I used to get into these kind of weird discussions about masculinity. We'd pick the concept apart, and break it down. We'd try to dissect it to the very core of it's meaning. The reasons we entered into those conversation were different for each of us, and it wasn't something we ever talked about until a couple days ago. For him it was because he was trying to figure out how to define himself as a man, as in, he wanted to tangibly understand why he is the way he already is. For me it was because I was trying to figure out how to actually be a man, cause I wasn't, and had no damn clue.

[Jason C]

I'm not in exactly the same boat, because things are still very new to me, but I kind of feel similar. I haven't made any steps towards living as a guy yet, but I'm really scared of it because I don't think anyone is going to accept me as anything other than a girl. And I'm worried that their reaction will have an influence on my own feelings, and that no matter how happier and more comfortable with myself I feel to live like that, other people will make me feel like I'm a fake.

I guess you have to learn not to care about other people's reactions or judgments, because if you feel more like yourself when you live, act, dress, think, speak, etc. a certain way, that can't be an act. Doing what feels right will never be an act.

[Catherine Sarah]

Funny you should bring this up Grace.
The opposite was actually one of the reasons that ggt me across the line.
For so long, decades in fact, I felt the exact opposite. I was being a fake, pretending to be a man. It drove me nutters. Nothing ever seemed to work properly whenever I used this facade. I felt as though I was never accepted as a man, wherever I went. Home, work, social.

Even today, it never ceases to amaze me the power that comes from the freedom and liberation of actually living in one's correct gender.

Huggs
Catherine

[Edge]

I too have always referred to my time as a man as "pretending" and "acting"...

Me too except for I was pretending to be a girl/woman. A lot of it was an act for me too. I copied behaviour I saw, tried to act like I thought people wanted me to, and failed miserably at it.
I did struggle for awhile with thinking I wasn't a "real" man. Most of my dysphoria is body-related and it was easier to deny it than accept that I do feel like I'm "in the wrong body." (I know not everyone does, but I do.) Fortunately for me, I'm more keen on facing problems once I figure out they're there. It helps that every step I've taken toward being the man I am has made me much happier and more comfortable with myself mentally. (Not physically though. That feels worse.)

[justjournalhonestly]

First off I have to say Edge is on fire with a couple of wonderfully thoughtful and intelligent posts. Being new to trying to understand myself better, such posts are invaluable (as are the vast majority of all posts here at Susan's.)

I totally am scared, but I am trying to accept that the fear is part of what makes me me. I am a male beast due to male programming, acting, and overcompensating to meet my perceived expectations of me. I have been acting the role for 45 years, and am unfortunately extremely good at acting the role. I still recall memories where I walk into situations telling myself "now be ready to act like" this and that to make sure I came off as the composed, in control, fearless man that I should be but really am not. I know the Marine Corps taught me that everyone does have fear, but bravery is what allows us to overcome those fears. SO LORD KNOWS I am trying to be brave.

That being said, obviously a great many of my actions in life have been phoney. However, now as I change, I fear falling into that same trap going into situations telling myself "now be ready to act like" this and that to make sure I come off not as the composed, in control, brave female I know I am, but as a phoney act of the most feminine female I can be to overcompensate in my attempts to prove my real gender to others. Not that they would even be looking for that, which makes me fear doing it even more.

I loved Satinjoy's take on this matter.

I dont know, for me it is just a natural expression of my true nature, but I don't get out transitioned either.  I am just exploring who I am now, without repression, and learning to love that new, frail, uncovered child that has been hiding all these years, afraid of getting hurt again.  No one has the right to hurt that child.  Children are beautiful.

But I dont want to stick stuff onto it, I want it to come from a true center of real conversion and honesty.

No dear none of us our frauds or phonies, just people searching for ourselves and a little scared of the process.

I hope to do just this very thing each and everyday, moving forward until I transition into the afterlife. It also makes me think my act as a male was natural in it's own way, as in the action of acting was my natural response. Thus, even if I do overcompensate at times and fall into a bit of an act to prove I am female in the future, I suspect the act itself will be natural and a form of feeling out what are my real boundaries. How else will I find out that maybe, just maybe, I am much more feminine than I yet realize? And that I am not the composed, in control, brave female that my still currently restrained by male programming mind thinks I will be. I have no clue, and that too I fear, but am glad I can finally admit it and try to be brave rather than hide behind a series of acts for another 45 years.

[Edge]

First off I have to say Edge is on fire with a couple of wonderfully thoughtful and intelligent posts.

Thank you.

Thus, even if I do overcompensate at times and fall into a bit of an act to prove I am female in the future, I suspect the act itself will be natural and a form of feeling out what are my real boundaries.

I think you hit the nail on the head there. I know there have been several times in my life where I was confused and experimented to figure out where I feel comfortable. It's an ongoing part of life I think.
Being scared and having a difficult time doesn't make you any less brave. To quote a picture I've seen around facebook, "Do not judge me by my bad days because those are the days I am fighting my hardest." Does that make sense?

[Ms Grace]

Thanks all for your wonderfully insightful replies. It now occurs to me that the other thing my counsellor challenged me on and which no doubt helped clear up my perceptions of phoniness was my internalised transphobia.

Like a lot of folk in our situation I really had the hardest time accepting myself as trans* even though it was screamingly obvious I was. That transphobia essentially fed me every excuse under the sun to keep me from living as myself. I got so close to it some 23 years ago and let it scupper me, let it leave me living a marginal life in a gender I knew deep down wasn't me. Acknowledging that transphobia and sweeping it aside stopped the thoughts about phoniness.

As others have pointed out, living their assigned gender was what felt like the act. I am a gentle, expressive and sensitive person, and I know that men can and should be - I certainly brought that to my male presentation but never to the full extent that I knew I was capable of. People who know me in full male mode would probably regard me as reserved, restrained, even a bit morose...and that's exactly how I felt, that I was holding myself back. Those who have met me only as Grace certainly wouldn't say that about me, I'm almost the complete opposite...and that's what feels like the real me. So I basically used the transphobia to paint my true self expression as phoney when in fact that's exactly what my attempts to fit in as male ultimately were.

[Christine Eryn]

Ya know, the thing is, in my years of transitioning and interacting with doctors, therapists, and support groups, I expected someone to say you're fooling yourself and you'll never make it. No one ever did. Sometimes I think, "I can actually do this". 

[ThePhoenix]

Ya know, the thing is, in my years of transitioning and interacting with doctors, therapists, and support groups, I expected someone to say you're fooling yourself and you'll never make it. No one ever did. Sometimes I think, "I can actually do this". 

Methinks that's probably because you can do this.

[E-Brennan]

Perhaps the male part is the fraud?  And for sure, gender as being fixed at birth in a binary framework is the wider societal fraud.  But enough philosophizing...

Here's how I cope.  I too know that I'm a pretty pathetic guy at the best of times, and right now I make a pretty pathetic (and not actually pretty) girl.

But what I am is a 100% transgender person, and that's a huge umbrella to fall under.  While I'd like to be a 100% authentic girl one day, I kinda know I never, ever will be (although YMMV).  But I can embrace my transness as a totally acceptable, loveable, beautiful and awesome place to be.

(Or I can embrace that sometimes.  Most of the time, I'm in a miserable mood because I wasn't born female and think I'm faking it.   )

[DiDi]

^^ This. First I want to realize that I am a phoney / fraud of a "man" on the inside and may end up a phoney / fraud of a "woman" on the outside when this is all "over" (if ever). Until then, I think I need to try being a real honest Trans, whatever that means. I am so happy the term is such a large umbrella. I need to shelter myself under it right now.

[Jessica Merriman]

As others have pointed out, living their assigned gender was what felt like the act. I am a gentle, expressive and sensitive person, and I know that men can and should be - I certainly brought that to my male presentation but never to the full extent that I knew I was capable of. People who know me in full male mode would probably regard me as reserved, restrained, even a bit morose...and that's exactly how I felt, that I was holding myself back. Those who have met me only as Grace certainly wouldn't say that about me, I'm almost the complete opposite...and that's what feels like the real me. So I basically used the transphobia to paint my true self expression as phoney when in fact that's exactly what my attempts to fit in as male ultimately were.

I am starting to think we are blood relations Grace, this is totally how I felt! WOW!