Mostly a rant

[Jared]

I guess it's mostly a rant and a question. It's more than a year that my girlfriend died and there are some days I just can't deal with that fact. She was so young and it's just not fair. I have a history of self harming and these days I can't deal with her death becomes more intense. I know the self harm comes from the fact that I hate way I was born and has nothing to do with other things, but I just really want to ease this pain however I can. What do you guys do to forget about your loss? I think about these things at night when I go to bed or days I know I don't have to wake up early. Please tell me about anything that helps you relax or find any other way to not think about what you don't want. I hope it was clear, sorry I don't know what to do. I don't even know if this topic belongs to here, if not I'm sorry, I ask a mod to remove it. Thanks the possibility to share it.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Jared! In my career I lost a lot of people who I desperately tried to save. Some of them were my partners at the Fire Station (I lost three firefighters in one day), family friends and even family members themselves. I just had to remember that even though I did my best I am not in control of the universe. I deal with it by living for them and holding myself accountable to them by doing things they cant anymore. I am also the one who does not forget them so in my heart they are still alive and I keep their memory alive by sharing stories about things they did with others perpetuating their memories. Who will keep their thoughts and memories alive if you are gone? This philosophy works for me and lets me deal with it very well, I hope it can for you as well. We owe it to them to live every day to the fullest and without regret or sadness.

[stephaniec]

well, I don't know if your religious or spiritual . that's how I've made it through life it's really the only reason I'm still alive. Other than that I hope the best for you in this time of pain.

[timbuck2]

Exercise.
I was never a self harmer in the sense that I'd cut or burn myself but on very bad days I would put myself in situations where I would get injured. One day I realized injuring myself made no sense and only eased the pain because thats what I mentally made it do...at the end of the day the  pain was still there. It's all in your head. So Instead, I learned to go on really long walks, run like I was being chased by a pack of wolves, and lifting heavy weights. It helped immensely and caused positive changes. I'd suggest you do the same because self harm will get you absolutely nowhere: there are no benefits.

Other than that STAY BUSY! When you get into bed at night you wanna be so exhausted you pass out with no time for any negative thoughts.

[Calder Smith]

I'm sorry to hear this Jared.

I'm not religious myself but if you are, use that to keep you going. Or take part in a group or take up a hobby to keep you focused on something else.

I have self-harmed myself and dealt with depression so I understand the struggle. I've focused on playing hockey and in the spring I will start working out to put my mind on something other than the things that make me depressed. I haven't cut in nearly 3 months now.

[Ms Grace]

I am sorry to hear of your girlfriend's loss and the pain it is causing you - obviously I never knew her, but I can only imagine that she loved you very much and that she would want you to have a beautiful, full and happy life despite her not being able to be a physical presence in it. It's hard to move on from a devastating loss, it can take years - if you can you should try talking to a grief counsellor so they can help guide you to a happier place. 

[Dalex]

I'm sorry about your loss.

I have lost a few friends and family over the years so I can understand sometimes the loss does overwhelm you. As corny and silly this might sound, the trick is not to forget but live with it. Loosing someone close changes you, and something as big like that you don't just get over it and forget. But I can understand why that would be the first thought when the loss overwhelms you to the point of self harm. It is understandable why you wish to forget.

Have you ever tried Mindfulness meditation? Mindfulness meditation is not going to be the magic solution and work right away, but with time and practice it can do wonders. Mindfulness meditation really teaches you to just be in the moment.

I think about these things at night when I go to bed or days I know I don't have to wake up early.

It seems those kinds of thoughts always try to stay put when we are about to go to sleep and already feel a bit tired, and being in that state and under a duvet or a blanket, with the lights turned off, those feelings actually multiplies a bit more in that setting. I have found at those time   that usually helps is to close my eyes, imagine that the room is filled with a white light and each time I take a breath, I breath in some of that white light and then as I exhale, I breath out a smoke in some musky dark color that represents what overwhelms me. When my mind begins to calm, I move over to mindfulness meditation.

I wouldn't say that Mindfulness meditation is anything spiritual or anything like that. All it does it try to get thoughts into the moment, live in today, and not having your mind in the past or worrying about the future.

What Ms Grace said is also something that could be a big help, a grief counselor but I think perhaps just seeing someone professional in general could help, especially since the self harming originates from somewhere else.

I hope that my long post made any sense at all, and if it did, I hope it helped.

If you ever need someone to listen, you can always send me a message

[Jared]

Thank you everyone. I really like Jessica's and Ms Grace's attitude, I'll try to remember your words when it gets bad.
I'm not religious at all but I'm glad you found it to be helpful stephanie.
I started to go to the gym a month ago maybe and sometimes I go out for a run, it's really helpful during the day, usually I can't deal with stuff at night. It's a bit complicated to stay busy, I don't have friends, a job, this semester is passive for me at school and I live far from my family. I'd like to have a part time job which I haven't found yet.
I know self harming won't get me anywhere and I haven't done it for years I think. Sometimes I think about it cause I know what to do with that pain while I don't really know what to do with inner pain. Congrats to you Mr Hockey for not doing it that long!
I didn't hear about this Mindfulnes meditation but sounds good, I'll try it for sure, thanks for that Dalex! I've been in therapy cause I needed the papers to change my name when I lost her but I don't think I got useful advice, just the stay busy thing what you already said. I don't say it's not useful just I dont know. I think I expected more.
Again, thank you everyone. Even replying helped me to stay focused on the solution instead of thinking about all the bad things.

[Dalex]

I know self harming won't get me anywhere and I haven't done it for years I think. Sometimes I think about it cause I know what to do with that pain while I don't really know what to do with inner pain. Congrats to you Mr Hockey for not doing it that long!
I didn't hear about this Mindfulnes meditation but sounds good, I'll try it for sure, thanks for that Dalex! I've been in therapy cause I needed the papers to change my name when I lost her but I don't think I got useful advice, just the stay busy thing what you already said. I don't say it's not useful just I dont know. I think I expected more.
Again, thank you everyone. Even replying helped me to stay focused on the solution instead of thinking about all the bad things.

Well, recent studies show the reason why some had taken up on self harming is due to the fact once you cut, for a short moment your anxiety levels drop. So in a sense, what you could also need is a stress relief. When you are already stressed out to the max, old things can sometimes resurface, weather you want it or not.
But, I have to say, the advice your previous therapist did not really seem like a good one. Sure, keeping yourself active is good, but once it has turned into an escape route to keep yourself so busy you don't think, then on the long run it can turn into a problem. Though, I'm not a professional so what I say might not all be thundered percent correct but the last bit here is advice due to personal experience.
I hope once again I have made any sense at all, curse this language barrier.

[Mal]

As somebody who has struggled with self harm, I'd suggest you try to find a different therapist. I've had some truly awful ones, but I've also had some that have really helped me work through things. You do have to put some work into it, but if you find the right therapist for you, it can really help.

I've used a combination of listening to music, working on hobbies, and doing volunteer work to help when things seem to really be getting me down.

[Jared]

Dalex, everything made sense, I didn't know cutting works like this. I looked into the Mindfullnes meditation you suggested but all I found is therapists teaching the method for good money  Once I learned Autogenic training which sounds similar. Maybe it's time to use it again.
This therapist who I talked about wasn't bad at all, she was nice and tried to really help and maybe she could to some level. I consider to find someone else, I think the hardest part of it is to admit to myself I need one.

[Dalex]

Here is one video I found. Jon Kabat Zinn created one type of Mindfullness meditation if I remember correctly.  That is one of his Mindfullness guides I hope that helps

[Jared]

Thank you dude, I appreciate this a lot. This guy has a really calming voice