Disclaimer: This really isn't a whiny or drama post more than a "I don't understand what's going on", "can you relate", and "how to move forward" sort of post. I'm just confused and wondering if others have gone through something similar in their transition. Maybe it's a right of passage or something. I'm trying to learn and adjust to my new circumstances and need the wisdom of those that have been there and done that. Thanks.
I don't know what's been going on lately, but it seems that everyone I talk to or ask is telling me I pass as female. I used to just write these things off as "oh, they are being nice" or "oh, they are giving me hope", but it's been happening way to frequently for me to consider that's always the case. Not just with the people on here, but friends, acquaintances and even some of my family - the same ones that would tell me often that I could never pass no matter what I do- are telling me that I look female already or that I can and will pass. Some are even telling me that I'm pretty which I find really hard to accept. And even more bizarre is that I haven't been told by anyone within the last month that I don't or can't pass. Not even one person. This is all very confusing to me because I'm still seeing a boy when I look into the mirror, for the most part. I stare at all my flaws that are so obvious to me and they out me in a second. How are others not seeing what's painfully obvious to me? While I admit that I'm much different looking and that I'm fem, I can't see a girl at all or even most times staring back at me. Sure, when I put on makeup, I feel that I pass alright. Yet, when I look at my bare face, I still see "him" and I don't want that. It's causing a whole lot of distress for me because I'm wondering if "he'll" ever be gone. What if I always see a boy in my face? How can I handle that? Will I always have gender dysphoria? While I understand there may be an adjustment period, I really hope that I CAN adjust.
Even more odd is the fact that I am still living as an andro boy and it seems to be going okay. Yes, I confuse people often and there are those who seem to know what's going, but most people are really nice regardless of my appearance and "gay" (sorry best word I could think of for how I may be percieved) mannerisms. Because there is nothing overtly hostile going on, I would imagine that I'm playing a convincing male to mostly everyone, right? That's what I had hoped, but now that everyone has been telling me that I pass as female, I'm afraid that everyone knows already that I'm trans. My sister was honest and told me that there is no way people wouldn't know about my transition because I look like a girl. So maybe more people have wised up to it than I realize. Perhaps I'm the only one that refuses to face the reality that I've changed in my appearance? Maybe everyone does know? I'm not going to lie, it's a bit of a frightening thought. Yeah, I've come out to enough people, but to do it to the entire world is a bit harder. Yet, if I continue going out in boymode and is that what I am doing? If I am being seen as female while out as a boy, doesn't it make sense to stop pretending to be a boy. But at the same time, I don't feel ready to go full time because I'm not there appearance wise and still can't pass to myself. You know what I mean? Anyone face these conflicting feelings at a similar stage to what I'm going through? Like not knowing when' the right time to take the next step?
That's not to say any of these feelings are odd because I'm sure these are actually common concerns and a phase many have gone through; however, it is starting to get distressing to me and I really don't want to see "him" anymore. I want to be able to see a girl in my facce at all times. The goal was to achieve male fail and secure the ability to pass. It seems I've succeeded (at least to some degree, lol) in the eyes of others but not myself. Now I'm left with wondering how to reach that point so that I can see it and give myself the confidence that I need to finally "complete? my transition. I suspect some will say you need to just go full time and it will come in time, but I feel this is bit of a catch 22. If I can't see my physical appearance as a passable female prior to full time, how am I to have the confidence to initiate it? Granted, I have some time before full time is possible, simply because some real financial restraints holding me back (though my pending position will be re-appealed for approval at the end of March and I've been applying to new positions and got a call today about some temp work with my old job), so I still have a breathing period to find that inner stregth in advance while I sort out my financial problems. Though, I really don't know how much longer I can hide or delay this. In any case, I'd like to find a way to overcome these feelings, so that I can feel more comfortable to step forward. Does anyone have any suggestions? Any tips? Any advice? And does this story ring true for other women here that can share their experience with overcoming it? I guess I'd be happy if anyone can relate with my feelings and tell me how they handled this awkward part of their transition.
By the way, just so everyone knows, I'm going to stop being a total chicken. I'm working up my courage to stop being so afraid of everything and finally feel able to start being me soon enough. And I've been doing some shopping and getting more clothes so I can feel more comfortable about going out as me on a part time basis. I'm learning more about what works on me and what doesn't. Plus, I've decided to make some outings as the real me very soon. I just still don't feel totally confident about going full time yet and will likely wait till June, but this is progress for a person like me. Yes, I'm a fraidy cat and am taking my time, but I've made soo much progress and am just a few months short of living the rest of my life as the real me at 25 years of age. Exciting, but very scary; although it's increasingly becoming more exciting as I progress and up my confidence levels.
And while some have already given their honest opinions, I'd really like others that haven't already shared with me to give me their honest opinion of whether I can pass at this stage of where I am (here are some photo
https://www.flickr.com/photos/118627967@N03/) I'm still a big work in progress and these photos of me are without makeup, in boys clothes and looking like a mess, but hell I really want to know what my true passing potential is without making myself dolled up? That's important to me because I need to know if anyone else also sees the beastly man that I see. What do you seriously think? I don't feel I have any ability to pass and feel like it would be a mistake to go out prematurely which is why I strive to perfect myself and wait for the "right moment". Am I really over thinking this and letting fear get to me? Do you really think I'm ready appearance wise? Is this all really just in my head?
Sorry, I'm all over the place, but I'm very scared and feeling so many things all at once. I just don't know how to process or handle it all. It's like I don't know where I am or where I should be at this point. A little lost and afraid about doing things the wrong way to be honest. I just don't want to screw this up. My transition is important to me, but I'm afraid of making a critical mistake while also feeling really sad that I keep delaying the start of the life that I desperately want.
