(
deep breath here..)
alright.. an update what's going on..
"
when we last saw our heroine.." I had just returned from my first therapy session, which went very well, for my first one.. The therapist was going to write my letter right then and there (yes, she did, as I was already doing very well @ 5mos self medicating), but I offered, (in hind sight now) to let it wait for my next session. I returned home, and posed a question to my mom (via text, she lives across the country), knowing she had several miscarriages before me), what would have been my name had I been born a girl. Paula Christine, she replied, however ,y Dad had vetoed that because Christine Jorgensen was the TG woman in the news then and he didnt want a daughter named the same.. I said.. "well, that's fitting.. a transgender, named Christine.. Actually I would have loved the name Paula Christine... " and that's when it all came crashing down. The flood gates opened and .. I told her. I apologized for being a disappointment, and upsetting her, but I can not help this any more than (and I used a family moment).
That was in the afternoon. Wife and daughter arrived home, we started then ate dinner.. I decided to go to church for that evening with the wife. At dinner, I was more quiet then normal, a lot rolling thru my mind. Wife asked was anything wrong, I replied I would tell her later on way to church.
On the drive to church, it all came out. we arrived, sat down, but was there for maybe 5 mins when we decided to leave to go talk it out. Left, went to someplace to get some coffee.. i began telling her that this has been a battle within me for year and years, since early childhood. She was quiet at first, then she began to say that she suspected for a while now due to my changes, (hair, nails, etc) but kept asking how far I was going to take this. I honestly didn't know and said so. She said any feminizing was a deal breaker. She married a man, not a woman, could not ever go thru the rest of our lives in girlfriend or roommate mode.
Then more talking by us both, she began to get more angry (and I did not blame her) and sullen. Went home, she got out of the car, and walked around the blocks for a while.
I was just.. broken, inside. She was still angry, hurt, betrayed, yet understanding, felt sorry for my battle inside. And she thought I could be a danger to myself. I reassured her I was not, to myself or to anyone else.
But she reiterated, it was not possible to be together if I continued on this path. I realized that. But I dont think it really triggered the realization that I would then be alone the rest of my life. Mom and my sister were texting me furiously in the middle of all this.
My wife crawled into bed with me and I just held her, we both cried. for a while. She got up and went downstairs. where she remained the rest of the night.
Neither of us slept.
Thursday. More texting and emails from mom and sister. Wife came talked to our old priest back home about this, and beliefs, upbringing, faith.. came upstairs, angry again. Talked some more, she insisted on many things. Meeting our counselor (from another family matter, a non-tg counselor). I agreed, talk to our priest she talked to (I did), we meet with my therapist (scheduled for tues). And we talk more. kept saying she would not stay if I kept going. We talked more about my low T and how that was making me feel, doing the T-gel two years ago to "get readjusted", going off it and throwing it away, finding my own "hormone solution", which this is. How being on this HRT has made me feel better than I had felt in decades (well, yeah!). I did not say I was taking (herbal) estrogen therapy too. Just the andro inhibitors. Maybe in that respect I should have. (ya think??).
Wife said, it all makes sense now as she felt me pull away all these years, thot that my changes now were from an affair. And now knowing this, kissing me repulses her. (ok I deserved that but it still hurts). I had been trying to get affectionate this past year again, lots of hugs, kissing, but she was standoffish. She asked if I was trying to convince myself, or force myself to try intimacy again. I replied I genuinely wanted to reconnect and get cuddly again. She was not convinced. She thinks it's a deep deep midlife crisis. Or a breakdown. Maybe it was/is, and transitioning is how I was dealing with/leaving it behind to start anew.
More talking, more betrayal, more accusations, more realizations about how long I've felt like this. How I've lied to her for 30years. How could she have been so stupid to not see any of this? "Was I blind?" "How could I not have seen this?" I said she was not blind, or stupid, I did not purposefully hide this, but that I spent the last 30yrs trying to fit what I looked like. She asked have I thought of leaving my family, friends, everything I know cast aside, no idea what work, friends will think, feel. can I put up with the ridicule. Between work, legally changing names, genders, psych evals (there isnt that anymore in my field). What would I do for family reunions, explaining it to my uncles, aunts, cousins. I was getting hurt and defensive at that point.
She hollered that she was so indignant that I would never know periods, pain, bloating, cramps, pregnancy, childbirth, swollen cracked nipples, breastfeeding, etc. I almost cried, "yes I will not know that, and that is what hurts, that I will -not- know it!
More crying. Tho at times, she behaved like before Wednesday, before I said anything, speaking nicely, yet looking distant. Thursday afternoon she got all of us together at home and said "Everyone's here, you're on!" I said "I can not do this yet. Just not yet."
Slept apart Thursday night. Friday, we ran out to do a few errands, cordial.. held hands. talked a bit more. still said she would not live with a woman. I said If it is a choice between hurting me or hurting her (me remaining as is, hurting/jumbled inside) or staying as I am and staying together, I would remain as is. I know you say that it would be too self destructive and that I would grow to resent her for locking me in again. Yes, that is a possibility, a very real one. But with a choice of being without my family now or being happy with myself, I would choice my family.
So why did i not think of that before I upset everyones world? I dont know, I cant answer that. Maybe my choice changed to being selfless and not selfish.
And please -please- do not take it that I am accusing anyone of choosing to leave it all behind is more selfish. That is my choice now.
Friday afternoon, leaving to go to work, she did kiss me, begrudgingly. And hugged, tho tightly. I kissed my daughter goodbye (she still does not know), then I went to work.
Some more texting and phone calls saturday.. She asked me why I hadnt called to say "happy anniversary?" ..(we were married on the 8th of our wedding month, her birthday is the 8th of her birth month. My birthday is the 25th of my birth month, we met on the 25th of our meeting month.. so 8th and 25th of -each- month are "anniversaries", and we say it each and every month.. corny, I know..
I said.. "oh.. right.. I didnt know if .. you.. wanted me.. to.." Some more talking, she said, she "can not go with anything, no transition, no dressing, nothing.. she married a man." I told her at least dressing (low key) helps add a layer of calm to this craziness. Some more talking.. She said she loves me but love has its limits. I said. Love does not have limits. She chuckled and said, "yeah' you're right." we said goodbye, hung up.
Saturday night, returning thru town on the way out again, she texted she wanted to be able to grown old and die with me, sitting beside me in church, on the couch, reaching out for me at night to know I'm there. To be there when she's ill. To talk about what our kids are going thru, or just be a sounding board.
But I ruined all that.
My oldest suspects, my youngest wonders, but likely will need therapy for this. My mom, 83, is hurt, scared. My sister, equally. My brothers will not speak to me, ever.
I replied, at this point, I dont need acceptance, just forgiveness. She said she does forgive, thats what a marriage is. I joked back, "you mean it isnt cooking and doing the dishes, or washing the clothes without shrinking anything? She said no thats just being married.
Where, or where am I going with all this? I have no friggin clue. But I might have started adjusting my thinking why and to what am I doing and for who(m). I am still (and probably will always be) two-spirited, trapped in the wrong body. Two genders, battling for all eternity. But for me to crush the futures of many many people, to be selfish and plod thru what I felt for 50+years. I spent more time in a dual role (married 30years) than I have singly, maybe I can find a way to do both, just keep one part of me, still there, yet not outwardly obvious. I really dont know.
But that is why I have several counselor and therapists available. Someone, somewhere is going to have an idea how to not lose myself, or my world. A compromise maybe. I have not passed no return. My breasts, will not go away, but thats ok, I rather like them.. My hips, would reshape, again, thighs too. my hair will begin to thin and fall out again. Hair on my arms and legs will regrow, darker I imagine. My mind.. my mind I may be able to very low dose to keep a bit of the calming that I so look to. As for the angst, anger, rage, fight or flight. I dont know.. I. just. dont. know.
Maybe I will resent her, and my family and my decision, and life, and maybe I will attempt this journey again.
"To Thine Own Self, Be True"
aye, truer words were ne'er spoken, bu' th' cost, wot o' th' cost, 'mate?========================================================================
To every single one of you that has been praying for me, kept me in your thoughts, I love you dearly, and it means the world to me know that you are trying to keep the pieces of my heart together, to keep them from flying apart, scattered to the corners of the earth. To those I have opened up to, genuine friends, sisters all, I can not thank you enough. Thank You. Again and again. To those that have gone thru this, you were right. I hope you have found Peace. to those that are about to, I pray for you. and to those that, I pray, will never have to, I envy you.
I will be back, not exactly sure when, or in what form, but I will be back.
