(very hard typing this thru the tears)

Well, I am live now.  I had my first therapy session today.  And was going to walk out after the hour with my first letter.  No kidding.  a very good first session, and the therapist, a lovely lady, saw what I was in the first 10 minutes (her words).  I asked her to keep it until next session, in two weeks.  She had not heard, or seen anyone on herbals before and was stunned at my growth with them.  She said, I must just be one of those lucky girls that grow quickly.  She said B's and I would likely be C's before I'm ready for them.  And I only cried twice.. ok, three times.. like I said five times, then twice more.  A lot came out, and still a lot I have kept hidden for a very long time.  And still a thing or two I can never say.   Tomorrow night is the months Support group meeting.  I will find a way to be there.

Once I was home, I went over some of the things I recalled from growing up.

Mom miscarried like.. 4 times before me.  She was given DES each time.  Today, I asked her.. "If I were born female, a girl, what would you have named me?  I am sorry if it upsets you, but I need to know."  She said "I would have named you Paula Christine, but Dad shot that down because when he returned to the US, from a country in Eastern Europe, Christine Jorgenson was having a press conference, and he didn't want any child named after a transgender woman."  I said.. "well, that's fitting.. a transgender, named Christine..  Actually I would have loved the name Paula Christine... "  and that's when it all came crashing down.  The flood gates opened and .. I told her. I apologized for being a disappointment, and upsetting her, but I can not help this any more than (and I used a family moment).

Then I talked to my sister and said  "go hug your mother because I just came out to her"  Well, she was in the church parking lot, so I said, "pray for me then.. pray really really hard for me."

I'm not sure what I have done, but the idea of being on HRT and the family finally noticing "the tree had grown" was not going to be the plan.    I still have my sisters support, I think.  And I told Mom I would call her tomorrow, if I can hold myself together.

I am crazy scared to let my wife and daughters know.  Scared like double engine failure on takeoff in a blinding snowstorm scared.  F5 tornado, runaway train plowing into the station, crazy scared. I guess I am giving up being unafraid, for Lent.

Congrats for being brave and coming out to your mom!  That's a major step and you should feel proud of yourself for having that strength.  I know things are really emotional for you right now and are difficult to process, but I just wanted to say hang in there.  These things have a way of improving even though they are hard in the moment.  Good luck with everything and I hope your family will come to accept/support it. 

Thank you LtL!  I was writing you last week, with encouragement, and now you're here for me Thank you, Sis.  This is going to be the  hardest thing I have ever done.

Quote from: AnneB on March 05, 2014, 06:55:10 PM
Thank you LtL!  I was writing you last week, with encouragement, and now you're here for me Thank you, Sis.  This is going to be the  hardest thing I have ever done.

I understand.  Coming out to my mother was like the implosion of my world.  I've always been very close to my mom, so it hit very very hard.  What I can say is that as difficut as it all was/is we are finding that time heals wounds and allows cooler heads to prevail (sometimes).  Hopefully, that will be the case in your family. 

I can't say I have knowledge on the coming out process for wife and kids, having never gone through it myself, but I would say that I know I'd accept my parent desire for happiness even if it was hard to accept.  I'm hoping you have that sort of result and everything works out well for you.

It's never easy and there may be times where you regret it, but at the end of the day it is liberating and freeing to no longer hide such a huge secret. 

Getting that off your (growing) chest must have been one of the toughest things you've ever had to do, and I hope you feel much better for having taken that leap of courage.

I hope your mother is able to wrap her head around this quickly and ends up squarely in your corner.   My mom took about 6-7 months before she "got it", so please prepare to cut yours a bit of slack at first.  My mother's initial response was, "Well, your father and I discussed it, and we decided not to disown you.  I don't think we can ever get ourselves to call you Jill though." That was really a painful moment, and I thought at first that I'd maybe not have a further relationship with them.  My parents came around eventually because they were able to separate myth from science once forced to do so.  My mother was most likely given DES as well, and my brother and I were both born with testicular abnormalities. 

Best of luck with your wife and kids.   Explaining that you have an intersex condition might help.

Hugs, Jill

Anna, I know coming out is difficult, hugs.

Remember to breath and remain calm. Sometimes the shock takes a while, be patient.

(deep breath here..)

alright.. an update what's going on..

"when we last saw our heroine.."   I had just returned from my first therapy session, which went very well, for my first one..  The therapist was going to write my letter right then and there (yes, she did, as I was already doing very well @ 5mos self medicating), but I offered, (in hind sight now) to let it wait for my next session.  I returned home, and posed a question to my mom (via text, she lives across the country), knowing she had several miscarriages before me), what would have been my name had I been born a girl.  Paula Christine, she replied, however ,y Dad had vetoed that because Christine Jorgensen was the TG woman in the news then and he didnt want a daughter named the same.. I said.. "well, that's fitting.. a transgender, named Christine..  Actually I would have loved the name Paula Christine... "  and that's when it all came crashing down.  The flood gates opened and .. I told her. I apologized for being a disappointment, and upsetting her, but I can not help this any more than (and I used a family moment).

That was in the afternoon.  Wife and daughter arrived home, we started then ate dinner.. I decided to go to church for that evening with the wife.  At dinner, I was more quiet then normal, a lot rolling thru my mind.  Wife asked was anything wrong, I replied I would tell her later on way to church.

On the drive to church, it all came out.  we arrived, sat down, but was there for maybe 5 mins when we decided to leave to go talk it out.  Left, went to someplace to get some coffee.. i began telling her that this has been a battle within me for year and years, since early childhood.  She was quiet at first, then she began to say that she suspected for a while now due to my changes, (hair, nails, etc) but kept asking how far I was going to take this.  I honestly didn't know and said so.  She said any feminizing was a deal breaker.  She married a man, not a woman, could not ever go thru the rest of our lives in girlfriend or roommate mode.
Then more talking by us both, she began to get more angry (and I did not blame her) and sullen.  Went home, she got out of the car, and walked around the blocks for a while. 

I was just.. broken, inside.  She was still angry, hurt, betrayed, yet understanding, felt sorry for my battle inside.  And she thought I could be a danger to myself.  I reassured her I was not, to myself or to anyone else.

But she reiterated, it was not possible to be together if I continued on this path.  I realized that.  But I dont think it really triggered the realization that I would then be alone the rest of my life.  Mom and my sister were texting me furiously in the middle of all this.

My wife crawled into bed with me and I just held her, we both cried.  for a while.  She got up and went downstairs. where she remained the rest of the night.

Neither of us slept.

Thursday.  More texting and emails from mom and sister.  Wife came talked to our old priest back home about this, and beliefs, upbringing, faith..  came upstairs, angry again.  Talked some more, she insisted on many things.  Meeting our counselor (from another family matter, a non-tg counselor).  I agreed, talk to our  priest she talked to (I did), we meet with my therapist (scheduled for tues).  And we talk more.  kept saying she would not stay if I kept going.  We talked more about my low T and how that was making me feel, doing the  T-gel two years ago to "get readjusted", going off it and throwing it away, finding my own "hormone solution", which this is.  How being on this HRT has made me feel better than I had felt in decades (well, yeah!).  I did not say I was taking (herbal) estrogen therapy too.  Just the andro inhibitors.  Maybe in that respect I should have. (ya think??).

Wife said, it all makes sense now as she felt me pull away all these years, thot that my changes now were from an affair.  And now knowing this, kissing me repulses her.  (ok I deserved that but it still hurts). I had been trying to get affectionate this past year again, lots of hugs, kissing, but she was standoffish.  She asked if I was trying to convince myself, or force myself to try intimacy again.  I replied I genuinely wanted to reconnect and get cuddly again. She was not convinced.  She thinks it's a deep deep midlife crisis.  Or a breakdown.  Maybe it was/is, and transitioning is how I was dealing with/leaving it behind to start anew.

More talking, more betrayal, more accusations, more realizations about how long I've felt like this.  How I've lied to her for 30years.  How could she have been so stupid to not see any of this?  "Was I blind?" "How could I not have seen this?"  I said she was not blind, or stupid, I did not purposefully hide this, but that I spent the last 30yrs trying to fit what I looked like.  She asked have I thought of leaving my family, friends, everything I know cast aside, no idea what work, friends will think, feel. can I put up with the ridicule.  Between work, legally changing names, genders, psych evals (there isnt that anymore in my field).  What would I do for family reunions, explaining it to my uncles, aunts, cousins.  I was getting hurt and defensive at that point. 

She hollered that she was so indignant that I would never know periods, pain, bloating, cramps, pregnancy, childbirth, swollen cracked nipples, breastfeeding, etc.  I almost cried, "yes I will not know that, and that is what hurts, that I will -not- know it!

More crying.  Tho at times, she behaved like before Wednesday, before I said anything, speaking nicely, yet looking distant.  Thursday afternoon she got all of us together at home and said "Everyone's here, you're on!"  I said "I can not do this yet.  Just not yet."

Slept apart Thursday night.  Friday, we ran out to do a few errands, cordial.. held hands.  talked a bit more. still said she would not live with a woman.  I said If it is a choice between hurting me or hurting her (me remaining as is, hurting/jumbled inside) or staying as I am and staying together, I would remain as is.   I know you say that it would be too self destructive and that I would grow to resent her for locking me in again.  Yes, that is a possibility, a very real one.  But with a choice of being without my family now or being happy with myself, I would choice my family. 

So why did i not think of that before I upset everyones world?  I dont know, I cant answer that.  Maybe my choice changed to being selfless and not selfish. 

And please -please- do not take it that I am accusing anyone of choosing to leave it all behind is more selfish.  That is my choice now.

Friday afternoon, leaving to go to work, she did kiss me, begrudgingly.  And hugged, tho tightly.  I kissed my daughter goodbye (she still does not know), then I went to work.

Some more texting and phone calls saturday.. She asked me why I hadnt called to say "happy anniversary?" ..(we were married on the 8th of our wedding month, her birthday is the 8th of her birth month.  My birthday is the 25th of my birth month, we met on the 25th of our meeting month.. so 8th and 25th of -each- month are "anniversaries", and we say it each and every month.. corny, I know..

I said.. "oh.. right.. I didnt know if .. you.. wanted me.. to.."  Some more talking, she said, she "can not go with anything, no transition, no dressing, nothing..  she married a man."  I told her at least dressing (low key) helps add a layer of calm to this craziness.  Some more talking.. She said she loves me but love has its limits.  I said.  Love does not have limits.  She chuckled and said, "yeah' you're right."  we said goodbye, hung up.

Saturday night, returning thru town on the way out again, she texted she wanted to be able to grown old and die with me, sitting beside me in church, on the couch, reaching out for me at night to know I'm there. To be there when she's ill. To talk about what our kids are going thru, or just be a sounding board.
But I ruined all that.

My oldest suspects, my youngest wonders, but likely will need therapy for this.  My mom, 83, is hurt, scared.  My sister, equally.  My brothers will not speak to me, ever.

I replied, at this point, I dont need acceptance, just forgiveness.  She said she does forgive, thats what a marriage is.  I joked back, "you mean it isnt cooking and doing the dishes, or washing the clothes without shrinking anything?  She said no thats just being married.

Where, or where am I going with all this?  I have no friggin clue.  But I might have started adjusting my thinking why and to what am I doing and for who(m).  I am still (and probably will always be) two-spirited, trapped in the wrong body.  Two genders, battling for all eternity.  But for me to crush the futures of many many people, to be selfish and plod thru what I felt for 50+years.  I spent more time in a dual role (married 30years) than I have singly, maybe I can find a way to do both, just keep one part of me, still there, yet not outwardly obvious.  I really dont know.

But that is why I have several counselor and therapists available.  Someone, somewhere is going to have an idea how to  not lose myself, or my world.  A compromise maybe.  I have not passed no return.  My breasts, will not go away, but thats ok, I rather like them..  My hips, would reshape, again, thighs too.  my hair will begin to thin and fall out again.  Hair on my arms and legs will regrow, darker I imagine.  My mind.. my mind I may be able to very low dose to keep a bit of the calming that I so look to.  As for the angst, anger, rage, fight or flight.  I dont know..  I. just. dont. know.

Maybe I will resent her, and my family and my decision, and life, and maybe I will attempt this journey again. 


aye, truer words were ne'er spoken, bu' th' cost, wot o' th' cost, 'mate?

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To every single one of you that has been praying for me, kept me in your thoughts, I love you dearly, and it means the world to me know that you are trying to keep the pieces of my heart together, to keep them from flying apart, scattered to the corners of the earth.  To those I have opened up to, genuine friends, sisters all, I can not thank you enough.  Thank You.  Again and again.  To those that have gone thru this, you were right.  I hope you have found Peace.  to those that are about to, I pray for you.  and to those that, I pray, will never have to, I envy you.

I will be back, not exactly sure when, or in what form, but I will be back.

I am sorry that your family reaction was not exactly good... I really hope that you can sort things out with your dear ones. I am not married, so I don't really know exactly how things with your wife might go, but I have experienced it too when I came out to my family and I still find myself thinking if this was the right choice.

Coming out can be extremely hard. My mother didn't accept very well...there are times she says she understands me and she is all friendly...but there are times when she just says she won't be able to accept me as her daughter and that she will go away forever when I start dressing as a woman.

My grandparents still can't believe I am doing this. They tried to discourage me on every way they could...I had to make them believe that I am not seriously considering nothing now and I am trying to carry on my transition in secret from them...

But I think a lot about being selfish...a lot...I have this feeling that I am destroying my family. My grandfather, with his 80 years old, shouldn't see this...he had me as his idol, his only grandson and the hopes for the future of our name. My mother, who suffers from severe depression, seems to be getting worse because of me....I never wanted to be the cause of suffering to my beloved ones...but am I being selfish?

I don't think so. Really.

You are not being selfish either. You are being truthful to yourself, to who you are. This should be your priority: yourself. It is not selfishness to be who you are.

I, for the first time in my life, could stop lying to myself. I could stop faking being who I wasn't. I wasn't happy...my life was miserable. I couldn't live that way anymore...

I was too afraid of my family, and that was the reason that made me start HRT  only now with 26 years old. I was afraid of losing them. But I spent my entire life lying to myself and what I got? A lonely life with nothing besides my family.

But then I realized that I didn't have to lose them. Telling them would be hard and they wouldn't accept me at first... but time can change that. Time makes us accept new things, even the worst things.

Things are still hard here with my family, but they are improving a bit every day and I hope that I can be accepted by my mother and by my grandparents. I am sure that your family can accept you with time too. You don't need to stop your transition, or to lose who you are. They need to know the real you. You need to be the real you. You won't like to regret it later in life. This is my opinion...

It will be hard for them, but it will be the truth. Not all truths are good, but they are truths nonetheless and they need to emerge. If your family really loves you as I know they do, they will hopefully adapt and learn to accept you.

Dear precious sister, I thank you for your encouragement.  Your words are the truth, I know that.  I hope in my heart I am not just scared of being alone after this. Yes there is a -very- real chance of being abandoned, and also a chance of being accepted.  Crazy scared for both.  My wife, was, and is, my life.  I knew I would marry her before we even met.  I truly did.  I would be more afraid of going thru life without her, than going thru life without becoming who I feel inside.

My boss (who I told Friday) could not be ore supportive.  He is actually a dear friend and, funny enough, I trained him to fly his current airplane, so we have a great connection.  He told me in no uncertain terms, if I get any grief from anyone in the company to let him know and they will get it taken care of.  Oh if only he could help at home.

I truly hope, and pray that I may be able to keep the two sides of me separate, yet together, and keep the spirit of both, alive for myself, and my family.

'else I become an ol' bitter man, angry at myself, and the world.

Natalia, 'love you girl, I mean that, I thank you for your kindness and guidance.  <3

Hi Anne,

    Like you, my mom took DES and it was immediately apparent to both her and the doctor who delivered me that something was wrong. They thought I was intersexed, but I wasn't. I can't begin to imagine the pain you're in having a family. I lost my wife a 36 years ago at 23 because I was transgendered. I got another live in girlfriend pregnant twice and she had them aborted both times because "you'll be living as a woman before the baby's five years old," and repeated it with the second one too. In retrospect I would have, because I couldn't take the responsibility of having a family, I was just too unhappy. Have you told them about your mother's use of DES, and the tremendous effects it had on our bodies, but especially our brains? In 2005 doctors thought I had a brain tumor and gave me a  brain MRI, and when the results came back, the doctor asked me, "Did you know you have a female brain?" (as if I'd know that! I didn't have a tumor) I laughed sarcastically and said, "Yeah, sure I do" or something like that. He said, "No, really. Your brain is the size and shape exactly, as a woman's, meaning it's smaller and symmetrical, meaning both hemispheres are the same." I was stunned, but it was one more large piece in a puzzle I always knew the image. It was me, a woman. Maybe the herbals are working so well because your body has always had too much estrogen and too little testosterone, like me. I was very late in puberty, I have no Adam's apple, no male facial traits, whatsoever, and both sexes used to tell me all the way into my early forties I was too pretty to be male. Maybe some of those apply to you too, I don't know. I also had virtually no facial hair other than a mustache and couldn't even grow sideburns or a goatee (not that I ever would have, even if I was as hairy as Frank Zappa, lol!), but if you at least tell your wife and have her read some medical literature on DES effects, because they're devastating to some people and there are untold thousands of women like us. I wish I had some magic or comforting words for you and your family. All I can do beyond my probably lame idea is to pray for you and your family. God bless you all, sweetie. Mira