Good golly Molly, I thought I had already started a thread under coming out as it is so important and issue I knew I would have questions and then maybe experiences to share that would be helpful to get out. Something major happened last night that I wanted to add, so I guess I better create a start to this so I can add to it.
Also, please keep in mind, I came out to me as female, to the rest it was that I thought I was female but am seeking professional help and just wanted them to be aware I am struggling with my identity. So I never said to any of them flat out I am a female, but was clear I thought I was but only with professional help will I know for sure.
First I came out to myself, really slowly, the better part of 45 years this January. I considered talking to my ex-wife first as I thought she would recognize clues that would help me come to terms and verify it or feel I was just having a crisis. That did not pan out, but I did apologize to her for blaming her for all these years for our marital issues. We are friends so she thanked me, seemed a little surprised as she blamed mostly herself for it's demise too. I told her in time I would share more, and she commented "Oh so you have had an epiphany, that is good it can be liberating."
I was cracking up inside, needing to talk to someone and was on a waiting list for therapy but was not going to last that long. So I came out to my cousin who is a minister, looking to have someone say I was wrong. That did not happen. She was understanding, though counselled me to make sure to seek a therapist to help me keep from transitioning. Because it is ok to feel this way, but not to act on it. All in all it went way better than expected.
I then told my mom, and initially she was shocked but then seemed somewhat supportive, just making sure I was going to get therapy. Dad was next, though I really was going to skip him as he has an awful temper and I feared a violent outburst. However, I also predicted if everything went perfect he would tell me I am not as I played football. Well, everything went perfect so I left his house knowing I was a guy because I played football. I was going nuts like my mom and that he had already told my brother I had been slowly going nuts for a while now. And finally I just needed to stop thinking that I was a girl cause someone putted some ->-bleeped-<-ed up thinking in my head. HONESTLY, this was AS GOOD as that was ever going to go. So I went home stopped thinking about it and destroyed, DESTROYED! Did I mention I then destroyed my first journal? DAMN! I started thinking about it again in bed, and after a sleepless night tried to recover my journal (no luck
) but could not so I started a new one. I stopped not thinking about it as I was tired of asking to just die, and of being frustrated with my self being afraid all these years. I did not want to stay those things.
My daughter made a surprise visit to all of us up here, and I struggled with telling her yet as I wanted to see a therapist first and still had not. But I took the plunge and she admitted she was surprised but not shocked. I was not sure what that meant exactly but she said that I was always different than other dads in a special way that everyone of her friends seemed to think she had the coolest dad. (I guess a dad-mom is pretty cool, lol!) She also felt I best talk to her mom as I initially wanted to and she greased the chains to that and I soon had her, my ex-wife, and son all supportive and informed. None surprised at all, which was great yet in a way troubling as well to me) and my ex-wife absolutely convinced as it made a lot of crap make sense to her now that had bothered her all this time. She even said she could not figure it out when sharing it with her therapist as she always felt I was the person she always felt most secure sharing her secrets with, and then some boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife stuff that just did not mesh with her experiences with other men.
Not too long after I came out to my brother, who was shocked but we had a long conversation about it and others we know who have had similar epiphanies but with homosexuality not ->-bleeped-<-. In the end he said there was obviously something real to this and that it was evident I have put a lot of thought and study into this matter. He is very supportive.
Next I met with a therapist for the very first time, and just telling a stranger was very cathartic and our session went a session and a half. Luckily I was his last patient of the day, as I let it fly and flow. He was confident I was not crazy, which hearing from someone who looks for crazy as his job was relieving to hear even though I really felt I wasn't. He seemed too comfortable in a way though, with me being right. I see that now as flawed thinking and part of my denial of the bargaining stage as he explained it.
My mom them flip flopped on me, got pissed I told my kids and exclaimed "I did not really believe you, and thought maybe it was just a phase." I thought this relationship might be toast along with dad. The for a couple weeks I heard nothing from her, and dad never has come by though at least he called a couple times. I kept reading and researching, old memories of stuff have been popping back up as I recall things I had not thought about in years. Not that I was suppressing (I don't think, maybe I was) them, I simply just think that I was not looking for them before. Some were brought up by my ex-wife, but many were from before I met her and even before my parents divorced, so quite some time ago.
So for a while I was sold that my parents were toast, and I read that a lot here and else where that they take it the hardest and even never talk to their children ever again in really bad cases. I also read that we as trans children need to step back and look at things from their perspective and with their generational programming that they too have over riding their ability to be open to this possibility. I mean some of us are able to shut this revelation down repeatedly to ourselves over decades. Why would we think that they who have not thought about it so thoroughly as we have, off and on throughout our lives (typically extremely so the last few months before we come out to ourselves) even consider they would believe it? OF COURSE THEY ARE GOING TO DENY IT! They saw us as their boys, raised us to be boys, even for those who showed lots of outward signs the typical expectation would be that we may be homosexual (and not that they would take it well either, again due to stigma built into them from their generational programming) at worst. NOT stuck in the wrong body, and for anyone not transsexual this I believe must be close to impossible to fathom. So I stopped having expectations for my parents to ever be accepting, but no longer in this negative "I can't believe they can't trust me with what I am telling them and just accept it."
You can be surprised when you least expect it, and I think some of that comes from within us. As once I came to the acceptance that there was nothing wrong with my parents not accepting my revelation. Even accepting my dad thinking I am going crazy, and my mom insisting this is a stupid phase I am just going through. When I could act outraged that they didn't trust me enough to just take what I had to say at face value, which I did do initially it was actually insensitive of me! I invested a great deal of time struggling with this, and now I wasn't willing to give them at least the same four and a half decades it took me and I am the one with this and thus the best perspective to analysis it? I was being a hypocritical boob. Now, extrapolate the time they may need to wrap their minds around this, and how old they are and it is VERY possible they may be dead before every coming to terms with it. A shame? Absolutely, but when we think about it honestly and compassionately and we of all human being should be capable of this barring other psychological issues whe may understandable have so don't automatically hold yourself to this standard as I was lucky (but many others are too, not having any comorbidity or troubled past) and thus could eventually reach this point of acceptance as sad as it may be. However, I think getting to this point (and sooner really rather than later, again I was lucky and pounded the books and websites including our cherished one here, so it came pretty quick to me a mere couple of weeks) allowed me to have happen to me what happened yesterday.
For one I was having possibly the MOST amazing day of my life. I went and bought female clothing for the first time EVER, by myself even (my confident who was going to assist me had to cancel due to a business crisis) which I never thought I was going to be able to start solo (had aspirations of eventually being able to do this solo when I no longer looked like a lumberjack trucker.) I then went and got a make over, sitting at the front of an ULTA store for everyone to see, and this experience was even more amazing as this gal who was assisting me was honestly a special angel sent from God. I was walking on cloud nine, feeling confident (though I did not put on the clothes and did have her remove the makeup when we were done after our two and a half hours of fun) and eventually said "Time to deliver more mail!" I was going to risk ending such a
super fun day with a
super what were you thinking night!
So I piled up my dad's mail that accumulated since I last delivered it to him that night I more than less came out to him, and THEN I thought I have a few things to drop off with mom too. So I packed that stuff as well and drove into the city ready to face my critics. I wasn't going to be defiant though, and I was bound and determined to accept their opinions, to show compassion and understanding for them. I know the second time I spoke to my mom and she turned on me, she was talking about her, her, her and how this affected and reflected on her, to which I forcefully finally interrupted her and told her this was not about her it was about me. I now had the insight to realize that this is about me from my perspective, but that it is ALSO about her from her perspective so I was going to make sure to let this conversation be about her. I started with her too.
I get to her house and put the stuff I was dropping off in her garage per her request, and she was very pleasant and friendly. I thought it may be forced, but hey is she every trying! We went in and rather than avoid the conversation and to make it about her right away she asked me how I was doing and also how things were going with my dillema. I went there thinking I was going to extend the olive branch and before I could whip it out of my pocket she was handing me a bushel of them! Now I am not going to color the conversation we had as open arms acceptance, because it was not. However, it was very understanding and two ways at that, me for her and her for me and we both made that clear to each other. She was showing that she was looking back with a more careful eye but still felt pained she saw nothing but then was understanding when I explained I was foolish to have thought we was going to notice my "quirks" as I was a master illusionist at a very young age. I admitted I now had a better understanding on how and why this was hard for her and day just from a witness perspective let alone how people we programmed in that generation in regards to so many issues such as race, sexuality, let alone someone being transgendered and maybe both of the other two as well. By the time I left I was happy, not accepted as a girl by any means, but I truly saw an effort that I no longer expected and I think that no longer having that expectation is what lead to it. Not so much in a a haughty "->-bleeped-<- them if they don't get it, they are the ones who made me deny this all those years! Though they were not the ones, they were just doing what they were expected to do as mom and dad exactly as I had just been doing what I was expected to do as son and male. I guess what I am getting at here if it is not already clear, it that I think we rightfully want understanding, but really need to be as much if not more so of them. I got really lucky with mom, and my entire coming out process is probably in the top 1 % as far as ease goes. However, I do think it is something I can take part of the credit for, and you can too when we are honest and approach the whole process with each individual with an open mind for them too. We may have to walk away for a while thinking we are screwed, we just lost a person as if they died or we did! However, doing so does not need to be as abrupt as it initially seems.
OK, MOM was ONLY half of this game plan. It was getting late and I still needed to deal with the beast known as dad! On the way there I reminded myself of something interested my ex-wife had reminded me of a couple of days ago. My dad operates through uncomfortable situations awkwardly, but always in every situation does extremely well with sarcasm and smartass lines. I was going to incorporate that with my new found willingness to accept my dad's processing of my revelation. So when I got there, and he opened the door saying "what the hell are you doing here?" I responded with "Hey you chicken->-bleeped-<-, you have mail piling up and it was getting dangerous."
"Chicken->-bleeped-<-? I ain't chicken I was going to come over tomorrow, and why what would I need to be afraid of?"
"You know that I make you uncomfortable now and that you might see something that will freak you out." I stated.
"Like what? You got some boyfriend there living with you now? You ->-bleeped-<-ing him in the ass?" I honestly laughed and he was doing this with a little bit of tongue and cheek. Yet, it was working already I could just tell.
I said "Well, I can tell you still just don't get it, but I don't expect you too. I don't want to ->-bleeped-<- guys in the ass, but hey if that worries you then not coming around is probably a good thing. You may want to have your mail sent to your grandson's house now." I was being honest but kept the tone neutral intimating that it was merely a suggestion and not a demand.
"No no, I will come by to get it. The weather has just been bad." It had been for about weeks before these last few days.
I asked him what he was up to, he has just got up and asked if I was hungry and since I had a yogurt at breakfast, and a cold chicken breast for lunch I actually was. So I said "Get dressed, we're going to grab something to eat." He agreed and this in and of itself was huge, and I think the sarcasm my ex suggested was the key. I did take a few minutes to explain that I was sorry I had been mad at him and he did not even know it. I told him I was being unfair and that him and mom did everything right and what you were supposed to do when raising a boy. They had no idea what was going on as I kept it to myself. I admitted to him that I have been afraid of him my whole life, still do, but that is ok. He said he still thought I was having a mental issue and that something ->-bleeped-<-ed up got in my head and I was brutally honest and admitted I understood him thinking that way now as I thought those same things for years now. So how could I expect him to see it any differently having zero perspective as a male as a man and then as one who is as man as it gets. I reminded him how of what he's done in his life to reiterate this, including the time he had an engine crush his finger and was refusing to go to a doctor until my friend forced him too and then called my brother and I asking if we could calm dad down lol.
So we hop in my car and I drive to one of our favorite places that make a great breakfast at all hours of the day. On the way there he has to tease me again and says he probably will react badly to me sticking my dick into a guy. Just him admitting that, even if it is a bad reaction he is admitting to was huge. It also made me laugh again and I felt I will try to explain and I told him how when I told my two longest and best friends asked kind of the same question he burst out "Wow you are telling the whole world!" To which I had to quickly side track and say no, I am done for now, the ones I feel need to know but can also keep their mouths shut are the only ones that know (you've seen my list in this novel.) I then returned to the dick in ass comment and did my best to explain "Dad, I do not want to stick my dick in anyones ass, I am not even supposed to have a dick! I would rather have them stick it to me in my vagina." I said it matter of factly, but with a laugh to disarm the bluntness just a little bit. I could tell his brain was doing a few mental gymnastics but could not pull any type of landing and he kind of tossed in the towel. At that point I think we were both comfortable with how uncomfortable he was, and I told him how I thought he may be more accepting of staying in touch even if he did not accept when I may go with this and that mom was a bigger worry until just an hour ago. I made it obvious I felt that they both were surprising me with how well they were dealing with it now that I backed off and looked at it from their view.
The rest of the night was actually very pleasant with him. So all in all the entire 24 hours was INCREDIBLE! My results with coming out to this point are borderline fairy tale and I fear it may needlessly make some upset that I have it so easy. Please don't be, as I think many of us can have these same results if we try to be equally as open and accepting of their feelings and emotions as we expect them to be of us.
YES, there are certainly far more of you than not though that may not have this option at all due to different circumstances. I also understand, there is a strong bit of potential for some of these supporters becoming detractors, and my parents over time slipping back into negative choices which still could ultimately lead to an ending of our relationships. However by taking this approach I can say I have done what I can do, and I can see in their rule set however limited it may be, they too are trying as hard as they can. It just may not ever get there to any type of acceptance. I do think if I take hormones and for sure get SRS that my dad won't be around, but I have hope we will maybe at least talk on the phone once in a while. It would be a shame if not. Mom is probably the same. But again for right now I have set us all up for at least trying. I have to be more understanding than them, for I had to learn a lot about understanding just to figure this all out for myself.
I thank you for your time and understanding. Do not take this as me gloating, it is the last thing I would do. Do not take this as this is something you all can do, because many of not most of you have life circumstances that are way different and way more difficult that me. However, I think there are enough of you out there, who have had similar experiences and also have surprising support from most, but your parents just don't get it and if they love us the most should they not get it sooner than others? You folks I think might find this story helpful. We can't expect parental acceptance (especially the older generations programmed against it) but we might see the effort from them, and honestly that is all we can ask for.
Good luck out there, and please wish me the same as I am publically still deep in the closet and have many trials and tribulations ahead so I can use the luck you wish upon me as well. So far folks must already be doing that for me, and of course God is helping too in my spiritual opinion, so thank you all of you and God. May we find peace even when not accepted, for in the end you just need to accept and love yourself.
