Give up?

[Hayley]

I don't normally rant or vent. But today has just been one of those days where I have been talking to my mom. She has really only known for a month about my transition which is now 7 months in today. I should start this by saying that I am happy with my transition so far, I am making progress but they guilt that my family seems to be throwing my way is already wearing on me. One month and I wondering if they deserve to be happy and keep their "son, brother, or nephew" I can lie and fake happiness again. I was pretty good at it for a few years so I can do it again I think. Not even sure what I am talking about and the formatting is awful but I guess it doesn't matter when ranting.

Basically my mother is still grieving the loss of her "son" so I know I shouldn't take everything she says so personally but I am. It hurts to hear that everytime she looks at me she sees her son dying. Or that she will always want her son. She keeps telling me that everyone is coming to her asking questions and no one comes to me because they don't want to hurt me but this isn't a new thing it's been that way forever. How am I supposed to react to that? I am to weak to deal with people? They thought I wasn't stable enough to take criticism. But as I got annoyed and upset I lashed out and said some kind of not nice things. Like "hopefully you can get over the loss of your son, I'll be around" and "if you all don't start using my name at some point I will stop coming to things" I've told them they have until I go full time to get used to the name and pronouns. I love my family and don't want to lose them, giving up might be the only way to keep them because if I keep going down my path then I will hold firm on my dates for things. Giving up now at 7 months can help them be happy and I can go back to being the one that no one talks about again. It will be easier for them to live life denying me if I can feign self denial for them and wear a fake smile. Gah just ranting I won't quit I love what I am doing I just am a bit torn between myself and family at the moment. Transition I know is right for me and these past 7 months have been the happiest times of my life despite all the blood test and now this. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you did. Sorry if I am coming off as whiny

[suzifrommd]

She keeps telling me that everyone is coming to her asking questions and no one comes to me because they don't want to hurt me but this isn't a new thing it's been that way forever. How am I supposed to react to that? I am to weak to deal with people?

I wouldn't take that personally. They're uncomfortable, that's why they're not going to you.

I've told them they have until I go full time to get used to the name and pronouns.

I support this 100%. Don't let anyone else's comfort dictate the pace of your life. They're big boys and girls. They'll deal.

Good luck, dear. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You can't control what anyone in your family does. I think you're doing the right thing by focusing on what YOU need to do.

[Jamie D]

Hayley - the way I see it is your family never had a "son, brother, or nephew."  They were mistaken.  You are you and need to be you.

You are an adult.  You have made an adult decision about your life.  They need to respect that.  I think you were right to lay down the law about honoring your name and identity.

I hope they come around.

[Ms Grace]

I understand, I torpedoed my first attempt at transition due to family matters, then spent the next twenty years feeling miserable. You aren't doing this for them, you are doing it for you. Your happiness is what counts here. You aren't hurting them, their attitude to what you are going through is what is hurting them.

When I saw Lt Col Cate McGregor speak about her experience of transition she said that she perceived transition as an inherently "selfish" thing, but that it wasn't a bad thing to be selfish, that it was the only way she could see to crash through the barriers and excuses against transition other people were throwing up around her. I wish I'd had that attitude the first time around, and still need it now.

You aren't your mother's "son" you are her child. Parents invest a lot of their energy into gendering their children at the expense of seeing them as a person. She isn't losing her child.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

I went through the exact same thing when I transitioned. All it takes is time for them to get over it. If you end up in a situation where some of them won't accept you, then just cut them out of your life. Is it a tad harsh?

Yeah.

But you need to do what is right for you.

Most of the people in my family have adjusted and are accepting of me. I have a couple of family members that are a tad dim, so they don't really get it and they probably never will.

I don't worry about them. I just see them as little as possible.

[Hayley]

I wouldn't take that personally. They're uncomfortable, that's why they're not going to you.

That would be true if it wasn't something that had been going on forever apparently. Either way I won't be giving up. I just needed to bet I feel much better now.

Hayley - the way I see it is your family never had a "son, brother, or nephew."  They were mistaken.  You are you and need to be you.

You are an adult.  You have made an adult decision about your life.  They need to respect that.  I think you were right to lay down the law about honoring your name and identity.

I hope they come around.

Yes despite being an adult my mother has a special way of making me feel like I am 5 again. I do hope they come around also but if not so be it. Life goes on. I'm not doubting myself anymore for their happiness. Only moving forward. I knew this would be hard. I had resignedly self to being disowned by my family but that didn't happen so that has to mean something

I understand, I torpedoed my first attempt at transition due to family matters, then spent the next twenty years feeling miserable. You aren't doing this for them, you are doing it for you. Your happiness is what counts here. You aren't hurting them, their attitude to what you are going through is what is hurting them. .

You aren't your mother's "son" you are her child. Parents invest a lot of their energy into gendering their children at the expense of seeing them as a person. She isn't losing her child.

I believe that. She doesn't but we will hopefully move past her grieving her "son" we had that almost exact conversation this morning that I am still her child. Thank you for he reply. I am
Sorry you had to push off your transition. Oh and happy birthday.

I don't plan on giving up. I am better now that I vented. Life is looking up. I know that. They all (family) know that I better over the past few months before they knew the reason. Comments and conversations with them while still in the closet showed they noticed a change in attitude and even appearance. I am happy. They will need to accept that I am just being myself. Time is what I need to give them
But patience isn't my best trait after years of waiting. Thanks for the replies. Better times ahead just need this off my chest before a face to face convo with my mom tonight.

[Ltl89]

Hey Hayley,

Hang in there.  I know family can be tough, but they can't run our lives.  You know who you are and what you want.  That's what's important. 

I can relate though.  I almost got kicked out of my home and was nearly disowned in some way.  My family used to fight with me everyday and it was like an emotional roller coaster in my home.  All I can say is that it's slowly getting better, but sometimes I feel terrible for putting my family through this.  In reality though, I'm not doing anything wrong and neither are you.  Don't ever think that you deserve blame or guilt for being who you are.

Also, please don't ever apologize for needing to vent.  It's very understandable that you needed to vent and that' why were are all here for one another.   

In any event, sorry it's going rough, but I hope it gets better. 

[Jessica Merriman]

Hayley, you are such a beautiful woman! There is a difference giving up your life to save another, that is OK, but to give up your life because OTHERS are uncomfortable is not. Live YOUR life, the one that was meant to be and who you are accountable to. Vent anytime you need to as often as you need to as we are all here for you. I know that sounds hollow in a forum like this, but we are not a forum, but a family and I feel it in my heart and soul. Stay strong sister!