Fighting with myself?

[Luin]

Heya everyone, if you'd like to know more about me I have an intro on the introductions page.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to relieve some of the doubt I feel? It's like a war between myself and it gets so confusing after a while. I feel one way, then I think another, and then I'm not sure if one is influencing the other and which way round it is. I can't stop it, it's maddening, this incessant fighting with myself. It gets so muddled up I'm not even sure how I feel half the time, I don't really trust myself.

I hope this is the right place to post. If you want any more information, just ask.

~Ashley~

[Kade1985]

What are you fighting with yourself about exactly? I mean in general I know exactly how you feel, but I mean specifically?

[Luin]

I guess it's a lot of stuff, but I think it more revolves around the fact that I didn't recognise these feelings for so long that maybe they're not real? Well, real probably isn't the best word to describe it but something like that. Do I want to transition? Is this something else, somehow giving me feelings similar? Am I just making it all up in some misguided attempt to fit in somewhere? All these things keep coming to mind. I just feel like somehow I've got something all wrong and I'm going about everything the wrong way, or seeing things that aren't really there. I mean, am I making up these feelings? Do I feel like a girl or do i want to be a girl? I say yes, but do I really feel that way or am I trying to escape something else and this just seems like a way to do that? I want to change my body, I want to be a girl, in a way I want to be TG because this allows me to hopefully do these things.

When I look at it closely, I try and identify exactly what it is I want to change about myself, and it's actually very little. I like the clothes I wear, mostly anyway. I like the things I do, and i know this isn't 100% relevant because people just like to do things, no matter their sex or gender but for me I look at them anyway. All I really want to change is my physical appearance and my voice. I want to BE a girl, be seen as a girl, sound like a girl. I still want to play games, wear baggy jeans and band t-shirts, but also open up into a more feminine side of things, so I can wear some more girly clothes but still in the area of clothing I like, wear makeup and not feel like an idiot doing it, sometimes I try and make myself look more feminine, but i look in the mirror and I see this feminine looking guy and I'm like... This isn't right? I don't want to be a feminine guy, I want to be a girl. All these little things, some so inconsequential, yet they make me doubt. the smallest thing seems to set it off.

Sorry if I went a bit off on one there, I just started typing and couldn't stop. I have a tendency to just type what I'm thinking and I go a little off topic, I'm not even sure if I answered your question.

[Kade1985]

Oh yes I know exactly what you're talking about. I was that way myself. I guess I still can be at times. It's natural, it really is. I mean you're going to read that and be like pfft I totally don't believe you, but it's natural. It's like a big thing in life and it can bring about huge changes and it's natural to doubt what you're feeling and it's also natural to be scared that maybe this isn't the right thing or that maybe you're making it all up in your head, but the fact is it's there and it is bugging you. That's how it comes off to me anyways, and that is exactly how I felt before I started my HRT last month.

Don't push yourself though, you have to take time to think everything through. It may be your best chance at a happy life, but you still have to fully reach that conclusion, even if you still have some lingering doubts and fears. If you didn't I'd say there was something wrong, it's human nature to feel those things ESPECIALLY about huge life decisions like this. Don't worry though, despite all the self doubts and wondering if you're making it all up you are not alone.

I too had wondered similar things if not the same exact things as you. the whole " revolves around the fact that I didn't recognise these feelings for so long that maybe they're not real" and I've had people question me on exactly that. Like saying stuff like, "Well you never said anything before, why now??" For me, at least, I knew something was off about myself but because I didn't know what it was, what was causing it and why I just thought it was completely normal. But now I know, and I was able to identify years of self doubt and self loathing and all that I'm able to say something.

Find someone to talk to, I mean it doesn't have to be a therapist but reach out to someone and talk it through with them, that might help you out. Be sure they are willing to listen and if they don't know much about your situation be prepared for some weird and awkward questions, and be willing to try and at least answer them best you can. It will help you work through it trust me.

[Luin]

Oh yes I know exactly what you're talking about. I was that way myself. I guess I still can be at times. It's natural, it really is. I mean you're going to read that and be like pfft I totally don't believe you, but it's natural. It's like a big thing in life and it can bring about huge changes and it's natural to doubt what you're feeling and it's also natural to be scared that maybe this isn't the right thing or that maybe you're making it all up in your head, but the fact is it's there and it is bugging you. That's how it comes off to me anyways, and that is exactly how I felt before I started my HRT last month.

Don't push yourself though, you have to take time to think everything through. It may be your best chance at a happy life, but you still have to fully reach that conclusion, even if you still have some lingering doubts and fears. If you didn't I'd say there was something wrong, it's human nature to feel those things ESPECIALLY about huge life decisions like this. Don't worry though, despite all the self doubts and wondering if you're making it all up you are not alone.

I too had wondered similar things if not the same exact things as you. the whole " revolves around the fact that I didn't recognise these feelings for so long that maybe they're not real" and I've had people question me on exactly that. Like saying stuff like, "Well you never said anything before, why now??" For me, at least, I knew something was off about myself but because I didn't know what it was, what was causing it and why I just thought it was completely normal. But now I know, and I was able to identify years of self doubt and self loathing and all that I'm able to say something.

Find someone to talk to, I mean it doesn't have to be a therapist but reach out to someone and talk it through with them, that might help you out. Be sure they are willing to listen and if they don't know much about your situation be prepared for some weird and awkward questions, and be willing to try and at least answer them best you can. It will help you work through it trust me.

Thank you, that was an amazing reply. I feel a lot better from reading that, I was so worried I was alone! I can't express the gratitude, thank you so much for taking the time to write that post and read my garbled mess!

I'm currently seeing some people, I have my second appointment soon, in about 2 weeks. It's a psychotherapist that specialises in gender therapy I think, this person is part of a team of people I get to see over the course of 3-6 months before any decision is made about whether I can start HRT. I really can't wait for this next appointment, the first one was lots of questions about my past and just trying to get to know me a little better.

Again, thank you. And any other posts by anyone else would be very welcome!

[Lizzie]

I get it. Sometimes I find myself fighting that I want to be this way, other times it's that I'm not. But I also feel at ease when I think of myself as Lizzie. Even just wearing the same clothes that I normally wear. Hell, I haven't even gone shopping for female clothes, I'm dying to get nice long skirts going own still a bit afraid to go there. But when I try to deny myself I find myself getting angry.

It's strange it feels like I get mad at myself and the rest of the world when I try to deny who I really am. It's an internal struggle. But I feel I'm starting to come to terms with myself. Most of what is stopping me now is the fear of what others will think when I start reflect more of who I am on the outside.

I've also heard the "You haven't said anything before" and the "you haven't given off this vibe....blah blah". I really didn't even truly realize these feelings until I got clean. Have been slowly coming to grips with them as time passes. It will take time I'm sure. What's really helping me is writing about my feelings in a notebook. Even when it's not related these issues just anything. Write about your day, your thoughts your feelings anything. Just write...that's what my therapist told to me and it's been helping a lot.

[Aina]

It is normal, I know just a week ago I was saying to myself "Why...I am doing this" but I then turn around and practice my voice and get butterflies in my stomach thinking about being a girl and then say to myself. "I can do this...now just gotta come-out ect ect".....

This has been a continuous cycle since august...starting to wonder when I will stop thinking like this and make a decision...

[Feather]

I have it all the time. Sometimes I feel masculine, at other times I may feel very feminine.. Depending on how I feel, I will experience very different desires and thoughts. When I feel very feminine I really just want to transition, if I don't feel feminine I don't. It's hard to figure out what I really want in life, if my desires just keep going back and forth. Well I'll talk with a therapist about all of this later but I'm sceptical that they can figure me out or point me into the right direction to figure myself out. They're still 'social scientists'.