Hi, its Maple again. I needed to release these worries and emotions from out of my mind, if it's allowed...
So I been feeling down in the dumps and I felt worried and uncertain about my future because of the many months from before, which have led me onto this unstable pathway and left me constantly worrying. I have no friends at all and my parents and siblings want nothing to do with me, so I feel alone and isolated from the outside world with the constant fear of feeling threatened and being beaten everywhere I go, which many may mistaken and accuse me for as an act of laziness which its not in my case. I've kindly asked the family many times to please refer to me with the correct pronouns, but they refuse to because of my birth gender anyways. And because the family outed me, known shopping/dining/etc places I used to visit with my family in the past no longer welcome me with one place having asked me to leave.
And then this month of March 2014, I feel that my parents are agitated of my transition of 1 Year and 1 Month, and of which I have my own doctor approved legitimate prescriptions with blood tests with affordable costs by the way. At one point, I had thought they were accepting of me because they didn't seem to mind at first, but soon became more agitated as I completed my first year of transition, which led me to believe that they may have only hoped for this to be just a phase and nothing more. So I am scared of what might happen next and I fear that my parents will want me to discontinue my medication soon or leave, in which case I will most likely be forced to leave because they won't be convinced anyways, since my body is still changing. I feel they've always perceived me as a total embarrassment of their so called high class family as many other high class people have been known for, and sorry in advance, I don't mean any offence. So now I feel utterly alone, and with no actual local friends, scared of my future path, and at the age of 29 I feel so pathetic as I live off of state funded social services and still live with the family, further damaging my already low self esteem to the point that I have been questioning my own life and existence and fearing that any person in the world would likely reject me and acting like I don't exist, hence the reason for my own life long journey of my development of social phobia and feeling less like a human being. I do not feel I can trust another person easily, as I do not want to be further damaged or hurt in the same way that the family and former friends have done to me in my younger years, and all because of the way I felt about myself and my gender from when I was three years old. I'm scared of meeting new people because of my own past experiences with others, along with many emotional scars I've accumulated and have been living with throughout my entire life, so I feel I could not easily trust any person and I'm sorry if my distrust in others hurts anyone as I do not intend to inflict or cause harm.
I'm not trying to be dramatic or an attention seeker, and nobody is obligated to read and reply to this topic/thread, I merely wished to release my thoughts and feelings from out of my mind before my feelings consume me more and more.
I hope my thoughts and feelings made sense, I await all positive and negative responses. Thanks for reading.
