Hello,
Over the last few years, I've had a growing dislike of my body, which is now bordering hatred. For as long as I remember, I felt different to other people, especially boys (less so with girls). I came to the conclusion a couple of years ago that my body getting more masculine was a problem to me, but its only been the last couple of years that I've began to properly come to terms with myself as non-binary. These last few months though, I've begun too feel more like i want to be female.
I plucked up the guts to tell my doctor, and they they have two ideas: for the last few years I've had a lot of problems in my life. Abusive relationships, a sexual assault accusation, I've lost many friends, I'm a recovered alcoholic and I've been diagnosed as severely depressed and with a lot of anxiety, most of which around my relationships with other people. I've been quite reclusive and I've never once had a satisfying, fulfilling sexual encounter ever.
My doctors can't decide if my gender issues are the cause of my strife in relating to other people, or something caused by my depression (they believe it might be an escapist behaviour) but I'm pretty certain that I want to be more female than male. I need some help from you all to tell me how this sounds. I have Cognitive behavioural therapy for my depression and anxiety, but they also want to tackle the gender stuff. I have some points to raise with them and I want some other opinions on how I feel.
- I look in the mirror and feel I'm not looking at myself. My body looks and feels wrong to me, reinforced by the fact my eyes are identical to my mum. It's like I'm looking at a girl stuck in a man-suit.
- As my shoulders broadened and my beard and body hair grew, I felt more and more repulsed by my shape
- I sometimes wish I'd wake up as a woman, or that my genitals would be destroyed somehow so I feel I could have a legitamate reason to transition in the eyes of those around me without backlash.
- I used to try to 'correct my lack of masculinity.' lifting weights, growing beards and cutting my hair shorter: It made me feel awful.
- I look at girls and I feel partly attracted, partly envious of their appearance. Im jealous of hourglass figures, soft skin etc
- men's fashion never appealed to me. Girls on the other hand does
-I grow my hair in ways that hide my strong brow and make my face seem rounder: Im almost always clean-shave, I even use hair removal products on my arms and legs. I also have had laser hair removal on my back and shoulders, but I want it on other places too.
- The only good thing I can find about my body is at least it's strong, that's the only good thing I can find about it.
- I have researched transitioning, but I don't think I can bring myself to do it out of fear I'll be ridiculed/won't pass as a woman/will lose the ability to have children.
Currently, I feel isolated and I can't talk to my family: dad's a narrow-minded hater of 'sissy boys, drag queens and 'not-real-men gays.' Mum wants a 'simple, normal family' and my brother keeps trying to turn me into a beefcake. He's a competitive weight lifter and believes I will be happier if go around casually sleeping with girls, get ripped and throw my weight around. What I want is a quiet life where I can be myself, find a nice girl who doesn't mind me being trans (if I transition or not) and have a few kids I can support with my career path as an animator and aspiring writer.
I'm leaning towards feeling I am trans-sex nowadays I feel, and it's quite scary to me I don't know what to do and find this is causing me to feel very lost.
