I already talk to my school counselor. He can't do much, to be honest. He tells me to try to do things I like and get out of the house to be with friends.
Only problem is...I don't really have friends.
Mainly it's because I moved here about 2 and a 1/2 years ago, so there wasn't as much time to build friendships like other people. Also, I'm not very talkative, so people I know are just like "Hi" and "Bye" and that's about it. Maybe ask about homework and stuff, but that's about it.
My parents also refuse to learn about trans. They don't want to know about it, hear about it, or even think about it. They refuse to even respect my opinion and other people's opinion about trans. Not even facts about trans. They think they are all disgusting and not a human being. Also, right now, I can't say anything about trans because if they have even the slight suspicion that I'm trans, they will kick me out. At the very least, keep me in the house but strip me of all the support they can strip, such as my belongings, inability to go to school, monetary support, etc. Even though I've tried to show them stuff about trans or tell them about trans things, they automatically reject and go "STFU and go to your room. We're 3 times older than you and psychologists are all trying to scam you and just want money."
Which brings me to the point about psychologists and other people in the psychology field: My parents think that all they want is money. They "aren't family", so they think they don't give a sh*t about their patients. They think they will all be like, "Ok, I'll pretend to understand you. Now give me your money." They refuse to think otherwise. I don't think they like anyone in the medical field that much anyway. At least, in America. When my brother had to remove something from his anus sphincter (I don't know what he had to remove, and I'd rather not know), my mother was complaining to me about how much it costs to just use a knife and cut off a certain area of the body (most of it was paid by insurance, but she was still ticked off). I honestly don't know how to change their mind here. The funny thing is, they were hoping that I'd be a doctor so that I can have a "happy life" (you know, with lots of money and stuff) and also take care of them when they are old. Yeah. I'm so buying into that bullcrap.
My parents are also Christian. Well, to be more precise, they became Christian a little bit after we came to America. We weren't Christian before coming to America, but now my parents are. I think that's why my dad is so obsessed with church because he said his life is so much better because he now knows what "true love" is and is not "arrogant about being able to live without God", who he believed was some "stupid thing". Ok, I can understand that. They do read the bible. At least, they appear to be. They read it at home, but I feel like they are not actually analyzing it for themselves and having someone else do the analyzing and go, "OMG I'm so smart and God is awesome. Oh, and ->-bleeped-<-gots and ->-bleeped-<-s are going against God." Seriously? They even go as far as thinking some sort of demon is inhabiting me and is making me trans. They're saying that I'm not trans - it's just the demon teasing me, and I must "fight back with God". Sigh...
Funny thing is that they refuse to learn about trans, but they are open to everything else. For example, my mom said she wanted a tablet because she wants my dad to use the laptop she and Dad use while she can use this app to talk to her friends (it's called Kakao, FYI) and use the internet to look up coupons and news. She says that she's going to look up what tablets are the best. So...refuse to learn about something that can, and has, cause people to die (suicide, hate crimes, etc.), but eager to learn about what the best piece of metal to buy with your money? Seriously?
I have tried to deal with the problem, but they are very temporary. I might read, draw, use the computer, play games on the computer, or whatever I can do to get myself to stop thinking about it. And it works...until I stop doing it. Homework's not a good distraction, and I can't do my homework without getting the urge to throw my textbook halfway across the room because of how frustrated I am at not being about to transition. (Fortunately, I stop myself early enough to not throw a textbook.) I have trouble focusing at school. I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything fun (it takes a lot of effort to convince myself that I need to distract myself and have fun...and it only ends up being temporary and not long enough to do homework comfortably), I don't feel like socializing, and I don't want to hear my teacher talking about the Mongolian empire. Or about trig functions (despite math being my favorite subject). Or anything, really.
My brother is against me being trans, too. He says that I would be better off being gay in a society than being trans. I get where his logic comes from, but I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL MALE. Even if he wasn't against it, he still hates me because he has "mental scars" from when he kept getting bugged by his friends about why I cry so much. He hates me, so I leave him alone. Any interaction with him usually doesn't end well anyway.
I feel so trapped and alone. Even if I have a lot of people online supporting me, I still feel alone because I'm physically alone. I'm not with anyone I feel comfortable with at home or at school, my counselor doesn't help much, and I can't see any kind of therapist to help me get through this.
I don't know what to do...
