My dad gave me this stupid speech today for no reason. I just....f***. I want to die so bad.

Basically, he was talking about how I seemed so depressed (of course I'm depressed - he threatened to kick me out and use fear to make me go back into the closet...for the 3rd time). He was talking about how thoughts make your life positive or negative. He thinks I should live out my life the way I want to. He says I should live a positive life and stop being so depressed. The reason I'm so ->-bleeped-<-ing pissed at this is because HE AND MY MOM ARE THE ->-bleeped-<-ING REASON I'M SO DEPRESSED! Yet here he is, telling me I should do whatever I really wanted to do and live a positive life.
He also told me that he never learned about true love before learning about God. He says that he now knows what love is because he learned about God. I have nothing against Christianity, but how can he say he learned about true love IF HE CAN'T ->-bleeped-<-ING LOVE HIS OWN KID UNCONDITIONALLY?

I just don't want to live anymore. What is this...I'm freakinig crying right now. I want to die. I can't ->-bleeped-<-ing live 3 more years. I can't even see a therapist. Nobody. Except for my counselor, who doesn't know anything about trans, but still accepts me as who I am and think my parents are selfish. I tried talking to Trevor suicide hotline. I guess they helped, but besides for the "I care about you" stuff, they told me that I can't really do anything until I'm 18 (true), but I should try to see a therapist (which I can't do at all - I have no means of transportation. My mom won't let me drive when I'm 16 anyway).

I hate my parents. I can't keep living with parents who think they love their kid when they can't really love their kid for who they really are. They only love what they want to love.

My dad says that demons make people depressed, suicidal, and all that sh*t. He says I should fight against them. Well, guess what Dad? YOU'RE THE ->-bleeped-<-ING DEMON IN MY LIFE! But there's nothing I can do...

I mean, I've tried to transition where I can (the only thing, really, is my voice), but I can't live anymore. I feel like grabbing a knife from the kitchen when my parents are sleeping and just stab myself. Seriously.

I ->-bleeped-<-ing hate my ->-bleeped-<-ing stupid parents.

I understand you are upset right now, but there are people here for you to talk to about this. Please don't do a permanent solution to a temporary problem. PM me and I will take the time to help however I can. First you will never win any conversation when others listen to G-D and are set in their ways. That is one argument you will never, ever win. Second you will have more problems than you can handle if you try to end your life and survive. Please PM me immediately! I want to talk to you about this. I have a perspective and advice which could help you. Please, please PM me.

lavini, I first want to say that i am so sorry you are going throught this. please also know that no matter how bad it gets taking your life is worse. 

few quick questions.
1: do you buy your own underware?
2: is there anything else you can think of doing to help?

any therapist can help with gender dysphoria. yes the more experianced the better however it is not nesicary for them to be experianced.  case in point my therapist..... i was the first trans indevidual she has had dealings with.

Keep your head up and things will get better. I know its hard.

@Sheala
1. No. Actually, I don't have anything that I can buy personally.
2. No. No therapist I can see. My parents think that only THEY are right because everyone in the psychology field wants to scam people so they can get money. I did go to a therapist w/ my parents once, but they were disappointed. They said that they got the impression that she just wanted the money. I mean, from what I heard from my parents, all she seemed to have said was, "So when are you going to pay?" OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO ASK THAT. SHE'S WONDERING WHETHER YOU WERE GOING TO PAY NOW OR LATER. IDIOTS.

I feel so freaking trapped. I don't know how long I'll last.

Go see your school counceler, they may have some ideas. or be able to help you. a school nurse should be able to help a little as well. they both should be confidential unless you confess to hurting others.

Quote from: Sheala on March 08, 2014, 08:31:36 PM
Go see your school counceler, they may have some ideas. or be able to help you. a school nurse should be able to help a little as well. they both should be confidential unless you confess to hurting others.

Agreed! These are excellent people to talk to.

Have you come out to any of your friends? It can be a stressful step, but having advocates (on whatever level) is so uplifting. Even just being able to be yourself part of the time is better than nothing (IMO).

Quote from: Jill E on March 08, 2014, 08:37:48 PM
Have you come out to any of your friends?

Well, that may or may not work out.

I had a couple of friends that I could talk with about anything and everything.

BUT, I never told them about anything I was feeling as far as GID was concerned because I was afraid they would ditch me if I did that.

Well, I came out to them in 2007 and suddenly, 15 years of friendship didn't mean a whole hell of a lot. They both dropped me like a hot potato.

First of all if you feel that way about your life you should get yourself to your local hospital.

Not sure if you are in the states but there are protection laws that can help.

But again the first thing is for you to be safe and get the help you need to be safe if your parents will not.

Get help please

Isabell

Have you seen a Doctor with respect to your depression? Would your parents support you seeing a Doctor to help with your depression? If you see a Doctor and explain the issues you are dealing with and why you are depressed. The Doctor is an authority your parents may respect and listen to.

See your school counselor and ask if the counselor has access to Skype for assistance with an associate for help in your situation.

Contact a local LGBT center and ask for information about youth trans. Explain what you are going through and ask for help.

Hugs, I know how you feel. I have been there, although many years ago. It took me a long time to realize no matter what I did I am who I am. So your parents, who have no reference of Trans*, do not understand. They know you are in pain and are advising you on what they have done to feel better. They do not have a chance in dealing in something like this, without gaining the knowledge.

It took me a lifetime until just recently I understand heterosexuality, I think. I thought I knew what it was but it is foreign to me. I never knew that as I am others are different. I accept all and they can only accept a narrow sliver. I thought it as a choice for them and just natural for me. I am so wrong and it is very apparent I have no reference in understanding heterosexuality.

Suicide and self harm, I lived a lifetime in the grips of depression and coping with being in denial and having self hate. I now know suicide is a safety valve going off. When the tension gets very high I have certain thoughts and sometimes actions. I now realize those thoughts are the result of the feelings of helplessness and non-action. I now try to redirect my energy to achieve the underlying need that causes the stress.

3 years, there is so much to do and learn. You will need the time so get going, learn about trans, get help for your parents (books, pamphlets, Pflag, school counselor and LGBT center help) to educate themselves on the subject. They may not agree or want to learn but remain respectful, persistent and informed.

I have had friends commit suicide and I was close several times. I know things at tough now but I will tell you something. I am very glad I did not end it. The reason is that becoming me is worth all the pain and suffering. I know that is not what you want to hear but it is true. Your identity is something you should not have to compromise. Your are in a tough position now but you have a lot of work to do, so get busy, it is worth the effort.

Hi!  I'm Jen.

I can relate to where you are coming from.  I have a few ideas...I also have a few questions....

Why are your parents against transitioning? If you don't know, ask them. 

Why don't your parents want to work with psychologists?  Point out that most people who see a psychologist thinking they are trans, don't actually transition.  (Ruse to get you into one.)

What religion are your parents?

Your parents seem to be ultra religious.  Are they actually open to reading and understanding the bible or are they just going to go on with their current thoughts?  I can make strong arguments that this is not a sin.

When I was young, I had dysphoria as well.  I learned to block it, at least for a while

There are ways to deal with the urges without transitioning...

Do something else.  It doesn't matter what.  Find something you like to do and do it. 

Don't think about your problem.  If you start to think about it, stop and think about something else.

If you have a friend or brothers/sisters, hang out with them.  Basically, don't be alone.

When you think about being transgendered, focus on being 18 and starting the change.  Don't focus on the problems of today; focus on what it will be like when you get to do this.  Think about what it will be like when to do transition.  Don focus on your inability to transition today.

Study your buns off.

Keep pecking at your parents, like once or twice a week.  Not too hard, just little things, just a casual mention of trans-folk, being trans and looking forward.  There is no magic pill here, just, periodically let them remember. 

Study your buns off.  Transitioning isn't easy and you can start now by getting ready.

Remember, if you want it bad enough, it will happen.

Hugs,

Jen   

I already talk to my school counselor. He can't do much, to be honest. He tells me to try to do things I like and get out of the house to be with friends.

Only problem is...I don't really have friends.
Mainly it's because I moved here about 2 and a 1/2 years ago, so there wasn't as much time to build friendships like other people. Also, I'm not very talkative, so people I know are just like "Hi" and "Bye" and that's about it. Maybe ask about homework and stuff, but that's about it.

My parents also refuse to learn about trans. They don't want to know about it, hear about it, or even think about it. They refuse to even respect my opinion and other people's opinion about trans. Not even facts about trans. They think they are all disgusting and not a human being. Also, right now, I can't say anything about trans because if they have even the slight suspicion that I'm trans, they will kick me out. At the very least, keep me in the house but strip me of all the support they can strip, such as my belongings, inability to go to school, monetary support, etc. Even though I've tried to show them stuff about trans or tell them about trans things, they automatically reject and go "STFU and go to your room. We're 3 times older than you and psychologists are all trying to scam you and just want money."

Which brings me to the point about psychologists and other people in the psychology field: My parents think that all they want is money. They "aren't family", so they think they don't give a sh*t about their patients. They think they will all be like, "Ok, I'll pretend to understand you. Now give me your money." They refuse to think otherwise. I don't think they like anyone in the medical field that much anyway. At least, in America. When my brother had to remove something from his anus sphincter (I don't know what he had to remove, and I'd rather not know), my mother was complaining to me about how much it costs to just use a knife and cut off a certain area of the body (most of it was paid by insurance, but she was still ticked off). I honestly don't know how to change their mind here. The funny thing is, they were hoping that I'd be a doctor so that I can have a "happy life" (you know, with lots of money and stuff) and also take care of them when they are old. Yeah. I'm so buying into that bullcrap.

My parents are also Christian. Well, to be more precise, they became Christian a little bit after we came to America. We weren't Christian before coming to America, but now my parents are. I think that's why my dad is so obsessed with church because he said his life is so much better because he now knows what "true love" is and is not "arrogant about being able to live without God", who he believed was some "stupid thing". Ok, I can understand that. They do read the bible. At least, they appear to be. They read it at home, but I feel like they are not actually analyzing it for themselves and having someone else do the analyzing and go, "OMG I'm so smart and God is awesome. Oh, and ->-bleeped-<-gots and ->-bleeped-<-s are going against God." Seriously? They even go as far as thinking some sort of demon is inhabiting me and is making me trans. They're saying that I'm not trans - it's just the demon teasing me, and I must "fight back with God". Sigh...

Funny thing is that they refuse to learn about trans, but they are open to everything else. For example, my mom said she wanted a tablet because she wants my dad to use the laptop she and Dad use while she can use this app to talk to her friends (it's called Kakao, FYI) and use the internet to look up coupons and news. She says that she's going to look up what tablets are the best. So...refuse to learn about something that can, and has, cause people to die (suicide, hate crimes, etc.), but eager to learn about what the best piece of metal to buy with your money? Seriously?

I have tried to deal with the problem, but they are very temporary. I might read, draw, use the computer, play games on the computer, or whatever I can do to get myself to stop thinking about it. And it works...until I stop doing it. Homework's not a good distraction, and I can't do my homework without getting the urge to throw my textbook halfway across the room because of how frustrated I am at not being about to transition. (Fortunately, I stop myself early enough to not throw a textbook.) I have trouble focusing at school. I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything fun (it takes a lot of effort to convince myself that I need to distract myself and have fun...and it only ends up being temporary and not long enough to do homework comfortably), I don't feel like socializing, and I don't want to hear my teacher talking about the Mongolian empire. Or about trig functions (despite math being my favorite subject). Or anything, really.

My brother is against me being trans, too. He says that I would be better off being gay in a society than being trans. I get where his logic comes from, but I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL MALE. Even if he wasn't against it, he still hates me because he has "mental scars" from when he kept getting bugged by his friends about why I cry so much. He hates me, so I leave him alone. Any interaction with him usually doesn't end well anyway.

I feel so trapped and alone. Even if I have a lot of people online supporting me, I still feel alone because I'm physically alone. I'm not with anyone I feel comfortable with at home or at school, my counselor doesn't help much, and I can't see any kind of therapist to help me get through this.

I don't know what to do...

Lavini be strong,,,

even if you cant transition now you can prepare and do somethings...

grow your hair , dont exercise and dont eat much that should help you avoid becoming a large dude or somethin,
have patience I cant really tell you to do something with your parents cause honestly they seem to be strongly against it...

just wait these years , make some friends  a lot of us had to wait, yeah its really hard...but I tell you now , the wait will be worth it...

To be honest you sound really depressed...just , just do enough so you ll be able to continue your life in some years...

I really wish everything works out.

You are in a situation that is going to take time to solve. If you can keep up with your study do so !
Remember the word FRIEND is (ab)used today,use acquaintance!
Religious fanatics regardless the flavor are never a good party for a open and honest discusion.
In (god's) name are still the most hideous crimes committed. I have no idea if you told your parents you want to kill yourself,if you dit we can think of ther answer,and more sadly most wouldn't care if you did.
And please do not end your life for this reason,over some time you can leave,and live the life you want,that's why school is important.

Life long and happy

Lavini, I don't know how old you are but you can use this time to transition more mentally. Study how you're preferred gender talks, walks, thinks, shows emotions and so on. You can do all that in private. Make friends and leave yourself open to people making friends with you. If your mom wears makeup and you have the house to yourself, look up some makeup tutorials on youtube or other sites and practice. FalsePrincess's suggestions are really good, watch your weight, grow your hair long, practice female beauty habits, like hair removal, skin care and all the other pain in the butt stuff we love to do in order to feel more femme. Eventually you will be on your own and can do what you want, just have patience and mentally transform for now.

Quote from you,"My parents are also Christian. Well, to be more precise, they became Christian a little bit after we came to America. We weren't Christian before coming to America, but now my parents are." In my experience when someone finds "Christ" they seem to be a lot more strict in following the word. This may or may not ease up. Please don't harm yourself when you got a lifetime ahead of you to be who you want to be. Again, I can't say this enough, use this time to transform mentally and learn and practice when you can. Seek out individuals like yourself to be friends with if you feel that they may be LGBT. If not you have friends here and most if not all have been through what you are going through now.

Thank you all.
However, whatever I do, it doesn't help me cope with my depression. Every day, I feel like I'm being pushed back into a corner more and more, and I feel like I will eventually reach a day when I actually commit suicide instead of just thinking about it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything fun, I don't want to do anything. I even notice my grade dropping (slowly, but it is dropping) because I can't focus - not because I keep getting focused on my dysphoria, but just being depressed itself is making me not focus. Whenever I try to do homework, I end up walking in circles or end up on the verge of throwing anything near me across the room.

As stated before (I think), I have been training my voice. I have started practicing walking a little. Growing my hair is out of the question right now because of my parents (they think hair that touches the neck is too long for a guy), and my parents enrolled me into taekwondo to "man up" and all that crap. That place made me build up some muscle, and I don't like it. Hopefully, when I reach black belt around December this year (if I pass the test that is - there's a low fail rate, but one never knows XD), I can quit so that I can lose some of the muscle.

I did get a message in my PM inbox about a possible source of hormones today, though. I am thinking about actually doing it because I feel like I am going crazy because of this depression (grades dropping, unsupportive parents, and parents forcing you study for the SATs don't help the situation). I know it's not this "magic pill" that will solve all my problems, but I am hoping that it, in the very least, helps me feel better about myself. I do need to do some more research, though. Like how to get tests for the whole "harm reduction" thing (I asked my mom when we get blood tests, and she said we just go "when the doctor tells us to". We didn't get one last year for some reason, but we got one the year before that. And no, I am not telling that doctor that I'm going on hormones, because this is the same doctor that told my mother that gender dysphoria is bullsh*t and the solution to my problem was to stop me from looking up information about trans people and encouraging "manly" things.)

Thoughts?

Dont self medicate its the worst thing you can do. Just take a deep breath and relax yourself. Many of us have faced anxiety over when we transition and how others will percieve us. Bear in mind your family likes mine, as they are completely against it but they will come around in time. Once your 18, your free to do what you want with a income. You should focus on getting a career and transitioning so you could live on your own without transitioning. I feel and understand what you are going through at the moment.

Quote from: lavini557 on March 10, 2014, 05:21:16 PM
I am not telling that doctor that I'm going on hormones, because this is the same doctor that told my mother that gender dysphoria is bullsh*t and the solution to my problem was to stop me from looking up information about trans people and encouraging "manly" things.)

That guy sounds like a moronic quack.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on March 10, 2014, 08:17:39 PM
That guy sounds like a moronic quack.

Seconded.  This is a case of malpractice.  Gender dysphoria is very real, and the only thing that has ever been effective at treating it is to make the body match the mind.  Just because you have an MD, it doesn't make you necessarily right.

I agree with izzy, self medication is a really bad idea and can lead to some bad consequences.

I also agree with Jill and Laura about the moronic quack. Gender dysphoria or dysphoria of any kind is a legitimate psychological condition and if anything Dr. Duck should have referred you and your parents to a therapist to address the issues. If not for GID at least for depression and hon, the way you describe your life sounds like a pretty bad case of depression. Loss of interest, loss of concentration, not finding any fun or happiness in anything you do that you used to, hopelessness, helplessness, and the real biggie is suicidal thoughts. All are indicators of major depression. Do not disclaim these as just thoughts because if you are thinking this way it may take one incident to throw you over the edge. Please seek help from a psychological professional either through a Hotline, therapist or Psychiatrist as soon as possible. Even a little stay at a hospital and away from your parents may do you a world of good. Get a handle on the depression first and quell the suicidal thoughts. Then you can tackle the GID with a therapist. But the depression really needs to be addressed first and in a big way to see other options besides self destruction. Seriously seek the right help lavini and that would be through someone that has a psychological background. 

Yeah. I never really liked that doctor that much anyway. Technically, he DID refer us to a therapist, who we did see. She has heard of gender dysphoria, but is not an expert about it. However, my parents thought she was just scamming me by "pretending to sympathize with me" and just wanting the money. *sigh*

So I shouldn't self-medicate? Well, I guess I shouldn't, because I heard of things going wrong b/c of overdose and stuff like that. The thing is, though, is that I can't see anyone - not even for my depression. My parents have this idea that major depression is where one doesn't eat, drink, leave the house, and just lies in bed all day. While I honestly do want to just lie in bed and just do nothing, I might still eat and drink because I keep telling myself that life will get better when I'm 18. Despite this, my parents think my depression is not legitimate.

Is there any way to see someone online or through the phone, preferably for free? I rarely get to go out of the house. Also, if I do get to see someone for my depression, should I mention it's because I'm trans? Because I think that if they know nothing about gender dysphoria, they'll be like, "Oh, it's not...whatever you called it. It's [insert some other psychological problem here], now take these pills and you'll feel better." Just a thought.