Shadow keeps following me

[Izla]

Heey there, I'm new around here, terrified and just want to let a few thoughts out, so first thanks for providing a place for me to do that.

I know a lot of these stories start with "When I was a little boy.." but to be honest my childhood is kind of hard to remember, I didn't pay much attention to anything, I was just a kid rather than "boy" and that was alright I guess. Always kind of an outcast but that's because I didn't, and still don't really, like talking much.

Aaaanyway fast forward to late teens and I first discover what transgender really is. I don't know, from that point on it felt like a part of my brain got activated that I can "shut down" sometimes, or I thought I could since it so far has always come back "online". All over last Summer and Christmas I managed to put it behind me but now .. yeah, that feeling is back (kind of like a gut wrenching sensation when you look at a girl rather than "oh, she's really attractive"). It's like I can put it in a box, close the lid, but like that pop up clown it keeps coming back up.

Sooo really I'm here just to try and discover what's wrong with my head. I'll be reading up a lot (it's hard enough for me to type this stuff out, I don't think I could bear face-to-face talking with anyone, I really mean no offense to anyone but I feel like a "freak" right now).

I don't even know if I am transgender and even fit here, I mean why didn't I act earlier? I'm 22 and a fully fledged man now so it seems too late to do anything either way (puberty really, really hit me like a truck, I mean really). Although having said that I don't want to get older and find it comes back again. So yeah, look one way and find fear, look the other and still fear. This sucks.

Alright, that's that. Finally - hello! I always visit this site when I'm having one of my "episodes" but I thought this time I'd at least put one foot forward and make myself known, hopefully I'll find whatever it is that I'm looking for. Have a nice day!

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Hey Izla

Welcome ,
its never to late to try and be yourself...

Good luck

[V M]

Hi Izla 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Carlota]

Hi Izla! Nice to meet you.

You will find that this place is very welcoming and a good place to come. There are many people here who are willing to give you support and lend an ear - eh eyes and fingertips.  And like the poster said before me, it is never too late to be yourself. And if you're still wondering, thinking, or questioning, it is ok. this is a pretty good place to start.

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome to the family Izla! Late onset of Gender Dysphoria is not uncommon at all. Know these things, you are not a freak, you are by no means alone and you have nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. You have found the most supportive and caring family on the net today. All of the information you get here is provided by real people just like you at all stages of transition, from questioning to Post Op. You will learn all about gender Dysphoria, it's symptoms and treatments first hand and be able to decide if transition is for you. I started transition at age 47 and don't think I look half bad. I have been full time since January 1st and have no trouble passing. A lot of that has to do with confidence and if you are here very long I hope you pick some up. My first stop if I were you would be to a good Therapist with gender experience. They can direct you from there and a lot of Endocrinologist's will not start you on HRT (if you decide to) without a clearance letter from a Therapist. Feel free to question, rant, vent, share good news (we like that a LOT) or just have some fun and meet the rest of the family. Here is a BIG HUG  to welcome you and start your journey off right. After 15 post's feel free to use the PM feature to contact any of us directly.

[Izla]

Thank you all so much for welcoming me. In the space of a day I have gone from thinking I could shrug this off again to absolutely crying my eyes out looking at some of the transition timelines here. I almost wish I hadn't looked so it'd be easier to kill the hope. It's feeling more real than ever before now.

I promise to be more active when I can stop deleting stuff before I click "Post".

Thanks again and good night.

[Jamie D]

Izla, welcome! 

I can relate to what you say about your childhood.  I had no strong sense of gender before puberty.  I too was just a "kid."  But even at that age, we start to pick up on societal gender expectations.  Those things get reinforced, often negatively ... Boys don't do this; girls don't do that; play nice, etc.

Early on I developed a liking for non-gendered activities, like going to the beach, or hiking, or reading.

Glad to have a kindred soul here.