Hi everyone,
I'm a 34-years old biological male who, like a lot of you, is really a girl. For the last 4-5 months, I've been really considering transitioning, but I am really scared that it may be too late for me. I know lots of people do this sort of thing in their 30's, 40's and even 50's, but I feel like if the transition did not go well at all, I think I would have been better off staying as I am now.
For me, I really and truly feel like the fact that I didn't transition earlier was a big injustice. The only reason I didn't and couldn't was due to my family - and more specifically, the amount of abuse I went through for the first 23 years of my life.
My family - especially my dad - was very much aware that they had a son who never acted or thought like a boy. I know not everyone has supportive parents, but my family abused the hell out of me when I was growing up (in every way imaginable), mostly because of this gender disphoria... but also because they were just evil psychopaths and horrible people. Both my brothers were not much better.
Because of this abuse, I suppressed all of my thoughts about my gender and of my childhood, which used to be really clear to me when I was 5 or 8 years old. I never fully recovered all of the memories until this year. It actually took 7 years of very intense therapy and emotional processing to recover it all, and there was a lot of triggers that were about tons of other stuff - like social anxiety, sexuality, and all manner of things - not just gender.
What is really interesting is that the entire time I have finally escaped my family - a total of 9 years - I was still behaving quite feminine and thinking like a girl in most things. I was constantly having trouble "living like a guy" too. Despite this, I was never consciously aware of the fact that I thought I was girl - I just thought I was feminine... or very sensitive... or something like that. Now that my memories and stuff are fully integrated, my whole life - especially all of the problems I've had in the last 9 years with dating and a bunch of other things - make so much sense to me now.
Anyway, now that my mind is pretty well-adjusted, I'm fairly happy, etc., I am giving transition some very serious thought. I've read lots of information that says one can expect much better results if you transition when you're younger, like in your teens or maybe early 20's. I have not read very many good success stories of girls transitioning in their 30's though.
I do have a couple of things going for me that may combat my age:
- My skin is already smoother and silkier than most woman. It's very high quality, mostly because I didn't do any male activities to ruin it, and I avoided the sun a lot. I am rather naturally hairy though, but I have been shaving everything and maintaining that for some time. I plan on getting everything removed via laser regardless of my decision to transition.
- I already have a natural 4-inch hourglass figure, without having done any waist training. There's actually lots of room for improvement here, and I bought a corset to do just that.
- My lower body, besides my hips, is already super feminine, and I surprisingly look good in Yoga Pants and panties. My hips could obviously be wider, but I am very happy with my lower body already.
- I am very healthy, I exercise, I am very strict in what I put into my body, and I am not overweight.
- My natural voice is probably already quite close to how a girl would sound like. I am fortunate to either have unconsciously trained it to talk like a girl, or the testosterone has not as big of an impact on me as others... or both. I suspect my testosterone levels are below average, and my estrogen levels are higher naturally.
Still, I have a wider upper chest frame, and I suspect if I did not get at least a B-cup from hormones (and probably C, which is very rare), the breasts from hormones will not look proportionate to my body type. I am also not at all sure how my face will look after hormones. I have no idea what to expect, and I'm scared that I may have to get plastic surgery... which is something I am not thrilled about. I don't want to do anything really invasive that could potentially have very bad long-term affects.
I will say too that the way I look is less important than how people treat me and my freedom to simply *be me*. I know these things are not mutually exclusive, but I have found that if I'm with a girl romantically and she "gets me", I am very happy. There's not a lot of girls who are naturally dominant this way, but they do exist and they make great partners. When I act like my real self around my friends, I am also happy. It's nice having supporting friends who don't judge and are simply happy when you're happy.
I do things to feel more feminine as well, which helps too, like waxing or wearing female clothes that work for my body and don't draw too much attention. I wouldn't say I am a cross-dresser per say... I play it pretty safe because I actually don't want to be noticed. I kind of like people leaving me alone. Still, I do more than just wear panties, lol. My actual home looks way more like a the girl lives there than a guy - my landlord certainly comments on this.
The real reason I want to transition though is that I am really frustrated and tired and sad of having gender expectations placed on me by the general public. Men seem to be super competitive, and when you're as intelligent and skillful as I am, men seem to take every opportunity to prove to you that their dick is bigger than yours. I also find that they are disrespectful, as they try to assert their "dominance", as if they are just letting their biology rule every decision they make. I just notice it too much, and I can't stand it. I tend to avoid men like the plague. It's a good thing I am not at all attracted to them.
Dating women is also very frustrating, because they place all of these masculine expectations on me, which are not at all natural for me to fulfill. I'm the girl who wants to snuggle and be protected by my partner - not the other way around. I want the girl to take my hand and lead me around. I want her to initiate the first kiss, and the sex. I want her to put her arm around me. However, when women expect you to take care of them, provide them with resources, anticipate their every need, lead them, etc., which is completely unnatural for me.
So... I think if I actually looked like a girl, people would actually treat me the way my brain says they should treat me. I am just tired of being treated like a guy, from all perspectives. My only solitude is a girl I am dating that gets me (which is rare), or my very good friends.
But, I am scared. I don't want to <not allowed> up my body, or make things even worse by them not turning out well. I don't have 100's of thousands of dollars to correct what is wrong after 2 years on hormones. I can't even imagine being 35, and if things go wrong, still having to wait even more time to fix those problems before I can finally start living my life. It seems unfair, after all of the therapy I've done where I already wasn't really living my life... not to mention my whole childhood was stolen from me too. I am filled with grief of not getting what I wanted for the last many decades, and I just want to start getting it now, now that my triggers are mostly gone.
I so desperately want to be able to just snap my fingers and be a girl, but I know that can't happen. And I am very scared that I am well past my ability to transition and look like the person that I see on the inside. And even worse, have it turn out horribly, where I may actually be in a better position to get what I want as a male.
Anyway, I'd appreciate any thoughts. I'm really curious about success stories from girls in their early to mid-thirties. Thanks for listening.
