Hello everyone, this is my first post on any forum so I am sorry if it is messy. I needed to get some things off my chest as i can not afford to go to therapist yet and also maybe some advise.
In the past few years i have come to the realization and acceptance that i am trans. When i was young i would always ask my parents if i could be a girl. Those conversations quickly ended with do i like boys which when i first asked at the age of three i could not answer. Later the convos ended with you can do what ever you want when your 18. Well im past 18 and in fact turned 19 Christmas eve.
A few things that hinted to me that i might be trans: When i was young i use to always talk about wanting to be a girl and even as far as dressing up in my own mothers clothing. When i dream i always am portrayed as a female, even when i try to make myself dream differently i cannot. And i have always liked the color pink and also i envied how women looked. Every time i would see a girl in high school i would always think, what if for just one day i could switch with her to finally figure out if this is what i want.
Then comes the confusing parts. I was raised in a family that is into motorcycles and guns and a lot of the other popular things men decide to do down in Louisiana. We would always go watch drag races and i LOVED them. My other two passions are video games and firearms. I like to take apart both computers and guns and see how they work, clean them, and provide maintenance. But then on the other hand when i walk through the mall for instance i look into the clothing stores for women, and not to stare at the mannequins like a lot of my friends did. When i looked into the stores i would always play out a scene of me walking in there like it was no ones business and shopping for things that i LIKED. Not what was based around what we are supposed to like.
I first spoke to my best friend that i have know since kindergarten and still hang out to this day. We are inseparable. I use to hint about if he would be my friend no matter what and eventually chicken out from telling him. Then one day i was so depressed about it that i did not even care if he knew. I told him and to my surprise he accepted me in an instant. Instead of shoeing me away we actually had a full blown conversation that lasted a couple of days. And never once did he try to steer me away. He was supportive which ever way that i was leaning.
I have always felt as though i did not belong in my own skin, as if god had messed up with which soul goes into which body, if god exists and that is a story for another day. I always saw myself and thought of myself as a girl, but when you are 5'7 and 300 pounds of muscle covered in hair it is hard to portray that. I always think about what type of girl i would be and i would always think that i would be the tomboy girl if that makes since. I long to wear dresses and makeup and fit in shopping with my best friends, but on the other hand driving my harley from '63 everwhere i go and taking my guns to the shooting range every now and then.
I like girls and i at one point dated a girl from twin peaks who all up and disappeared. I showed up to eat and her boss did not know where she was and neither did i. The other girl i dated was a girl that worked at a motorcycle dealership in the parts department. She was very beautiful and drove her own crotch rocket. I always picture myself as not really dating someone. And when i think about dating a girl it makes me depressed, and when i think about a guy i just kinda shake it off. My counsler at school before i graduated use to hang out alot and talk. She always would joke and call me a lesbian because she knew that i wanted to be a girl but she also knew that i was dating girls. And every time she called me that it felt right. Until i looked into a mirror and felt like i did not match what i thought. At times i felt imagined ripping my skin off and revealing another person underneath. The person i always longed for "ME".
This was typed hastily and i again apologize for any errors. I can post more later i am just going to hang out with my best friend right now. Thank you to all that take their time out of their day to give me advice or a few words.
