Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 14, 2014, 09:35:41 PM
I have to admit a few tear drops reading this. Have you tried to talk about how you really feel to her? Also, what was the title of the book? Any clue's there? I have never gotten a book from someone with a dedication so that is interesting. Does she know you are trans or have any idea what she thinks about that subject? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to figure it out.
This is for you 
I never told her, not by words...I wanted to tell her at the right moment, but it never came.
There was a day when her car broke. It was a saturday morning, so we weren't going to work. She called me to se if I could help her. I got very happy that she asked me..I mean, she could have asked her old and best friends, or her family, or even an unknown boyfriend...but she called me!
I stopped everything and left my home at the same instant ready to save her! Getting there I could "fix" the car myself (the car was fine, it was with low battery and all the waiting until I arrived was enough to charge it a bit)... she thanked me a lot saying every kind of compliments, that I was one of the nicest person she have met and so on.
Then there were days when she had to work on a different shift, and she asked me if I wanted to change my shift to match hers so we could keep working together (actually we spent more time talking than working lol) I asked my boss for me to match her shift. She did the same for me when I had to work on different shifts too.
But then I asked her to go out a few times. One day I gathered enought courage and I struggled to ask her...and she refused. I made two more tries on the next weeks and all with the same results.
The problem is that while we were together, she was all kindness and she was really acting like she had a crush on me...but then some of her actions were saying the opposite...like she declining my invitations for a date.
And I was just too afraid of destroying our friendship by telling her how much I cared for her...I though it was so obvious that I liked her! When we lost contact I was considering telling her on facebook and ask if we had more than friendship going on, but I though "now it doesn't matter anymore".
The book she gave me is a religious book to boost self-esteem. I'm not a very religious person, but she knows that I am very depressive sometimes, as she is. She kept telling me how religion could make her feel better when she was drowning in sorrow...When we were working she was having a difficult time with her family and her job perspectives...and I tried to cheer her up all the time...I'm afraid she might just be referring to this on the book and not to our whole "relationship".
She doesn't know I'm trans and perhaps my drastic visual changes on the last year made she get suspicious of something...I told her that it is the results of losing a lot of weight, but this is no excuse for my longer hair and my eyebrows
. Perhaps she thinks I am gay, I don't know... I don't behave like a gay man, but my visual and my opinions around a lot of things are clearly feminine...we even talked a lot about feminism and we share the same opinions. And yesterday, before leaving, two of her friends were close and decided to talk to her and they were gay. She introduced me to them and I felt like "perhaps after all I am just another "gay" friend?"
Today I will meet her again, because yesterday she forgot her cellphone with me (my fault actually!). I am considering telling her something...but I am too coward!! Oh god, what should I do? Even if she had some feelings for me, I don't believe she would accept me as a trans...she, for sure, won't want to hang out with a girl!
Thank you for the hugs sweetie, I was really needing them
