Anyone else gone through this? Feeling depressed/self conscious

[HumanBeing]

Hi guys,

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through a stage / stages where they feel uncomfortable going outside? Whether trying to 'pass' or not?

- - - - - -
Literally, I've got to leave out for work in a short while and I only do it part time but it's retail. I'm not out yet, and won't be for a short while...so at work I've got to put up with my very female name on my name tag...my stomach is churning as usual and I've been to the bathroom about 5 times. This always happens when I have to go to work. Just don't like it.

I can just about deal with leaving the house to study because most people either view me as male or butch and I only interact with classmates rather than customers etc. I can't wait to come out and be 'me'. I'm becoming depressed, normally when it's sunny I'd go out etc but I just don't want to. I'm sleeping a lot more and have no interested in anything anymore. I can socialise with friends and have a laugh etc but life in general is just draining my energy [I'm not suicidal guys, so don't worry] Just lost my enthusiasm for everything.

Still living at home and have had a moment when I was younger and was 'found out' it didn't go well but wasn't extreme like getting kicked out of the house or anything - my mother just told me to delete the sites I was on and completely dismissed it after being angry/confused for a while.

The feeling of wanting to come out is so strong right now, try to avoid my own mother because I feel like a fake, don't appreciate being called my birth name etc. Also feel like I'm hiding something...which technically I am. I literally lock myself in the room 24/7 but I leave the door open now because she used to just burst in and it would really aggravate me. I've got the point now where everything she does annoys me too...no fault of her own I just want to reach out to her and can't so yeah...

Realistically I won't come out until September when I've moved out of the parental home and whether she chooses to support me or not won't bother me. But somedays I feel like I should just give her a letter and say basically 'this is what it is, it's not going to change, I need to be me' not sure how she'd react and I can't deal with anymore stress right now.

I need to save money for my studies and that is the only thing keeping me there. I don't enjoy going to work like 'this' and try to only leave the house at night where I can't be seen.

I haven't got anxiety or whatever..could be wrong. It's just how I present to others and how I get treated as a 'female' it feels so wrong, so alien. I get so offended when guys talk to me in a different tone than they do with their male counterparts because I am one of them...they just don't know it.

Sorry this has turned from a question to a rant...but I feel better saying this now and getting it off my chest because I have to leave the house soon 

Thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read that. Needed to vent.

But back to the actual question has anyone ever felt depressed/ not wanted to go outside etc?
How did you cope with work situations?
If anyone has actually transitioned at work I'd love to hear from you. I can do it at the company..just not at the store I'm at - it's too small, everyone has their opinions, they talk too much and worst of all they know me as 'female'.

[Jessica Merriman]

Yes definitely! I as a MTF felt I could never have the courage to go out dressed as my true inner self. This went on for 40 years every day wanting to be me, but trying to use logic to keep it all inside me. I fought with myself all the time, every hour of every day. Then I got to the live or die moment. I contacted a Therapist and told my deepest, darkest secret ever. A few visits later I showed completely dressed and never looked back. I came home and purged "his" things instead of mine. All it took was one day dressed to see the world didn't end or some other disaster occur because I was finally me. I went full time the first day I dressed. After that it just seems normal now to dress and be myself. I cant help with the job part though. I was injured in the line of duty and retired. A lot of people here do not believe in Therapy, but it helped me more than anything. It allowed me to clear hurdles and chart a path on this journey we all take. If you do not have one please get one as they are the difference between successful transition and failure in my opinion.

[rexyrex]

I use to shut my self away in my bedroom, and only go out when i really need to. I hated how everyone sees me as a "female". the only thing that kept me going was that i was looking forward to able to start being who i was when i moved out. I sleeped more and just been on internet or played on my xbox to kill time. I did get depressed now and then but i had to fight it.

I sent an email to my mum shortly after i moved out, i was worried she wont accept it, but she was very accepting which was odd for me as i did come out before and she just snapped at me saying it was only a phase.

Sounds like you'll just have to put up with it all till September, or find a way to talk your mum? By letter.

Coming on here has helped me a lot to get where i want to be, and you will get to where you want to be, just hang in there.

[Alexthecat]

I never wanted to go or do anything for a few years. I ended up quitting my job and being a hermit in my room. I didn't know I was trans at the time. My mom really pissed me off and it only got better when I didn't live with her anymore. I moved to grandma's then opened up more, I got a job to pay for my surgery, I had figured I was trans shortly before moving and then took the steps and here I am today post op. The move was 2 years ago.

[Calder Smith]

I use to shut my self away in my bedroom, and only go out when i really need to. I hated how everyone sees me as a "female". the only thing that kept me going was that i was looking forward to able to start being who i was when i moved out. I sleeped more and just been on internet or played on my xbox to kill time. I did get depressed now and then but i had to fight it.

I sent an email to my mum shortly after i moved out, i was worried she wont accept it, but she was very accepting which was odd for me as i did come out before and she just snapped at me saying it was only a phase.

Sounds like you'll just have to put up with it all till September, or find a way to talk your mum? By letter.

Coming on here has helped me a lot to get where i want to be, and you will get to where you want to be, just hang in there.

That's how I am right now. I don't like being seen as female by my family and friends and I'm afraid of being discovered in the public and embarrassed. I like to hide in my bedroom and play my PlayStation 3 or go on the internet and shy away from the world but I can't do this forever. Hopefully I can socially transition with my family soon.

[Kreuzfidel]

My dysphoria was so bad that I quit every job I had (because I couldn't transition and had to present as female) and ended up becoming a recluse for 10 years - living with my grandparents as a live-in carer in the middle of the backwoods.  I could not function in society, even as a facade, as a female.

I would just like to point out that what you're describing here does sound like symptoms of depression (and understandably so).  I would suggest that you seek out help - whether it's a counsellor, therapist or psychologist - for this depression.  This would be a good way to find someone who would objectively listen to your feelings, validate them and help you with your depression as well.  If your mother is unsupportive with even just hints of your gender issues, I don't think it would be a good idea for you (in a current state of depression) to come out to her and potentially have the negative backlash to deal with if she reacts badly - this will, IMHO, only exacerbate your depression. 

Right now you need support, and I think that a safe place to find that is in a counsellor/therapist/psychologist.

[GnomeKid]

I would just like to point out that what you're describing here does sound like symptoms of depression (and understandably so).  I would suggest that you seek out help - whether it's a counsellor, therapist or psychologist - for this depression.  This would be a good way to find someone who would objectively listen to your feelings, validate them and help you with your depression as well.  If your mother is unsupportive with even just hints of your gender issues, I don't think it would be a good idea for you (in a current state of depression) to come out to her and potentially have the negative backlash to deal with if she reacts badly - this will, IMHO, only exacerbate your depression. 

Right now you need support, and I think that a safe place to find that is in a counsellor/therapist/psychologist.

I was lucky enough never to experience this hermit-like condition (I am a homebody, but surprisingly was out and about a lot during early-transition.)  But what he says is true.  I completely understand that its easier to be yourself by yourself then around people who don't understand, or who don't recognize you for the man you are.  It is important, however, to overcome this, and know that it is possible to interact successfully with the outside world as a transman.  It may take time, and there is certainly nothing weird or wrong with you for having this reaction.  Recognizing that its something that needs to be overcome is important, but it may take someone on the outside to help to deal specifically with the issues you face. 

[HumanBeing]

Yes definitely! I as a MTF felt I could never have the courage to go out dressed as my true inner self. This went on for 40 years every day wanting to be me, but trying to use logic to keep it all inside me. I fought with myself all the time, every hour of every day. Then I got to the live or die moment. I contacted a Therapist and told my deepest, darkest secret ever. A few visits later I showed completely dressed and never looked back. I came home and purged "his" things instead of mine. All it took was one day dressed to see the world didn't end or some other disaster occur because I was finally me. I went full time the first day I dressed. After that it just seems normal now to dress and be myself. I cant help with the job part though. I was injured in the line of duty and retired. A lot of people here do not believe in Therapy, but it helped me more than anything. It allowed me to clear hurdles and chart a path on this journey we all take. If you do not have one please get one as they are the difference between successful transition and failure in my opinion.

Thank you for your reply That must have been a struggle through all those years but it's nice to know you can finally be you  I won't lie, for these 6 years [since I was 14] I have been way too scared to go and see anyone. My Mum did set up a couple appointments with doctors because she wasn't sure what was going on with me....but I just sat there mute and refused to say anything because I was embarrassed and scared etc.

[HumanBeing]

I use to shut my self away in my bedroom, and only go out when i really need to. I hated how everyone sees me as a "female". the only thing that kept me going was that i was looking forward to able to start being who i was when i moved out. I sleeped more and just been on internet or played on my xbox to kill time. I did get depressed now and then but i had to fight it.

I sent an email to my mum shortly after i moved out, i was worried she wont accept it, but she was very accepting which was odd for me as i did come out before and she just snapped at me saying it was only a phase.

Sounds like you'll just have to put up with it all till September, or find a way to talk your mum? By letter.

Coming on here has helped me a lot to get where i want to be, and you will get to where you want to be, just hang in there.

That's good, I'll probably do the same and just look forward to finally being me! It sounds so obvious doesn't it but I was in a state yesterday, it's only getting worse but I'll look forward to it That should make everything a little bit more bearable.

I don't want to punish myself or punish her by coming out now. I'll just leave that alone. Also she's had a lot of stress in her life so I don't even want to go there. She'd probably react even worse than if she had no stress I'm not sure. But I'll sort myself out and email her. I did have a typed up letter last time but ripped it up and threw it away when I didn't have the chance to give it to her [she found out before I could even do anything]. I know she's kept my 'lesbian' coming out email on her personal computer though...not sure why, but she has. I remember attaching photos of guys at the end of it saying I wanted to be like them, so was clearly in a state of confusion. I think in her head she thought that part of it was a phase or whatever...because she then proceeded to get me girly clothes..I was just like wtf...because I'd never, ever been interested in it and by her finding out she went to the other extreme with it. Was in complete denial about that part.

Thanks so much

[HumanBeing]

I never wanted to go or do anything for a few years. I ended up quitting my job and being a hermit in my room. I didn't know I was trans at the time. My mom really pissed me off and it only got better when I didn't live with her anymore. I moved to grandma's then opened up more, I got a job to pay for my surgery, I had figured I was trans shortly before moving and then took the steps and here I am today post op. The move was 2 years ago.

That sounds rough, sorry you went through that! Ah nice one. Things like that give me hope Thank you

[HumanBeing]

That's how I am right now. I don't like being seen as female by my family and friends and I'm afraid of being discovered in the public and embarrassed. I like to hide in my bedroom and play my PlayStation 3 or go on the internet and shy away from the world but I can't do this forever. Hopefully I can socially transition with my family soon.

Same, it's awful. I've never been so aware of my presence before...just hearing my name irritates me but I've not got long at the study place I'm at finish soon...It's hard socially as well because I have banter with the guys but it's still not quite the same because they're like...oh, sorry, I can't talk about that with you because you're female and it's rude...and I just want to scream! I thought about coming out after university [which I'm starting soon] but that will be way too long and I would have gone crazy by then.

[HumanBeing]

My dysphoria was so bad that I quit every job I had (because I couldn't transition and had to present as female) and ended up becoming a recluse for 10 years - living with my grandparents as a live-in carer in the middle of the backwoods.  I could not function in society, even as a facade, as a female.

I would just like to point out that what you're describing here does sound like symptoms of depression (and understandably so).  I would suggest that you seek out help - whether it's a counsellor, therapist or psychologist - for this depression.  This would be a good way to find someone who would objectively listen to your feelings, validate them and help you with your depression as well.  If your mother is unsupportive with even just hints of your gender issues, I don't think it would be a good idea for you (in a current state of depression) to come out to her and potentially have the negative backlash to deal with if she reacts badly - this will, IMHO, only exacerbate your depression. 

Right now you need support, and I think that a safe place to find that is in a counsellor/therapist/psychologist.

Wow man, that's deep. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah when I read it over a little while back I was thinking that and it sums up why I feel so bad to be honest so thank you for being honest with me. Yeah, that's why I won't come out, as much as I want to..at least when I've moved out nothing will actually matter, whether she chooses to eventually accept or not I won't be bothered. I'd miss her but not in a 'I'm going to cry about it' kind of way. I'd shrug my shoulders and move on because at least I'd be happy.

Thanks for your advice.

[rexyrex]

It's sounds like you got everything planned step by step is a good start. And ranting and getting help from us is good. You will work your way up.

[HumanBeing]

I use to shut my self away in my bedroom, and only go out when i really need to. I hated how everyone sees me as a "female". the only thing that kept me going was that i was looking forward to able to start being who i was when i moved out. I sleeped more and just been on internet or played on my xbox to kill time. I did get depressed now and then but i had to fight it.

I sent an email to my mum shortly after i moved out, i was worried she wont accept it, but she was very accepting which was odd for me as i did come out before and she just snapped at me saying it was only a phase.

Sounds like you'll just have to put up with it all till September, or find a way to talk your mum? By letter.

Coming on here has helped me a lot to get where i want to be, and you will get to where you want to be, just hang in there.

Hey man, quoting you again. In answer to your question I'm very much cool with it. I'd go and see someone now if I could but my mind isn't even in the right place right now. I was going to book an appointment actually but I'd rather deal with it all in one go in September. And yeah, I am. I'm 20; 21 in September

[HumanBeing]

It's sounds like you got everything planned step by step is a good start. And ranting and getting help from us is good. You will work your way up.

Thanks! I've seen this forum before but there is always a stage in life where you just think 'you know what I'm going to just get on with this and do it'.
The NHS take so damn long as well not sure I can put up with that so if I have to go private I will. Don't want to graduate and have the wrong names/gender on my passport, driving license, certificates etc that would be an absolute nightmare.
Another reason I want to move from this area is me knowing people down here and the one I do move to is closer to London anyway and easier to travel there if needs be. In a way I wish I had just pushed from the start then I'd be 'me' now. But none of this spilt milk nonsense. Just going to get on with it. You've been really helpful and I really appreciate the support from you and everyone else. It means a lot especially as I don't know anyone personally who is going through this and I haven't come out to any friends either yet.

[Ryan55]

yeah I feel your pain...I go through ups and downs of it, where I become depressed and don't want to do anything but stay in my room away from the world, it sucks because I want to be seen for how I see myself, but being pre T, a lot of times people still see you as female, even if your hair is short and you dress like a guy, and then its like ouch when you hear the word miss, or girl. Then it sucks when you go out with friends and in order to get a drink, you need to give your ID, which clearly states your legal name and gender and a picture of you from when you were like 17 so then the bartender or waiter looks at you and the license confused for a second and goes ok...yeah it sucks lol also sucks hearing your legal name too especially if its girlish as can be. The whole before transitioning and maybe even beginning transitioning stages can suck, but its always good to have some kind of support to make you feel better whether its friends, family or even online. I use to just play video games all the time (probly still do) because it lets me be that male persona that I feel I am, especially with rpg type games. Far as jobs go, i keep making excuses to not go on interviews or submit resumes because I hate interviews, since my gender and legal name are not changed yet, I know I have to go into some kind of girl mode for the interview, which just increases my dysphoria. So yes I keep telling myself I will seek out a job once I finish my last class in the summer and get my degree, which I know I should do something else with my time and get out of the house. It can just suck at times and sometimes you even feel ashamed telling a therapist cause I know I feel like a loser or failure cause I can't function in social events, I get awkward and anxiety almost, cause I'm not being seen as I want to be seen, most cases they think your a butch lesbian. Even some family events I been skipping out on cause I just don't want to deal with the anxiety. I think it is really common, and I'm hoping transitioning will help me become less anxious and have more confidence.

[HumanBeing]

yeah I feel your pain...I go through ups and downs of it, where I become depressed and don't want to do anything but stay in my room away from the world, it sucks because I want to be seen for how I see myself, but being pre T, a lot of times people still see you as female, even if your hair is short and you dress like a guy, and then its like ouch when you hear the word miss, or girl. Then it sucks when you go out with friends and in order to get a drink, you need to give your ID, which clearly states your legal name and gender and a picture of you from when you were like 17 so then the bartender or waiter looks at you and the license confused for a second and goes ok...yeah it sucks lol also sucks hearing your legal name too especially if its girlish as can be. The whole before transitioning and maybe even beginning transitioning stages can suck, but its always good to have some kind of support to make you feel better whether its friends, family or even online. I use to just play video games all the time (probly still do) because it lets me be that male persona that I feel I am, especially with rpg type games. Far as jobs go, i keep making excuses to not go on interviews or submit resumes because I hate interviews, since my gender and legal name are not changed yet, I know I have to go into some kind of girl mode for the interview, which just increases my dysphoria. So yes I keep telling myself I will seek out a job once I finish my last class in the summer and get my degree, which I know I should do something else with my time and get out of the house. It can just suck at times and sometimes you even feel ashamed telling a therapist cause I know I feel like a loser or failure cause I can't function in social events, I get awkward and anxiety almost, cause I'm not being seen as I want to be seen, most cases they think your a butch lesbian. Even some family events I been skipping out on cause I just don't want to deal with the anxiety. I think it is really common, and I'm hoping transitioning will help me become less anxious and have more confidence.

Yeah exactly! What is up with that. I have been asked so many times recently by ignorant people 'are you a girl or a boy' I've been asked that so many times in my life. I have a masculine face anyway, once I start smiling or laughing people think okay..that can't even be a young guy because this person looks old and in the way they carry themselves etc. I will go crazy the next time someone calls me 'madam' or 'young lady'.

This is funny...recently the shopping came and you've got to be over 18 to collect and sign for it. Guy must have thought I was a young guy because he was like 'are your parents home?' which to be honest annoyed me. Then I had to go and get my ID out and show him which as you say is just awful.

I don't drink, unless it's like special occasion or whatever just personal preference but when to a few nightclubs with mates before and I always get ID'd. Once the bouncer laughed at the photo and I just thought you know what...it's not even funny. My photo looks like a young guy but he saw my name and must have thought...oh...okay.

Yep! My name is just not on.Wouldn't even mind if I had a unisex name like Sam/Jay/Tony but no..haha. If I was a girl then yeah my name would be pretty nice.

One of my proudest moments was college enrollment and there was a bunch of guys left in the room...including me. The teacher was calling out names...muttered mine..like 'oh, she's not here.' Unfortunately at that point I had to speak up and put up my hand to let them know it was me.

I don't know about you but as a straight guy when I see women or men ... just people in general I feel uncomfortable. I love women so I want them to view me as a guy, and want the guys to see me as 'one of them' for lack of a better phrase. I get so envious when couples come into the store. Or if a woman comes in, especially if she's attractive my mind goes into overdrive. Start thinking oh no I hate how she views me as a woman etc. Or guys come in like 'thanks love' and it's like NOOO don't say that to me! Then the customers who come in making male jokes with me like I'm supposed to find it funny.

I know what you mean about interviews believe me! For the job I'm in now I wore a female suit and felt so self conscious I literally ran to interview and ran back. Felt so uncomfortable it was unreal. Even during my 5 hour induction wanted to go home so bad and change.
It's just too much it just exacerbates the dysphoria doesn't it?

Same with the games! With xbox I create male characters etc and it's just a way to escape reality. I've had an account on a gaming website for ages but the username is part of my first name and my initials so I'm literally going to make a new one and start again [When I figure out a name for myself].

How's it going for you being trans and at university? It's something I will be facing soon. Everyone thinks I'm a butch lesbian too! Most annoying thing ever man. I want to date too and I really won't do it because I can't be seen like this. Had a profile on a lesbian site a couple years ago which I deleted within a week - wasn't right.

It's more common than I thought it would be! I hope that's how it turns out for both of us - living like this doesn't feel right.

Sorry this is sooo long! 

[Ryan55]

The university thing is actually not bad. They usually have lbgt groups on campus that you can be a part of, not many trans though at mine, but still better than nothing. Your freshmen year, well at my college, if you live on campus, they put you with other females cause if your legal stuff says female they group you together, but after that you can live with guys and girls in the same dorm long as everyone consents to it. Freshmen year you usually share a female bathroom with all the girls on your floor and guys share with theirs, I used the girl one my freshmen year just cause I thought it would be easier, since I am Pre T and don't need the RA writing me up for using the guys room lol but after your freshmen year it gets a lot easier, you basically share a bathroom with whoever your living with guys or girls so its pretty gender neutral. I found living at college, better than at home, wasn't as depressed. In the classes it sucks cause yeah they use your legal name, but some professors will ask what you like to be called, so you can tell them your male name, which works well. If you have any other questions, feel free to message me and I'll help anytime I can.

[HumanBeing]

Thanks. I'm in the UK so I know it will be slightly different and it depends on who you get grouped with etc. Were your roommates/flatmates okay with it? [If you came out to them]. That's another thing I was looking up about the university's making sure they have a group of some sort. Most, if not, all have one.

I don't care what others think ..to an extent.. but I just want to be in a safe environment that is all. Somewhere I can start fresh.

[Whynaut]

A lot of the universities in my area have supportive LGBTQ centers that are worth talking to. In fact, you can disclose your transgender status to them and they will often let your professors know about your preferred name and pronouns so you don't go through the awkward birth name attendance issue. If you are introduced or introduce yourself with a masculine name and presentation, most of the time your classmates just roll with it and treat you as male.

I definitely feel you on the awkward depression front. Luckily, I am so insanely busy with grad school I don't have time to mope around my flat. I've found that having supportive friends is so helpful on the social front. When I go out alone I feel awkward, like everyone is staring at me. When I go out with supportive friends I feel much more comfortable.

Video games are always a great escape. I have been hitting Skyrim again recently. Great world to get lost in.