Having a Hard Time Crossing the Mental Barrier of Going Full-Time

[MariaMx]

Well, kind of. You're right, right now I basically am trying to be female full-time, and be recognized as such. I'm tucking full-time, wearing a bra full-time, and trying to use a female voice and mannerisms full-time. But to me going full-time, making the official legal switch, officially changes the gender-presentation thing from just being a way of expressing my femaleness to the world, into being a world of constant pressure where those feminine behaviors are now an expectation, and I'd constantly have to prove my femaleness to the world in order to be accepted as a girl, rather than it still being okay to be a bit genderqueer presentation-wise because I'm still using the bathrooms and private areas and social circles and whatnot of my birth sex. That's the big difference, is that I'd basically be taking my big 6'2" 230-lb body with some very masculine facial features, and expecting women to be totally okay with me using the same private areas as them, and accepted as one of them. And that admittedly makes me really scared. And I'm sure that's where some of the doubt is coming from, is that feeling of "ME? Socially accepted as female? With THIS body?" and feeling inadequate, which makes me feel like an outsider intruding who doesn't belong there, even though it's what I want.

Well, seeing is believing. I think you'll have to have experiences as a woman to feel legit. At least that's how it was for me. This is really a boot strap problem. The first time I walked out my door wearing makeup I made it about 100 meters down the street before I ran back home and hid inside. For me the solution was to make small increments and get used to each one before moving on to the next. It is amazing how quickly one gets used to things once going through with them. At some point though you will have to make it official if you are to get what you want, if this is what you really want I mean.

I understand how you feel though. Transitioning is the toughest act in the business and I felt like you do for quiet some time. In hindsight the theme of my transition seem to have been all about doing things I was scared to do or didn't want to do. What I think made it easier for me was that I had already completely bottomed out and I felt like I had nothing more to lose. Sure I was scared, but it just didn't seem to matter much as I felt my life was already over.

[FrancisAnn]

I know your pain GF. I've been there several times.

I think the date plan is good. Just set the date then do it. No looking back, no choice but just enjoy being yourself. Each day should be easier & more comfortable.

If you have any "male" clothes or things just give them to Goodwill. I did that & it felt great.

Good luck.

[Carrie Liz]

Just an update:

The mental barrier has been crossed.

Basically, the issue ended up being that I was still presenting as male at work. So even though I didn't like that presentation, it was still the "default" self that I saw in my head, because it's the self that I interacted with the world as. So male genderings and being treated like a guy were the default, while female genderings and being treated like a girl were like a special treat that I maybe got once a day if I was lucky.

About a week ago, though, I was fired from my job. And as much as that sucked, it allowed me to play around with this "default" presentation. I played around with my hair style, and finally discovered a wigless presentation that people read as female by default... with my hair tucked back into a ponytail, and wearing a feminine pair of dangly earrings. With that, I'd finally found a definitive "girl mode" that took no more effort than my "guy mode," and because it didn't involve a wig, I felt like it was WAY more incognito, and therefore didn't make me stand out as much. Basically, I was completely comfortable as this self. And this self was still being gendered female pretty much 100% of the time.

I started dressing up as this self every single time I went out, and before you know it, just like that, my default mental state re-wrote itself so that now the self that I was seeing in my head was this ponytailed female self.

And I started thinking of changing my name, not because of it being some grand event that officially changes my life forever, but rather just because every single time I'm having to tell store clerks that I have a male name, they give me a funny look. And the gender marker change, again, isn't the act that's asserting my femaleness, it's just to match my legal status with how the world perceives me. Basically, the key was to quit viewing transition as this scary distant thing that would turn me into a girl forever, but rather to start seeing it as something that just legally recognizes what I already am and what the world already perceives me as, and the self that I always appear as anyway.

So yeah... that was the key. Just finding a "girl mode" that I was comfortable with, and that I started being comfortable seeing as being "me." When I started this topic originally, I didn't have that. I just had a "girl mode" with a wig that always made me nervous when I went out because I was afraid I stood out too much, and a wigless presentation that got gendered female maybe about half of the time. So I didn't feel like my "girl mode" was actually me, I just felt like it was a way that I dressed up now and then. Where now it's not. It's just who I always interact with the world as, who I'm comfortable as, and the legal proceedings are basically just a technicality.

[FrancisAnn]

Maybe changing jobs should/will be great. You can now find something that is more interesting for you. More normal & feminine.

Good for you girl friend.

[Carrie Liz]

Hey, come on, being a poker dealer is a totally normal "feminine" job.

In all seriousness, I actually loved my job. I just didn't like having to go there as a guy every day.

I do want to finish my teaching degree one of these days, I just need money to afford going back to school first.

[stephaniec]

congratulations on your presentation

[FrancisAnn]

Hey, come on, being a poker dealer is a totally normal "feminine" job.

In all seriousness, I actually loved my job. I just didn't like having to go there as a guy every day.

I do want to finish my teaching degree one of these days, I just need money to afford going back to school first.

You are going to do fine. A poker dealer, how cool. Maybe just a new place & the same job as a normal woman.

[Eva Marie]

I know that I am late to this thread, and that Carrie has flattened yet another obstacle to her transition (Yay!!!), but this topic hits close to home for me and I'd like to put my .02 in.

I too have had the same feelings of not "feeling" like a woman, of "feeling" like a guy impersonating a woman, and of somehow not being authentic.

I have examined myself and the feelings and thoughts just as Carrie did. As a result I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am female and there is no going back, so that issue is settled. Knowing this is important because it's the fact I fall back on when the going gets rough.

Some questions I ask myself whenever these feelings of inadequacy crop up:

1. What does "feeling like a woman" mean to me? Do I expect a sign or something to appear now that I'm going through my transition?
2. What thoughts and feelings am I expecting to have happen?
3. Do I think that other women have these same thoughts and feelings as they go through their lives, or do they just go through them without a single thought about who they are?

So...... maybe as a woman I should quit worrying about this stuff, because I know who I am - I do belong on the other side of that bridge with the women.

Once I start thinking through those questions I realize that there will be no burning bush or bright light in the sky to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. What tells me that is the knowledge of who I am, and every time I start to doubt I simply remember who I am.

[Carrie Liz]

...and I guess what finally got my mind changed was when I realized, as a girl, I function as a human being. I'm not constantly fighting against my reflection. I even feel good about myself more often than not. Where there is never a time that I look in the mirror and see myself as male that I'm happy. And medically, there's no doubting that I was meant to have female hormones. That hasn't been in question since day one. My feeling of "rightness" in my head skyrocketed instantly. So really, the rest is just technicalities. I know that my body's sex was meant to be female, and therefore nobody has the right to tell me otherwise.

That's really what was scaring me, is just the social aspects of it... being afraid I wouldn't fit in, afraid of others treating me badly, and feeling inadequate compared to cis-women. Etc.

The magical mindset was when I realized, "right now, I am a girl, and I'm happy with myself." I could never say that simple phrase as a guy.

[Lady_Oracle]

For me what got me over my personal barrier was the voice! Once I had that, I was full time from then on.

Also Congrats Carrie Liz!!! 

[Allyda]

Hi Carrie, In my situation I had a bout of sort of the same thing 5 years ago when I went full time. I litterally had to because even before hrt I just couldn't pass for male anymore no matter how hard I tried. Sure I had my doubts especially since I hadn't started hrt yet. Then I sat down and took stock of my present situation at the time: I no longer had, or wore any male clothes, I was getting downright evil looks if I used a mens rest room, I'm always being gendered as "she," "mam," "Ms.," and the only time I ever got "sirr'ed" was over the phone, but out in public my lower than usual voice for a female was getting overlooked. -Sound familiar? Therefore basically as I sat there and thought I had came to the conclusion that the public's reaction toward me had made the decision for me -it was time to try living full time. Yes I had doubts then, heck I still do but I've never looked back, and now that I've started hrt I've never been happier. I'm also alot older so surely I'm not as passable as you are. Someone else posted baby steps. This might also be a good idea for you. You know, try a few shopping trips, etc., but in our eyes you look ready girl.