Sorry for the late reply, but I do need to respond to the feeling like a freak or that something is wrong with you. There is something wrong with us, we have gender dysphoria and in various ways and degrees. It doesn't mean we are wrong, or wrong for feeling the way we do, it is just what it is. Yet I know what you mean, for years I stuffed myself back into my depressed little life whenever the thoughts crept up by saying I am wrong. I was closeted enough from myself that is was seemingly harmless to do that, and returning to a life of slow and steady self destruction and buying of time till I get to die and try this all again as a female (because I am so sure if I get to return again, I will not be forced to be in a male a body again. I have asked God that but I don't have it in writing hehe so I could come back, but EEK! What if I have to do this all over again as a male? OMG I just thought of this... Though I do trust God and believe whatever happens with me after this life I will be taken care of, and like I feel God is still guiding me as I go through this, God will guide and educate me after this life as well.)
None the less, I thought I was crazy but finally came out to myself and got confirmation from nearly everyone I consulted (except for dad who thinks varying degrees of crazy are involved, and mom is on the fence with one foot close to the crazy grass) including professionals that I am thankfully not crazy for thinking I am transsexual. However, and I have shared this with my therapist, I do wonder if I am crazy to think that though I am certain I am transsexual I am out of my mind to think I can transition. With my age, body type, male habits burned in, a voice that booms and sounds like a bears, not to mention a penis, what the hell am I really thinking here?
But then, and this was before I just realized the next life is not even promised to be let alone it be as a female, I remember what my son told me. YOLO, you only live once. His point was not even about if we do or do not return ever, it was about this one and current life. Also, what another transsexual said, which is we are not doing this for what others think of us or how we look to them, we do this for us. To safe ourselves, our lives, our minds, our spirits.
So yes, like you I struggle with negative thoughts still, but struggle I do and I do not give up. As I don't know where this journey ends or even if it ever does. I just know I am working on discovering the real me, to be comfortable with what I feel right with, not what a religion, a ideology, or people who can't even begin to fathom what gender dysphoria is like. I wonder if a man can more than speculate what a woman thinks and feels like, and I wonder if a woman can more than speculate what a man thinks and feels life, and then I wonder why I speculate about both feeling like I fit in neither because my mind and spirit have always been so restless and unhappy stuffed in a body physically a gender I have coped with but never felt cohesive with.
