Old man goes crazy .........

[Tony2Toni]

I recently found this site and
I thought It might help to write down what's happened to me over the last few months .. and maybe someone else can identify with it.. or find it amusing ..

My story starts ..
I'm a 62 year old 'man?' living at home with my 3 grown up children and ex-wife..
In May of last year I went to my doctor to see if he could help me with the varicose veins I have in my legs.. and he suggested I try support stockings.....
I was a bit apprehensive about it, men in stockings Yukk!!  but reluctantly thought.. I'd give them a try.

Anyway.. although pleasantly surprised at how they gave such relief to my legs..  I was 'shocked at how much I loved wearing them'.. I mean loved it .. but I felt like a pervert wearing stockings under his trousers.. and what if my kids caught a glimpse somehow....? I was so confused...
Then when searching ebay for a 'manly' suspender/garter belt ( If there is such a thing ) to hold them up, I glanced upon a pink polka dot one..  that's nice I thought.. but thought don't be crazy you can't wear that .. it's girls stuff are you a poof??.
But I like it... Why can't I wear it? ........  WHY NOT.

That was one of those eureka moments.. and It changed me completely ..Once I'd crossed that boundery there was no stopping me ..and in these last 8 months I've never felt happier, relaxed or contented and in tune with everything.. I wear female clothes and wigs all the time now..   and it feels so natural..
I used to be an angry man.. I liked to drink too much.. but I never touch it now.. feel I don't need it or want it  (and that's not a conscious decision I've taken)   I just don't know why this has happened to me so late in my life  ..?
I was always negative about everything.. now everything seems fun and exciting.

To break it to my family I only told my eldest daughter..  "dads going to explore his feminine side,so he might be a bit more weird then usual" (I knew she'd tell everyone else) now my family seem to except me like I am,(though no one says anything) and I'm comfortable in front of them .. I think they think it's some sort of midlife crisis ..and will pass .. I know it won't ..
I used to pass a mirror and think to myself "my god what is that?"I hated how I looked.. now I look and say "Yesss"

It's not a cross dressing thing.. I don't pose and look at myself in underwear and high heels etc.. and I'm not attracted to men.. in fact sex doesn't seem to interest me much anymore ..
I think I identify with (but don't look like) a 'Audrey Hepburn,Felicity Kendal, type of women' feminine and gentle..I am small built and I often pass for a woman..I love it when a stranger calls me 'madam' (unfortunately I give it away when I speak)..
Anyway that's basically my story for now..
I think the doctor, by telling me to wear stockings he somehow legitimised it in my mind and I could now do what has been unconsciously at the back of my mind all my life..well that's my theory..
Weird thing is .. this flies in the face of everything I've always believed ..

I will add to this story a bit at a time.. how I went through the changes I've made to myself.. wigs, facial hair removal etc ..
please  comment I'd love to know others out there are interested or even similar..

Toni ..

[JamesG]

Better late than never!

I bet:

I'm a 62 year old 'man?' living at home with my 3 grown up children and ex-wife..

is interesting at times.  Sounds like the basis for a sit-com! lol.

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome to the family Toni! First it is not out of the ordinary to get these feelings late in life. In fact it is sort of common as us older people grew up in a totally different atmosphere than the younger ones here. What we felt and how we were raised is so different from now. When I was growing up thoughts and feelings like our were something you never talked about or you could get killed, run out of town or even been affected with banking and utility snubs. There was no internet where we could find acceptance and had to feel alone in all of it. Coming from a small town and not being allowed to shop online and in an intolerant world meant taking your life in your own hands if you ever tried to walk into a store and buy anything even hinting at femininity. After 15 postings please feel free to use the PM feature if I can ever help you answer questions or just talk about your new life.

[Tony2Toni]

A big warm welcome to the family Toni! First it is not out of the ordinary to get these feelings late in life. In fact it is sort of common as us older people grew up in a totally different atmosphere than the younger ones here. What we felt and how we were raised is so different from now. When I was growing up thoughts and feelings like our were something you never talked about or you could get killed, run out of town or even been affected with banking and utility snubs. There was no internet where we could find acceptance and had to feel alone in all of it. Coming from a small town and not being allowed to shop online and in an intolerant world meant taking your life in your own hands if you ever tried to walk into a store and buy anything even hinting at femininity. After 15 postings please feel free to use the PM feature if I can ever help you answer questions or just talk about your new life.

Thanks very much for your warm welcome Jessica ..
Your so right about the difference in our upbringing compared with today..
Until 1967 homosexuality was illegal here in the UK, (they locked you up in prison..)  God only knows what they would have made of TG's ..
I look forward to PM you in the future ..
Feels really good to have others to talk to about this stuff .. Toni ..

[Tony2Toni]

Better late than never!

I bet:
is interesting at times.  Sounds like the basis for a sit-com! lol.

It can be a bit weird with me and the ex-wife .. sometimes

[Lauren5]

You sound somewhat like me, in terms of your male persona. The "angry gent" kinda thing. I never knew how to act male so I drew on stereotypes, so I often was angry, aggressive, and overall an ->-bleeped-<-. I didn't like it. But it's what I had to do to fit in. Perhaps that was what you were doing without realising it all those years.

[ErinWDK]

Your title "Old Man goes Crazy" drew my attention.  I, too, am a "seasoned citizen" and am just starting along my path to where ever it may lead.  The genie is out of the bottle!

Welcome to the family here!  You will find others whose life path is similar to yours, you are not alone!

[Tony2Toni]

Thanks Lauren and Erin for your kind comments..
I thought I was some kind of freak changing at my old age..
I thought it was a young persons thing .. as they go through puberty they take one path or the other ..

It's gives me a lovely warm feeling to know I'm not alone.. that there are others my age who think like me ..
I am looking forward to my new life tremendously.. though I still feel I'm going to wake up one morning and think "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING" .. but I never waver it just gets better ..

I've got a lot of rambling on to do .. many years of bottled up stuff .. I hope you bear with me ..

Toni ..

[Lauren5]

I don't think it's terribly uncommon for people to transition at your age, if that's what you choose to do. The mean age I tend to notice is early 40's. Don't worry about the one or the other puberty thing. It's EXTREMELY rare for someone who has not/is undergoing puberty to transition. So for most of us, the damage has been done physically, but not to our minds. What we think about, our aspirations, sometimes even our values change through life. But bot who we are. That stays with us.
I myself thought I was a freak just to think about it at all, even at ages young as 14, when I first discovered the word transgender, and that it applied to me.

[Tony2Toni]

You sound somewhat like me, in terms of your male persona. The "angry gent" kinda thing. I never knew how to act male so I drew on stereotypes, so I often was angry, aggressive, and overall an ->-bleeped-<-. I didn't like it. But it's what I had to do to fit in. Perhaps that was what you were doing without realising it all those years.

I feel the anger thing was as you said 'trying to fit in and not wanting to' .  the whole dating thing was a nightmare to me   .. I loved women ..   I loved to look at women ( a bit too much).. but I never wanted to go out and meet them chat them up .. I hated it ..
But I did it.. cos I had to.. and married 2 times ... Possibly because I knew my mother wanted grand children .. and I didn't want to let her down.. Don't get me wrong I love all my children dearly.. they're the best thing to happen to me ..
I look at my old photos now .I always had a frown or worried look on my face, in all of them . now never .. I look contented or happy .. that must say a lot ..  Toni ..

[Bombadil]

I'm 43 and completely understand what you are saying about no turning back. In another post I described as someone flipping a switch. It makes a lot of sense it needed to be legitimized in your mind.

Anyway, welcome!

[Veronica M]

Welcome Toni... I to was drawn to your post title also as I have felt that way myself... Our circumstances are a little different as I have liked men over women my entire life but was to afraid to actually come out till now. But I am 56 years old and have just started this adventure so your by no means alone here. So again welcome.

[Davina]

There are more seniors going through this than you can imagine Toni.  In my case I was in my late sixties
and had just retired when the feelings  I had been able to suppress for decades suddenly intensified many fold.   It was like a dam bursting and all those years of repressed emotions came flooding out and nearly overwhelmed me.
I had such a compulsion to emasculate myself that it scared me and caused me to think I was going crazy.
I was much like you in that  I was an angry, miserable person for most of my life and I didn't know why.  To combat the transsexual feelings I tried to be what  is referred to as a macho man.  I was over 6 ft tall and 230 pounds and pumped iron and worked out  to prove to myself  I was a real  man and not the feminine person I felt inside.  Of course  that didn't work so I turned to booze and drank like a fish to bury those feelings.  None of that worked and it wasn't until I  finally accepted my true inner self and with the help of my wife of 45 years began dealing with the
transsexual dysphoria that was causing my life to be a living hell that my life improved.  Now things have never been so
good for both myself and my wife.  She tells me she has never seen me so happy and I am so much nicer to live with.
Toni it's unfortunate we both grew up in the era of darkness as far as transsexualism is concerned.  It was a taboo
subject back then and I remember feeling so ashamed and guilty of the transsexual feelings that wouldn't leave me
alone no matter how hard I tried to push them away.  Our generation truly suffered with the condition and many of
us are probably not here today because they couldn't endure the pain any longer.  Thankfully the younger generations
will never have to deal with that.  Anyway, congratulations on your coming out and finding your true self.

[justjournalhonestly]

  Loved the post and love your name, reminds me of someone I think I know... 

I just eureka'd recently myself, and my denial was off and on for four decades. I somehow avoided cross dressing all that time, but now that I too have tried on a cami and yoga pants, I have added slowly to my wardrobe some pajama stuff for at night and relaxing and sleeping in. As well as some clothes for working from home in, the few days a month I work from home. Then some stockings and nylons to wear as I learn to walk in my practice heels. I have only tinkered with my makeup once (last weekend) not due to reluctance, just time and that I think I would benefit from a makeup mentor LOL. As I get side tracked, I realize what I mean to say is...

HELLO! And welcome to the neighborhood. Funny story, I do not live with my ex-wife but we are friends and my two adult children and their spouses (one is technically a fiance still) all support me and were not shocked ("dad, you were always a bit odd and different from other dads, we just did not realize what it was.") The ex even feels things about our relationship's history make a hell of a lot more sense now, so my coming out may have been more helpful for her even, LOL.

I'm still struggling a bit, just went back to work at a new job and thinking about transitioning and over analyzing it before I even have to is whacking me out a hair. I kind of wish I was your age and retired to do more in private when I get to the awkward stages. But then again I wish I started younger, each decade earlier has it's advantages (disadvantages too, most notably for how society was towards TGs when I was those ages) but more importantly wish I was simply born in a female body.

So do not be a stranger here, enjoy some chit chat, and share your experiences. I love lurking again more than posting, part due to time lately, and part as I am kind of stuck in my head again. I am kind of buying so time to get through my daughter's wedding as full fledged dad (late fall.) Not that she demands or expects it, it is my choice, to set sail on the dad thing, as the reason I stayed a male all these years is I was stuck being a pops at high school and the respondibility needed to be serverd and I was in deep enough denial and acted so well it just made sense to do stick out the dad thing from front to end. Though once I was living alone I began to slowly wake up to me again, took a couple years to percolate all the way to coming out to me finally.

So I understand your mystery, why so sudden? Well in my case, maybe not so sudden, as I always knew just muted it or hid from it. What is sudden though, is once I admitted it was real, is my mental metamorphosis (even if I struggle on occasion with thoughts of how am I going to pull this off?)

Anyways, you are further along than me as are most here, so I look forward to reading more about experiences.

Your new pal,
Toni (I originally used Tony(i) as my signature for a couple of weeks, hehe! We really lucked out on our name, I do think it is cute for a girl, like it was semi helpful as tough for a boys name. Or so I've been told. )

[Davina]

Hi Toni.  You have started on quite a journey and there are going to be many ups and downs but if you are like
most it is something you just have to do.  The female inside can only be denied for so long before you reach the
breaking point.  I've heard it described as "hitting the wall" or your "bell rings".  Anyway when that happens there
is only one road to travel and that is forward otherwise the dysphoria can pretty well incapacitate you.  I belong
to a group of older online transsexuals.  I believe most of us are seniors and we post back and forth telling as much
about our stories as we wish.  I'm sure you find  good information there and probably meet some people that you
can relate to however you must request to join as it is a closed group.  The email address is below.  Best wishes,
Davina.
   eldertg@groups.onlinepolicy.net

[Tony2Toni]

Veronica ..Tomboy .. Davina .. Toni ..
Thank you all for the kind support .......

It's seems we all have many similararities in our stories .. to know there are so many like minded people is very uplifting ..
I'm still coming to terms with the new me but  I'm more relaxed by the day.. It's the little things that boost your confidence .. like this morning ..

this morning my eldest daughter had ordered an Asda's delivery (walmarts) and asked me to receive it as she wouldn't be in ..
I answered the door to the young delivery man .. and even though I was talking with him face to face for a few minuts he continally called me 'Mamm' right up to when he left ..,he even offered to unpack the groceries for me.!  normally I give myself away when I speak .. so must be getting better ......

another one .. the other day
Went to the doctors to pick up my and my ex-wifes repeat prescriptions ..
The waiting room was full as usual.. but I walked up to the receptionist and said "pick up prescriptions for Mr and Mrs -------" she went though the pile handing me one she said "there's Mr's .. but I can't see yours , oh there it is Mrs -------" I said thank you  and left the surgery with a big smile on my face ..

Probabbly not a big deal but I just Wanted to share  with everyone ..

Toni ..

[Tony2Toni]

[

Loved the post and love your name, reminds me of someone I think I know...  ("dad, you were always a bit odd and different from other dads, we just did not realize what it was.") The ex even feels things about our relationship's history make a hell of a lot more sense now, so my coming out may have been more helpful for her even, LOL.

Hi Toni ..  This sounds so like someone I know .... Unfortunately my ex dosen't talk about it like yours .. (but thereagain she dosen't talk to me much in general anyway)..
Thanks Toni for the lovely message .. funny you got the pyjamas.. that was the first thing I got.. with duvet and pillow cases ..all pink
I know I am very lucky being retired so I don't have to do things like go out to work and conform.. that would have been 'not on' as I was doing a very manual (manly) job.. Another benefit for me is my size .. being short was ( is) a dissadvantage for a man .. but the opposite for a female ..
The more I think about it .. It's like my whole life has been leading up to this point .. It really feels sometimes like I'm following a preditermined course .. foreinstance before that trip to my doctors (with the stocking thing) I went on a diet even though I didn't need to .. and I got down to 126lbs and I've stayed there ..so it's easy to wear female clothes .. like now I'm 'ready' to start my new journey (not a concious decision.) and my mannerisms were changing 'limp wrist jesturing' I noticed myself doing subconciously .. "what are you standing like that for you tart??" I'd ask myself ..
This is sounding very self absorbed .. but I think it's beneficial for me to get it out .. also might help others ..

Toni .. (new pal)

[Tony2Toni]

  I belong
to a group of older online transsexuals.  I believe most of us are seniors and we post back and forth telling as much
about our stories as we wish.  I'm sure you find  good information there and probably meet some people that you
can relate to however you must request to join as it is a closed group.  The email address is below.  Best wishes,
Davina.
   eldertg@groups.onlinepolicy.net

Hi Davina,
Thanks for the info on the group.. sounds like something I'd be very interested in ..
I've applied to join so hopefully I'll get in ..
Thanks again ... Toni ..

[HelenW]

I started my transition when I was 50.  A former administrator started hers when she was in her 60's.  It doesn't matter much when you hit the wall, I think, you do what you have to do when the schtuff hits the fan.

ElderTG is a group I was part of for awhile.  It's a good group, I left because I was unable to participate as much as I wanted to because of work.  Transitioning when you're over 50 has some unique challenges, if that's the way you want to go, Toni, but there are some advantages as well.  Don't let your age stop you.

[gennee]

Welcome to Susan's, Toni. I came out as transgender nearly nine years ago at age fifty-six (I'm 65 now).
Never been happier.