Going at a 100 miles up and down

[Bombadil]

I'm sorry to be posting again. Tell me if I get annoying I'm just wondering if this is normal or... I don't know.

It's not like I've discovered feelings I've never had before. I've never felt female. At 11 (long time ago!) I heard about "sex change operations" and I seriously considered it. So now, 32 years later, all of a sudden it's time to make a change. And I sort of understand why I'm ready now but it's so strange. In some ways it's like someone flipped a switch in my brain. It's like now that I've decided to be true to who I am I am goign 100 miles an hour. I'm totally preoccupied by this and want to move ahead so fast. I want to throw away all my "girl" clothes. I want to experiment and figure out where exactly on the spectrum I fit. I'm telling people about it (so far so good) and in some ways it's freaking awesome. I am so, so excited to change my name. I'm thrilled I'm getting clothes I like.

But then, today, after putting on my new pants (men's pants) and my new binder, my mood totally crashed. It seems sort of stupid. I've lived with my body being female forever and now, when I can make changes instead of being happy I'm down in the dumps about it not being good enough. I can't get my chest flat enough. I'm too short. I have a girls face. Blah blah blah. A few hours ago I was thrilled. What the $#%@?

Is this part of the process? Am I going insane?

And I know someone will probably ask. I have a therapist. She specializes in PTSD and I really need that support. She is very open and accepting but she doesn't specialize in gender issues.

[alena]

Hi tomboy,

Don't worry, it's all part of the process. I'm the opposite in that I've never felt entirely male and have managed to surpress my feelings in the past. Then one day a switch was turned on and it doesn't want to switch off. I have good days and bad days when I look in the mirror. But I also think we are always the harshest critic of ourselves. The whole process that we go through is a long one but I find it much easier to talk to someone who understands whether it be a good therapist or a friend.

Alena x

[Alyssa L.]

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[Nero]

When you first find out there is an answer to this, it is exciting! But your body doesn't 'fit' yet and when faced with the current reality, it can be discouraging. It's normal. Just hang in there. We'll be here. 

[Bombadil]

thank you all

I've got one more question. how common are eating disorders here? Anyone walk this journey while not being fully recovered from an eating disorder?

[Nero]

thank you all

I've got one more question. how common are eating disorders here? Anyone walk this journey while not being fully recovered from an eating disorder?

Probably pretty common. I've got some food issues.

[Alyssa L.]

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[Bombadil]

Thanks FA and AlyssaL.

... so, since I already started this thread I thought I'd share.  Last week I sent my therapist a long email talking about being trans and sharing a lot that's been going on in my head. Today I had a two hour session with her. She was awesome. She said it makes so much sense and she totally supports me what I'm doing. She reminded me how she jokes around about being like a 15 year old boy and that part of why she does that is because I've never really presented as female to her. She just totally understood and and was really positive and talked about her experience and knowledge around these issues.

And I told her right now how it feels like I'm going 100 miles an hour and it's all I can think about and she says that makes sense and will settle down with time. And ... I told her how it's triggering eating disorder thoughts and I was worried she'd freak about that given I've been pretty ill with it in the past but instead she's talking about how if I can actually be who I am I may not need the eating disorder anymore.

way way cool

[Alyssa L.]

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[Bombadil]

Good for you Tomboy!

I think therapy is a very important first step. We tend to bottle up our thought and feelings to the point where even we don't really know what we want or think.

Lots of Love,
Alyssa

well if I bottled up, the cork is off the bottle and I'm spewing like mad. when I first came here, I thought I'd be ok being androgynous but the more I read and think and dress how I want and wear the binder the more it seems like I really do want to be male. But then my brain gets stuck on the fact I'm only 5ft 2. I know size doesn't make you a guy or not but I guess the idea of trying to be a guy and not passing is worse?

And for the first time in my life, things are actually ok. truly ok. I didn't even know that was possible. So why would I want to go and screw it all up? except it doesn't really feel like want. And last week I wanted everything to go faster and now I need it to slow down.

And and and a million other thigns rushing through my head.
I wasn't going to be able to see my therapist but she's squeezing me in tomorrow. She's being so amazingly awesome

this has been a slightly idiotic rant, we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming

[Jessica Merriman]

I'm sorry to be posting again. Tell me if I get annoying I'm just wondering if this is normal or... I don't know.

Is this part of the process? Am I going insane?

First, we are here to answer any questions you have so please don't think you are annoying anyone. Ask away!

Second, You are not going insane at all. My switch clicked at 45 when I started to pursue transition. At first you want everything right away and that is normal. The reality is that transition is a long journey, so prepare yourself. It can be a very long journey sometimes and you just have to remember to relax. I wanted everything overnight then I remembered as a MTF that cis girls develop over a ten year or so period to maturity. This realization led me to relax and enjoy it a little slower. It is an exciting time in your life and believe it or not you will get to your goal.