This may sound kind of weird

[Miss_Bungle1991]

I was sitting around watching a couple episodes of Tenchi Universe. I know this sounds really strange, but while watching these episodes in particular:"No Need for Carnivals" & "No Need for a Ghost", I started thinking about something. Just, the whole idea of girlhood and how I totally missed out on that and I felt sad.

I don't know...maybe even if I had been born a genetic female, things would have still been screwed up. I may have still been totally socially awkward but maybe not.  But then again, even if I wasn't, I still may have dealt with the same problems when I moved outside of town and had to change schools. But the only plus that could have came out of that would have been that I wouldn't have the same issues back then as I did in the past since there was only 3 other girls in the neighborhood and none of them would have been any trouble (in contrast to the crap I had to put up with all of the damn bullies in the neighborhood). But then I start to think about high school and how I could of actually made some friends if I had been born in the right body and not had all of that other crap to deal with since I had to deal with the same damn bullies for several years. Chances are, if I was a GG, that would have not been the case.

The thing is...it's just, when I look back on my early past, pretty everything about it sucks due to the gender issues. Yeah, I had some things to take my mind off of it, like music, drugs (which I never would have done if it wasn't for GID in the first place). But it's just depressing to think about my life and how all of those early years were pretty much crap. Yeah, even if they had been great it would be long gone anyway, but at least I would've had something nice to look back on.

My 20s were spent in a drug and alcohol haze, the first half of my 30s has been a roller coaster ride with a lot of damn depression. I don't know...I feel like in a lot of ways...I basically missed out on what should have been the best years of my life and I don't really think I have much to look forward to now.

[Jean24]

I saw a good deal of the Tenchi series when I was younger on Toonami. I know there were like 3 versions (Muyo/Universe/in Tokyo?) I don't recall those particular episodes but I can totally sympathize with you feeling robbed. I had to deal with bullies too  because I was different, mostly because I had no exposure to men. That's why I'm trying to transition as quickly as possible, to maximize the time I have left.

[Nero]

I've felt similar before. For me, it was discovering Facebook and seeing all those people from school and just what normal lives they lead. You know, just seeing where I might have been had I been cis - in either direction. The kids, the spouse, white picket fence. And they also had old school and yearbook photos up that depressed me. I probably wouldn't have grown up feeling so weird and seen by everyone as so weird if I had been cis. Or maybe not. But I would probably be married and have kids - if I were a cis guy or girl. That bothers me a little sometimes. So, it's kind of missing out on the whole normal life thing - from school to now for me. Cause I didn't get it in either direction. It doesn't mean for sure I would have had it had I been cis, but most likely.

In an odd way, I might even kind of know where you're coming from with the missed girlhood thing. Cause I didn't really get much of it - had no girlfriends to share things with, no prom and stuff like that. And I used to watch the girls and hear them talking to each other. They always seemed so happy and had so much fun. They made it look so easy. I didn't know anything about trans issues. I just knew I wasn't the same and I wanted to be. I mean, I know it's nowhere near the same thing because technically I was a girl and got some of the stuff. I'm just saying I kind of know the feeling of missing out on all that.

[Jill F]

Not weird at all, Laura.  I get choked up all the time when I see young girls having a good time.  I sometimes think I got royally screwed out of a huge chunk of what life had to offer.  But you know what, the "what if" game never ends well.   You lose every time you play.

I know all about numbing yourself with drugs and booze, and I was pretty much schwasted and borderline suicidal the entire time from the ages of 16 to 43.  I can't get all those years back either.  Cis people often lament their misspent youth as well.  The fact is that youth is too frequently wasted upon the young.

I know this much though- the best years of my life are ahead of me because the worst years are already in the rear view mirror.   The past is the past and it can't be changed.  The future, however, is something you have some control over.  Visualize where you want to be, assess where you are and work your way backwards.  This is your path.

And next time you tease me with "weird", you had better deliver. 

Hugs,
Jill

[Miss_Bungle1991]

Not weird at all, Laura.  I get choked up all the time when I see young girls having a good time.  I sometimes think I got royally screwed out of a huge chunk of what life had to offer.  But you know what, the "what if" game never ends well.   You lose every time you play.

I know all about numbing yourself with drugs and booze, and I was pretty much schwasted and borderline suicidal the entire time from the ages of 16 to 43.  I can't get all those years back either.  Cis people often lament their misspent youth as well.  The fact is that youth is too frequently wasted upon the young.

I know this much though- the best years of my life are ahead of me because the worst years are already in the rear view mirror.   The past is the past and it can't be changed.  The future, however, is something you have some control over.  Visualize where you want to be, assess where you are and work your way backwards.  This is your path.

And next time you tease me with "weird", you had better deliver. 

Hugs,
Jill

Well, the reason that I thought it was weird, was what triggered it in the first place. You wouldn't think that a cartoon would trigger something like that. The main thing is, though, is just...I feel like it's all screwed up because when I look back on it and see how it was screwed up by the GID, that really sucks.

If it's just the same stuff that most cis people go through, that would be something else entirely. But I think it sucks even more since it's the damn GID. This stupid crap has left a hell of a psychological scar and sometimes, I'm not so sure that I can shake it off completely.

That thought really sucks.

[sad panda]

I've felt similar before. For me, it was discovering Facebook and seeing all those people from school and just what normal lives they lead. You know, just seeing where I might have been had I been cis - in either direction. The kids, the spouse, white picket fence. And they also had old school and yearbook photos up that depressed me. I probably wouldn't have grown up feeling so weird and seen by everyone as so weird if I had been cis. Or maybe not. But I would probably be married and have kids - if I were a cis guy or girl. That bothers me a little sometimes. So, it's kind of missing out on the whole normal life thing - from school to now for me. Cause I didn't get it in either direction. It doesn't mean for sure I would have had it had I been cis, but most likely.

In an odd way, I might even kind of know where you're coming from with the missed girlhood thing. Cause I didn't really get much of it - had no girlfriends to share things with, no prom and stuff like that. And I used to watch the girls and hear them talking to each other. They always seemed so happy and had so much fun. They made it look so easy. I didn't know anything about trans issues. I just knew I wasn't the same and I wanted to be. I mean, I know it's nowhere near the same thing because technically I was a girl and got some of the stuff. I'm just saying I kind of know the feeling of missing out on all that.

I know what you mean.. I basically had that life as a kid, well not really normal just super extroverted with a million friends, up until I was 12. so I got a lot of those normal experiences. but then I suddenly got fat and started having extreme anxiety over my body and just fell horribly off the normal people wagon... now I always wish I could go back and get to re-experience things..

It hurts when i realize how different I became.. I went in for a color the other day and god my stylist and her coworkers all have more or less that normal life and I get so sad around them. Yeah, they make ot look easy. I hate talking about myself to people so much now because i can't fake how not normal I am. It's so frustraing because people think I do live like that at first glance, I look and act super normal, and then as they get to know me they realize I just have this boring empty life.. I mean it's not like we can't get along and find common ground but I always feel like they have more to talk about with other normal people than with me. Sort of like being part of a different culture. Well, that's basically what it is.... of course, there is the added stress of everyone thinking I am cis and that I had a totally normal girlhood too, and will think i just get them on things that we actually don't have in common.

But it's like I can never be normal again cuz I push normal people away, I hate when they talk to me about their lives and it's just like... Mine is so boring.... I can only take feeling like that for so long ;O;

[Edge]

Well, the reason that I thought it was weird, was what triggered it in the first place. You wouldn't think that a cartoon would trigger something like that.

I once bawled my eyes out watching Lilo and Stitch. It's not weird.

I can't say I know what it's like for you exactly, but I do know what it's like to grieve for what could have been. For me, I found a lot of value in what I did experience and that helps.

[KatVonDoom]

Oh, Lilo and Stitch, christ... I think it was something about the sister dynamic in that movie, as the older "brother" in a situation that was very far from an ideal childhood, I ended up in the protector sort of role for my younger sister, and that movie...gah, it must be dusty in here or something right now

[Edge]

Oh, Lilo and Stitch, christ... I think it was something about the sister dynamic in that movie, as the older "brother" in a situation that was very far from an ideal childhood, I ended up in the protector sort of role for my younger sister, and that movie...gah, it must be dusty in here or something right now

For me, it was the "Ohana means family" part. I was sixteen in a psych ward during a time my family was getting worse towards me.

[KatVonDoom]

I was right around sixteen too! I had moved out permanently the year before, and always hated myself for not being able to take her with me. That scene stabbed my heart with a million knives