Tough situation, Laurelin.
(Since this board seems to have an obsession with avoiding liability, I'll just put a disclaimer here that I'm no mental health professional. So, rather than giving advice, all I'm doing is relaying my personal experiences and what worked for me.)
Based on what I'm reading, this is how I understand it: the core issues are that you are feeling lonely and still present in a way most people read as very male. This has galvanized you to come out to others and to confront your social anxiety. All of these things together are beginning to make you feel overwhelmed, and the feeling of being overwhelmed is leading to hopelessness and despair.
For me, the first step was finding someone I could trust and feel safe with. I was lucky enough to have one person in my life, who, if I was feeling utterly rock-bottom, I could lean on him and cry for a while. You need someone you can turn to when everything is too much - if you don't have someone you can be with in-person, you should find someone online. Use this board, if nothing else.
Next, I needed some kind of outlet for stress and a shelter for anxiety. Being too stressed is incredibly unhealthy, and it feeds into itself - the more stressed you are, the less able you are to deal with sources of stress. The same logic self-feeding logic applies to anxiety. For me, both of these were a variety of activities, such as working out, sex, playing video games, playing music, writing, engaging in debates online, etc. For me, activities such as doing chores/housework, working out or debating were good for relieving pent up stress, while activities like writing, playing music, and listening to music were good for keeping my mind busy and distracted so I wasn't feeling anxious or thinking about things that make me anxious.
Then, I needed to actually confront my anxiety. You are already doing this - I think you are a very strong person, actually, because based on what I'm reading you are doing it much better and more bravely than I did. IMO, the problem you are having is that you are going at the confronting too quickly without a good release valve to relieve some of the pressure - it's very important to have a way to relieve anxiety when it starts to become overwhelming. The problem I had was the opposite: rather than confront my anxiety, I would instead practice aversion, losing myself in books and video games to avoid thinking about it entirely for as long as possible.
Eventually I reached a point where I could start thinking about ways I could change myself to look like what I am (a woman) without triggering panic attacks or drowning in stress - the sooner you can think about this and make concrete steps toward it, the better you will feel. I started with clothes that made me feel good to wear or imagine wearing. First really simple things, like bracelets, panties, and socks - things that were decidedly feminine, but small and easy to hide - and then onto blouses, tunics, flashier jewelry, etc. After that, I looked for ways to make myself feel like I was attractive while wearing those things: places to gain weight, hair removal (waxing and threading), mannerisms, etc.
