Outed at work

[lexical]

Hey guys... so I'm a counselor at a drug rehab and have been stealth since I started last year. I do group and individual therapy exclusively with adult men, many of whom are not LGBTQ-friendly in the slightest. We got a new client last week who is in the early stages of transitioning to female. I wanted to offer her some support and in doing that I came out to her as trans. She was very appreciative that I told her and I definitely think it helped. But apparently someone overheard part our conversation and word has started to go around about me. Not everyone yet but at least 3 people know now. Since this started last night I've felt anxiety like I haven't felt in years and literally sick to my stomach still this morning. I don't feel at all comfortable with people knowing about me there because frankly it's just not a safe space to be out and it's a huge program. I'm trying my best to contain it but it's like wildfire, people love to gossip there. I hate the idea of it but I told one person that it's not true just to try to contain it. I'm completely at a loss here with how to handle it though. Any thoughts? I would talk to my supervisor but I don't trust him nor his superior to handle this properly -- that one client I mentioned came up in our staff meeting this week and it was very clear how inexperienced they are with trans issues.

[Declan.]

Your best bet is probably to say that your co-worker misunderstood you. You could say that someone in your family is FTM and that you know a lot about transgender issues as a result. If you act like it's a big deal, it's going to seem like it's true. Act confused.

[Bombadil]

I wouldn't have thought about that but i think Declan's advice is good. Sorry you are in that situation, man. I hope it dies down soon,

[lexical]

Thanks guys, yeah Declan that's a good idea. I'm off until Sunday so I'm mostly nervous about what happens while I'm gone... hopefully it won't be too out of hand by then this sucks for sure.

[harlee]

Your best bet is probably to say that your co-worker misunderstood you. You could say that someone in your family is FTM and that you know a lot about transgender issues as a result. If you act like it's a big deal, it's going to seem like it's true. Act confused.

I agree with this also! You look 100% male and I think people who don't know much about transgender issues would have a really hard time believing you actually transitioned from female! So I think their minds would be easily changed if you denied it and said you were talking about someone else. I hope it all works out for you!

[stephaniec]

I agree with the others, you look totally male. You were just trying to express things in terms of helping the client and were misinterpreted by someone over hearing a conversation, from your picture they're not going to believe female identity.

[Nygeel]

Being outed at work sucks. It's terrifying, can make you go bonkers, question your safety, and make you feel really paranoid about what control you have. But, shortly after things start to settle and it ends up not being a huge deal (in the larger scale of things). Do some breathing exercises, work out, be active, and try to work on maintaining your stress levels.

[wheat thins are delicious]

I agree with Declan.  I also want to add something that you may already have decided, but don't out yourself to offer support.  Support can be offered to others without outing yourself. 

[Arch]

I agree with Declan.  I also want to add something that you may already have decided, but don't out yourself to offer support.  Support can be offered to others without outing yourself.

I guess the deed is done, but other people might read this thread, so I have to add my agreement. I have had a few trans students that I know of (two of whom completed courses with me), and I have never outed myself to them. Instead, I present myself as a knowledgeable gay ally with at least one close trans friend. This packaging gives them the support they need and answers all of their questions about why I know so much.

With that said, I am extremely sympathetic to your situation, Lexical. You were trying to help, and it came up and bit you on the ass. I honestly don't know how I would react in the same situation, but I have thought about possible responses. I don't think I could outright lie. But I guess my response would depend on what the other person overheard. I know that I can honestly say that I was confused about gender for a long time and that I tried to live as a woman for a while but it didn't work out. But if someone outed me specifically as FTM, that response wouldn't work very well.

The person who overheard you is really a jerk and should have kept it to himself or herself--or at least spoken to you privately. Spreading it all around the workplace is unconscionable. But I guess you know that.

[timbuck2]

Like others said, just say your coworker misunderstood you. You said "I'm...FTM...I know a lot about it." for example. Then you were just pausing during your sentence and not saying you were FTM. Deny, deny, deny.

[Erik Ezrin]

If they just overheard a conversation it's easy for them to have 'misheard' it. Like imagine someone only hearing two words "FTM" and "transgender" and them immediately jumping to the conclusion that you ARE FTM, you can easily deny what they heard. They prolly just caught a snippet of the conversation anyway. For as much as that person knows you two were just discussing transgenders in general because... you have a trans friend/family member/etc.

Anyway, good luck bro! I'm sure it'll blow over soon enough, but we'll root for ya!

[Ayden]

Lexical, I am really sorry you are in that position. If it is a situation where you can deny it (since I know you are totally stealth and you pass like 300%) just deny it. If it goes around I think the best thing is to just act non pulsed by it.

Let us know what happens, man. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya. 

[castle of glass]

I guess there is one other approach. Your a counselor and i gather a big part of your job is to make your client feel at ease and get them to open up to you to help them to address their problems.

If you start disputing what your colleague heard, that colleague will probably feel the need to argue against you, because frankly they look like an idiot spreading something so sensationalist which turns out to not be true. Your calling them a liar in a round about way.

So maybe say yeah, he/she heard right. I did say that. I said it so that my client could feel at ease with me and so we can start actually dealing with and helping her properly. Like you say they aren't too clued up with trans issues, they may even commend your novel approach.

I really don't like lying either way, but if your adamant in trying to get this to blow over, i would go for that tact.

[lexical]

Hey guys, just wanted to say thanks to everyone for responding -- it really means a lot! I've been giving it a lot of thought and there's a strong part of me that just wants to out myself, especially since now 2 fellow counselors know (1 I told when I was breaking down that night and the other is gay and was told by her client in confidence who is also gay -- he is roommates with the trans client). I guess I'm nervous that the lie will backfire on me and it will look like I was ashamed or something. I'm now realizing that if it is spreading, one of my supervisors may ask me and I'm not sure if I could lie to him. Not that he has a right to the info but I could see this happening. Either way I need to come up with a response that I'm comfortable enough with and be consistent with it... wish it was just as simple as saying it was a misunderstanding but not sure I can still get away with that. I'll let you guys know what happens.

Being outed at work sucks. It's terrifying, can make you go bonkers, question your safety, and make you feel really paranoid about what control you have. But, shortly after things start to settle and it ends up not being a huge deal (in the larger scale of things). Do some breathing exercises, work out, be active, and try to work on maintaining your stress levels.

Yes to all the above! Working out is definitely my main coping skill. It helps tremendously. Also the deep breathing for sure.

I agree with Declan.  I also want to add something that you may already have decided, but don't out yourself to offer support.  Support can be offered to others without outing yourself. 

Agreed 100% on this -- at some level I think the isolation lately from being stealth brought it out of me. I have to keep that in check though. I used to be more involved with the local community but have fallen out of touch with most of the guys here over the last year unfortunately.

I guess the deed is done, but other people might read this thread, so I have to add my agreement. I have had a few trans students that I know of (two of whom completed courses with me), and I have never outed myself to them. Instead, I present myself as a knowledgeable gay ally with at least one close trans friend. This packaging gives them the support they need and answers all of their questions about why I know so much.

With that said, I am extremely sympathetic to your situation, Lexical. You were trying to help, and it came up and bit you on the ass. I honestly don't know how I would react in the same situation, but I have thought about possible responses. I don't think I could outright lie. But I guess my response would depend on what the other person overheard. I know that I can honestly say that I was confused about gender for a long time and that I tried to live as a woman for a while but it didn't work out. But if someone outed me specifically as FTM, that response wouldn't work very well.

The person who overheard you is really a jerk and should have kept it to himself or herself--or at least spoken to you privately. Spreading it all around the workplace is unconscionable. But I guess you know that.

Thanks so much for this. I can definitely see how presenting yourself as a gay ally with a close trans friend is much more respective of the boundary built into the relationship while still offering concrete support.

[Bimmer Guy]

lexical,

I'm sorry this happened.  I would suspect that when it comes to people finding out something private about us, this is the worst. 

At this point, since two people do know the truth, you can't go back on it.  I would focus on minimizing it.  I don't think you should make an announcement, as everyone is bound to hear about it in quick fashion.  I would say just present as nonplussed about it (as someone else said on this thread).  Say, "yes", if someone asks and then brush it off before they can ask a lot of questions.  It is something about your past, sure, but if you act like it is no big deal, they will feel like idiots if they do.

I don't even think you should feel like you have to go your boss with it.  If he asks, do like you did with the others, say yes and move on.  If you look at people like it is strange that they think it is a big deal it will

1) Shift their thinking to it not being a big deal
2) Make them feel like a douche for seeing it as a big deal

Hang in there, it will wash over the workplace and then things will get back to smooth sailing.  Just hang in there until it is over.  Tough to do, I know.

[HumanBeing]

I agree with what everyone has said and honestly, I hope they all just move on and start talking about something else. Hopefully it won't be too much of an issue and they all drop it. You don't have to out yourself unless you feel 100%, don't let this unfortunate incident force you to out yourself..because once it's out there, it's out there for good. No taking it back, no trying to back-pedal, no nothing.

Also I will go off-topic for one split second I must say I saw your before and after photos on one of the threads on here a few days back and you are an inspiration man! Keep doing what you're doing. 

[JamesG]

Or come out swinging. Go in tomorrow in full drag queen!

okay, maybe not...

Office gossip sucks.

[lexical]

Hey guys, just wanted to update you all -- things have gone surprisingly well since Sunday. No comments to me and I haven't heard any chatter about it. I actually facilitated an educational group for my clients on the effects of substance abuse on male sexual function tonight and it went really well. One advantage of my line of work is that we have clients in and out fairly quickly and the one that initially overheard the conversation has discharged. Thanks for the support last week though guys, I really needed it. This has definitely been an important learning experience for me... I will be much more careful/thoughtful about disclosing in the future!

[Ayden]

I'm glad to hear everything is going smoothly!