Today? I don't (not yet anyway), its the wee hours of the morning, so not much could go wrong to make me unhappy. But yesterday I had a moment. So while at work, customer comes up to me while I'm in the HBC isle, asks me where the socks are, so I bring him around to the next isle, he thanks me. Moment later before I walked away, asks me where mugs would be, so I bring him a few more isles over, give a point down to the end of that isle. He smiles and thanks me again. I get back to my work.
A few moments later he comes back into the isle I'm at and asks me if I'm new there because he's never seen me before. I told him nope, been here since last years, almost a year ago. I continued to work. He decided to stick around. Uh-oh, I'm thinking, yep, I know where this is going to be going, soon he'll be asking me questions and then build up the courage to ask me out. Sure enough, questions about this and that. What do you like to do? Cross-stitch.
Yep, that's it. I work, I go straight home, spend a bit of time with my dog, then cross-stitch until I get tired of it. And I don't go out unless I have to. Interesting? Nah. But somehow he thought so. Must be the hidden mysteries he thinks there may be. You like sports? Nope. Where you from? Born one place, lived mostly in another, moved yet to another place, ended up here. I think he ended up standing there watching me work for a good 15 minutes with the occasional question or attempt at conversation.
I could have brushed him off rudely as I used to do when guys would try to ask me out years ago (some of them were really persistent), but somehow over the years I've become considerate. I figured no harm answering him, so did so each time with my usual blunt straight answer as if taking a test any time anyone wants to know something about me. Rarely looking him in the face, still much of my concentration on my work. He thought I was interesting and liked that I knew who I was (regarding knowing my own strengths and weaknesses, about work and other stuff).
Then asked me what time I got off of work, because he wanted to take me out for a cup of coffee and donuts. I didn't answer right away. But then told him that I don't know how to answer it, the whole going out and people thing, well, its not something I have much experience with. He asked me for my phone number so we could continue talking, I told him I don't use the phone really. Again, I don't do the whole talking, social thing very well. He thought I was handling it well, but I was merely answering questions, because if he wasn't keeping it going there'd be no talking on my end at all.
Eventually he said he had to go and hoped to see me around in there again. But then did something that took me totally off guard, gave me a little bit of a hug, not really a close kind as I think he could tell I was unnerved about it, but somehow during our talk maybe he felt bad for me (I suppose from other people's view after hearing me talk and sounding so dull and negative, I must sound like a sad case, someone in need of a hug), I don't know. Well, he finally left.
I went to the back moments later to put some cases of merchandise away that I couldn't fit out on the shelf, and well, had a breakdown, balled my eyes out. Why? Because I really wanted to say yes. I've never been out with anyone, ever. No dates, no nothing. I've never even been kissed, and would probably get dizzy and pass out from being so nervous. I spend my whole life avoiding as many encounters as I can, yet at the same time yearn it, all of it. Heck, I don't even know if I'm into men or women, finding attraction towards both but nothing strong or lasting.
But I'm not what he's looking for, even if in some extremely rare case the whole transsexual deal doesn't bother him (and not because it was something strange and thrillingly different) and still wanted me to go out with me, I wouldn't. I am and have always been since I was a child an extreme introvert. Aside from family, I have lived a solitary life, I keep myself entertained, enjoy my own company, that's how its pretty much always been. So anyone trying to befriend me, well, they got a lot of work cut out for them, but those that do manage, somehow something at some point frightens me away. I am heavily guarded and untrusting of people (yet here I am on the internet bearing details about me, makes a lot of sense).
So, here I was crying, because I know deep down I wish I could be like everyone else, it'd certainly make life out there easier since much of it revolves around socializing in some way or another. And this bit typed up here and anything I read or reply to, its not the same for me, just walls of text, no faces, no voices, no confrontations, no pressure, I can read or not, reply or not, and take all the time in the world with any of it with no one to get impatient with me and no commitment necessary.
As for what I'll do next time he happens to stop in to shop on my shift, I don't know yet. Do what I do best I guess, let him know that there's no point wasting his time with me, the answer will still be no. Maybe next time I'll be a royal bitch (hormones ran out), its only a matter of time before testosterone starts taking a more negative control of my mood again.
And here I got this really nice dress last weekend (that I just had to have, around $10 at Walmart) and no place to wear it. Bummer. Oh well. Stop f'in crying and get back to work.
