Gender role vs. Relationships & Sexual partners???

[Veronica M]

One thing I am perplexed about. After reading quite a few posts here I find myself asking a question. There are a lot of MTF girls here that are still very much into women, which is fine as I don't discriminate what so ever as to ones preference. For myself, I don't quite understand that concept.

For me I have lived my life as a man most my life but always wanted to be a women from an early age. I have tried to fit into the so called norm and have made numerous attempts to be a man. Also, I have never really cared for women as far as relationships go. Mind you I have been in two long term relationships with women and am still in the second one. The first was a train wreck that ended with me getting addicted to drugs and what not. (20 plus years off the drugs by the way.) The second one has turned into more like best friends than a relationship. That is a whole other ball of wax I am still trying to work through as most likely because of my transition I will most likely lose my best friend in the process.  I'll leave that one for another post.

Sexually I have always preferred men but was too afraid to come out of the closet. So with that said, the other day in therapy my therapist asked me what I considered myself to be. IE: Straight, Bisexual or Gay. This I really had to think about for a moment. My conclusion was I was straight, but wanted a man. Yes the Dysphoria is really coming out of late. Also mind you I have been in a long term gay relationship also, but something was missing. Mainly it was the real me as a women.

Anyway, I would really welcome your thought on this as I still am somewhat perplexed on the whole issue in general. Thanks...

[Joanna Dark]

Well, why are you dating women>? I tried to date guys pre-transition but they said I was too femme for their tastes. I did date butchy women, but they were butchy and like men, or as close to a man as I could get without HRT. I dated this one girl and she super butchy then she changed, and dumped me...for a man...good stuff lol

[brianna1016]

I was never really in my element when I was in a relationship with a woman. After starting hrt I became fully aware that I was only attracted to men. I've dated a couple guys since then and I liked it a lot! Its like I finally understand my role. It feels amazing to have a man treat me like a woman. The chemistry feels natural. I don't feel confused and unsatisfied after sex. Its just so much better in every way!

[Veronica M]

Well, why are you dating women>?

That is a question I have just recently come to terms with, and perhaps one of the reasons I am in transition now. I have never been comfortable as a man but fear has been the biggest factor. As this journey is just beginning for me I am starting to feel much more comfortable as time goes on. I have a great therapist and that has been so helpful with the confusion and doubt of my decision to move forward to becoming a women.

[Cindy]

Hi Veronica,

Remember that sexual preference and gender identity are completely separate. Some women do find they switch to preferring men as partners after HRT which is probably due to self acceptance rather than effect of hormones. Some women always have and always will prefer female partners and some are bisexual in their preference.

Why? I haven't a clue! But our sexual preferences are, from my understanding, controlled by a separate area of the brain from our gender identity.

I am like you, I always preferred men but was too 'frightened' to be Gay as I always considered myself female and being Gay was at odds with my psyche. That's not to say I didn't test the waters on occasions!

I'm also married to another woman but I am in a relationship with a man since I went FT some time ago. My relationship with my wife is complicated by her being completely disabled and she lives in care, she is completely accepting of Cindy and happy that I am her husband and that I am also happy in life. To say that she is a very special woman is an understatement! I love her dearly.

[vlmitchell]

H'okay...

I'm with Cindy but I'm going to boil down my response to the simplest terms possible: You are who you are. You want to sleep with who you want to sleep with. Don't make it too much more complicated than that. Everyone has their ideal in their mind. Not going for what you want or making up excuses about it is crazy and a waste of life.

[Cindy]

H'okay...

I'm with Cindy but I'm going to boil down my response to the simplest terms possible: You are who you are. You want to sleep with who you want to sleep with. Don't make it too much more complicated than that. Everyone has their ideal in their mind. Not going for what you want or making up excuses about it is crazy and a waste of life.

Who wants to sleep!!!!

Sorry

[vlmitchell]

See? This is why this site needs to take down the absolutist rules about language. I'd totally call you a whore now because it's funny and something that is said regularly in women's circles because... y'know... *inclusive* whore = me too... but I can't directly use profanity so I'll just do this whole long paragraph that might get edited anyway but... yeah, I'm tired.

<3

[Veronica M]

Oh Ladies... Don't get me started... (Big Smile) Its has been ten years since I have been with a man so needless to say I am a we bit frisky to say the least. I am trying very hard to put that aside at the moment to concentrate on me but have to admit a good roll in the hay would be invigorating to say the least. (bigger smile) Perhaps I should take care of that as it might clear my head a little as to my mild confusion on this matter.

With the person I am with now we haven't done the nasty in two years. Her going through menopause and me, I have just lost interest all together. I guess when it boils down to it, Im okay with "Mister Happy" as long as it's not on me. We, as in my S.O. as we are not married have not discussed my gender  as yet and it is a conversation I don't look forward to what so ever. Even though I will have to come out sooner than later. As I said, she is my best friend. But it is to me more now like best girlfriends. She knows I like men, and there have even been some feeble attempts to satisfy those needs in the bedroom. But let's face it, it's not the real thing. Pardon the pun.

I am also wondering how HRT is going to effect me as I am trying to lose some boy fat before I actually start. I have a feeling I am going to be an emotional train wreck for a while. But we'll see.   

 

[sad panda]

H'okay...

I'm with Cindy but I'm going to boil down my response to the simplest terms possible: You are who you are. You want to sleep with who you want to sleep with. Don't make it too much more complicated than that. Everyone has their ideal in their mind. Not going for what you want or making up excuses about it is crazy and a waste of life.

Thank you for this. You are so right.

I think the gender role comes naturally too. I have never been with a girl so not sure about that side of things but honestly I don't think any of this should be forced. Just let love happen and it will show you the way. (:

[Jennygirl]

I've had a very similar experience, Emily!

Everything except for the first sentence that is

[Jennygirl]

Also may I add that you look great in your most recent round of pictures! Congrats lady!!

[Dahlia]

I was and am into (masculine) men only. But pre everything I didn't fit into the gay world, I was way too feminine.
Nowadays I found out most cismen presenting as 'straight' are more or less bi to a certain extend and some gay men too.
Turns out gay men who are more or less bi are the most relaxed, nice, fun and pleasant dates...since they know what it's like to be different and are not interested in 'extra parts' since they're used to that.
For 'straight' men it's exactly the other way around.

[Feather]

Sometimes I wish I was just attracted to men. It really is confusing when you see an attractive woman and want to have her but also be her. Sorry, I can't give you an explanation, I don't know how it's possible.

[Jenny07]

No need to say sorry Feather. I feel exactly the same way as you on this.

So hard to put in words and so confusing.

Jen

[meganB]

When I hitted puberty I realised I saw myself as a girl and that I was attracted to boys. However I didn't know this feeling was right and couldn't see myself liking boys as a boy so I thought I must like girls (which I obviously only could see as friends).

When I figured out that I was trans* I could finaly accept that I'm attracted to boys. The part of really liking boys started when I was 3-4 months on the hormones, before that it was more like "meh, I like boys, but I cant see them liking me" (as my self image was different from how i looked and don't want them to like me as a boy).

Just remember that gender, gender identity and sexual preference are three different things. One could be born female/male (gender), but feel like a boy/girl or woman/man (gender identity) and be attracted to men/women/both/neither (sexual preference). Eventual you will come to accept what you feel like and who you like.

[Northern Jane]

When I was young I identified strictly as female and with puberty came an intense attraction to guys. That was hard to deal with in the early 1960s because nobody understood the distinction between transsexual and homosexual. I remained straight with transition/SRS in 1974 and find sex with a man INCREDIBLY HOT! I was pretty wild back then.

Later I found myself in a sexual relationship with a woman (alcohol was involved) and had to admit that I liked it. Being intimate with a woman (as a woman) was very different, very tender, so I had to admit I was Bi. I think that in finding myself, my sexuality "opened up" and I became more flexible.

As far as "gender role", I was always pretty femme but as life moved on, I also became more flexible in that regard as well. Now, some 40 years later, I do whatever the hell I want to do! Whether it is home construction or sewing, I don't care - whatever needs doing.

[Veronica M]

Thank you everyone for expressing yourselves so open and honest. You have done a great job at clarifying this question and it has made me fully realize I am on the right path. After all these years I have gotten very good at acting like a man but along with that has come terrible depression, thoughts of inadequacy and internal anger with myself. I never really was "sissy" as someone stated because like Jane said  "in the early 1960s because nobody understood the distinction between transsexual and homosexual." being "sissy" was considered being homosexual. So I got very good at the role of being a macho man. (yuck) This may be why I have waited so long to take this leap. While there will always be homophobia things are much more relaxed now then they were back then. Thank God for that!

Of course there are still a lot of "What ifs" running around in my head, but I am clear on my gender finally and to some degree have regrets I waited as long as I have. Never the less that was then and this is now.

[Eva Marie]

It really is confusing when you see an attractive woman and want to have her but also be her.

ding ding ding! Same here.

Oh well, like Popeye said - "i yam what i yam and that's all what I yam".

[Shantel]

Feather, Jenny07, Eva Marie,
       I totally agree! I did get real squirrely early into transition and tried on a bi man, total disaster, nope, nyet, nada and eeewwww!
I guess it's whatever floats your boat or blows your hair back ladies, we're all individual and different!