Debating coming out...again (Long difficult story please help)

[dfgjuhdf]

Hi everyone, I have created this account solely to create this topic in order to ask for some un-biased and probably more forgiving advice for my situation. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Childhood
Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be a boy. Most of my friends were boys as a child, and they would call me the same.
As I moved into middle school, however, I was bullied briefly, but as an already emotional child (not knowing what was wrong with me) it broke me to think that others thought the same about me. I haven't been the same since and have severe social anxiety, depression and also chronic fatigue syndrome - not related, so I hardly go out.
I began to try and identify with my female side and body in middle school, more so in high school as I craved acceptance. When prom came around I did wear a dress and began feeling more comfortable in my own skin, although still battling the internal issues of feeling attraction to the 'wrong' sex. However I will say I am attracted to both males and females.

The Present
Now I am 19 years old, about to go to university, I met a girl online who I instantly was attracted to. 8 months down the line we are in love, however, I feel I cannot be with her a) in female form  b) possibly not at all because I feel so guilty that I have lied to her for all of these months if I did tell her she may not want anything to do with me, quite rightly so. I do feel as though we have an extremely intimate connection regardless of living so far apart. We make each other happy and I feel that love and happiness should be all that matters, but if I was her I don't know what I'd do. The only thing true about me is my personality (I don't know whether that will go a long way). I have literally lied about my birthday, my country of origin and my accent (when we talk) as I wanted to create 'me' and be the person I feel I should have been born.
We talk all day everyday as she also suffers with depression and is not attending school. So I am constant in her life. I feel I have been able to help her become more comfortable with herself. This is the problem, I feel as though I need to tell her and if/when I do, will she accept me? I am so scared to tell her as I don't want her to leave, she's my world. She recently told me she was bisexual, which makes me feel a little less uneasy as she might be more accepting should I tell her. After 'catfishing' her, I don't know whether I would be able to tell her that the photos aren't me as well as everything else, and it's horrible to know she's oblivious.

If I were to tell her and if she accepted me, I would insist on going from FTM. I have no real issues with coming out to my parents as I feel they would be very understanding. If they were to reject me, I would have. I do understand what I've done is so wrong and disgustingly sick but I felt I needed to 'experiment' before committing to anything. I also feel that I need to wait to see what university has to offer me, as I don't know whether I may meet someone there that will make me feel comfortable in my own skin. I am constantly contemplating breaking up with her as well as ending my own life as I feel she deserves so much better and I'm extremely unhappy with my life. I feel I have lied about too many things to be forgiven or accepted by anyone.

This is a lot longer than I was hoping, but any help is greatly needed and appreciated.

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, there aren't many things in life which can't be forgiven by people. Everyone usually has a reason for doing what they do. Whether those are the right or wrong reasons is a subjective view and one which I'm not qualified to comment on. Sufficed to say I understand why you did it. It wasn't malicious. It wasn't designed to hurt someone, or to get something from someone, you know?

I know there will be people who think it's wrong, no matter what (including yourself by the sounds of it), but really you created an ideal for yourself. Someone you wanted to be. Someone you felt comfortable living life as and which allowed you to interact. I think a lot of us do that to some extent, in varying different ways. The trouble is, once these things start, they spiral out of control and you get deeper and deeper into something you can't see a way out of. It happens. More than you might think.

What I would say is two things:

Firstly, if you don't say anything and just break up with her, she might well think it's her fault and that she is the one not good enough for you. She might blame herself for something that... well, it's not really anyone's fault. It's a series of things that just escalated. But that leads me onto the second thing, which is that if she doesn't accept it then the result is the same. Except you will both know where you stand.

Personally I think there is hope. The timespan is relatively short, you know? It's not like you've been living a different life for like 25 years and built up an entire other person which your SO is in love with. And I also think that you know yourself pretty well, and express why you did what you did very articulately and with a lot of heartfelt honesty. I think you should arrange a time for both of you, and tell her what you've said here. Not just the "what" but the "why". You had your reasons, sweetie. Whether she accepts them or not is really only for her to decide, but you did not just do it on a whim or for the heck of it. It stems from a need to be someone else. And that is a very deep need for you. Something you can't just push down and ignore.

I think that if you love someone, there aren't many things that can't be worked though. Sure, there's an issue of trust but that can be worked on if both people are willing.

I can only speak for myself, and everyone is different, but if someone came to me with the same sort of situation as your SO and you have, I would want to work through it. I would want to find out why she did what she did, and what happens next. I wouldn't want to just give up because there are too many other things which make it worth fighting for and making it work. Happiness is a rare commodity in this world sometimes. And when everything's stripped away and you examine how you feel for each other... I think that is something that can be taken as a core and built around.

Those are just my personal feelings. Not so much help or advice, just... well... I think you know somewhere inside yourself that you need to tell her. You've spent a long time figuring it out to tell yourself so it's a natural progression.

*hugs*

Whatever you decide, sweetie. You're not a bad person, okay? You're not. You might not have done some things the right way but that doesn't make you someone not worth believing and believing in.

[dfgjuhdf]

Sephirah, thank you so much for your heartfelt response, it really got to me! I did try e-mailing you but I know reaching out for advice once again is a big ask.

As for your advice, I totally agree and should I have known I was going to meet the love of my life I would never have created such a persona that I cannot live up to in reality, however, in reality I can't BE myself, and you understand that. I'm sure most people in our gender situation has had to have an internal battle with themselves at some point, and this, unfortunately for my girlfriend, is how I am doing it. I feel I need to test the waters being recognized as a man and being in a committed relationship.
I also understand I have done things wrong and I still am doing things wrong, and as a course of action I am learning to be able to cope with these problems myself before I tell her.

The short of it is, I will tell her, one way or another. But I am still discovering myself right now and I feel that whether she knows it or not, she is helping me to do this, and I feel that when the time is right - I believe I should get my life together and help her with hers also - it will feel right to come out.
I am doing this by having my hair cut short this week, which I have wanted regardless of gender and I feel this small transition may help me to bring my personality and my appearance closer together. I am also communicating with her regularly (without telling her the problem) extremely honestly; i.e. I am telling her that no matter what I love her regardless of looks and personality, and I think she feels the same. Or she says she does as she thinks I am being truthful...
Whether when it comes down to it, she will be able to deal with the betrayal and the painstaking process of change which, as I said I would have to do if I were to be with a girl is another thing. I do feel that when the time is right, when circumstances are good and I feel she is also in a good emotional and open-minded position to at least accept what I'm confessing to her, it will happen.

This is all new to me too, as I didn't think I would revert back to my 'childhood thinking' again after suppressing and denying it all of these years... so small steps are necessary. Yes I understand this is a selfish outlook, but it's the only way I can feel 'myself', and deep down I slightly believe she may accept me for who I will become for her. Rest assured, my moral compass is slapping and kicking me everyday for what I am doing and I feel nothing but shame for this, but ironically I've never felt so happy.

All I can say is thank you for your advice, it's really helped me and I will continue to do what I am doing and hopefully make it with this girl.