worth telling my sibling first? he's not getting me at all

[jaybutterfly]

well, Im in a bit of predicament. My brother is badgering me to change my lifestyle to become a heavy weightlifter and is incessantly trying to change me to be like he is. I want to tell him but Im scared he will reject me or worse tell my parents before I tell them and blow my cover. Thing is I find it hard hearing this all the time

1. A runt like you needs to buff up, you'll never be strong or pull birds
2. You'd be better with women if you'd man up and get big
3. You'd feel less depressed if you got bigger
4. You need the size for your martial arts (which Im sure many of us will disagree with)

It's this day in day out and I dont know what to do. If I tell him and he understands, great, if he doesn't Im totally boned... its tough call time

any ideas?

[kelly_aus]

Or you could just say something pithy like, 'I have no wish to be a muscle-bound meathead like you.'

[ToxicFox]

My brother was like that with me. Just tell him you don't like or want that look.

[Rachel84]

My brother used to be the same way with me too.  Always telling me how much I needed to bulk up.  Now he harps on me to keep up the cardio and yoga so I'll be slim and toned. 

[Hikari]

It sounds like he is just trying to be helpful, he just doesn't realize he is way off base for who you really are.

[MbutF]

I get the same thing from my friends, I'm physically, probably the weakest guy I know of. It's like 'Dude, when are you going to work out? you'd look awesome' or 'chicks don't really dig skinny, frail guys'. I know they're trying to be helpful, but sometimes I tell them 'I like being this way', replies like this mystifies them, because they don't understand why a normal guy would want to look like I do. I wish I could tell them how I REALLY feel, but I can't.

[Hikari]

Also just to note, that 100% of comments like that stopped for me when I came out...but, they were replaced by "you're going to get thinner, right?" comments lol so it doesn't really mean the pressure to conform physically goes away, merely it switches direction. Everyone has been very understanding of what I want to do with my body, and I consider that a bit of encouragement even if is a bit frustrating.

I would say to the OP, if you don't depend on your sibling financially why not tell him? I mean if you keep going down this road he is going to learn eventually right? Not only that, but I will say with the changes I made, everyone was pretty off base with what they thought was going on because apparently almost no one will assume trans, they will go every possible place first from gay to Russian spy before they assume the truth. If I could do it all over again I would tell people first, because it helps to get out in front of the rumors about you.

Now, I do understand you are worried that he might tell your parents, but I would say the same, if you don't absolutely depend on them financially then perhaps it would help to head that off and tell them yourself. It always helps to be the one to tell yourself since you can control the conversation.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Jay,
If you're not ready for the rest of the family to know, I'd probably avoid telling him. It sounds like he's super-masculine, and it's hard to say how he'd take it.  You really shouldn't feel rushed to come out, not over something like this.

Isn't there a nice way to tell him to lay off? It seems kind of narcissistic for him to assume you'd want to emulate his look. Can't you just say thanks, but no thanks, that you're just not interested?

Well, good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Cheers,
Tegan

[jaybutterfly]

Telling him I'm not interested in looking like that has not helped me once in the last three years and I don't see it working now. I dunno, I just think if he realized I was trans he'd appreciate it, but at the same time... I dunno.

It makes me feel even worse about my shape too

[Sincerely Tegan]

Is this really about the pressure to bulk up, or is this about wanting an ally in your family? If that's the case, it's fine, but you should recognize what's driving you right now.

Your brother sounds like he cares, but how close are you really? What are his views on LGBT issues? Can you actually picture him coming to calm acceptance, or does that not seem to be in the cards? If you really believe that he will be accepting and that he might be supportive, then go for it. Maybe test the waters first, though.

If you already have a plan for coming out, don't let this rush your plan. Do you have a plan, may I ask? If so, where does your brother currently fit into it?

If you just need him to lay off, try to be more clear. Older brothers, in my personal experience, can be notoriously thick. If he thinks he's helping, he clearly has not gotten the message that his "help" is unwanted and is even starting to hurt. Maybe that's the way to approach it- let him know that it's hurting you. If he truly wants to help, then this might be what he needs to hear. Take him aside, tell him that he's hurting you, and you need him to stop. If he really cares, then although he might be confused by this, he'll also hopefully give his "coaching" a rest.

Good luck, girl. Stay strong.

-Teg

[Ms Grace]

I don't see your brother being very understanding. Just tell him to back off and let you live your life the way you want, he's clearly into body building so good for him but it's not for you. Presumably he's your older brother, I'm so glad I never had one of those! Who knows what my younger brother expected of me but at least I never treated him like that.

[jaybutterfly]

Is this really about the pressure to bulk up, or is this about wanting an ally in your family? If that's the case, it's fine, but you should recognize what's driving you right now.

Your brother sounds like he cares, but how close are you really? What are his views on LGBT issues? Can you actually picture him coming to calm acceptance, or does that not seem to be in the cards? If you really believe that he will be accepting and that he might be supportive, then go for it. Maybe test the waters first, though.

If you already have a plan for coming out, don't let this rush your plan. Do you have a plan, may I ask? If so, where does your brother currently fit into it?

If you just need him to lay off, try to be more clear. Older brothers, in my personal experience, can be notoriously thick. If he thinks he's helping, he clearly has not gotten the message that his "help" is unwanted and is even starting to hurt. Maybe that's the way to approach it- let him know that it's hurting you. If he truly wants to help, then this might be what he needs to hear. Take him aside, tell him that he's hurting you, and you need him to stop. If he really cares, then although he might be confused by this, he'll also hopefully give his "coaching" a rest.

Good luck, girl. Stay strong.

-Teg

Thanks Teg,

thing is I want him to know because I think he could help me, but I dont know. For a long time he was iffy about gay people, but now he has gay friends at the gym who he gets on with really well. My dad, well, I dont know about telling him: he's very much in the dark ages about things like that and seems to think in terms of 'sissy boy syndrome' 'all gays are into drag and wear pink etc' and 'gay men arent real men' so I dont know about telling him. I think my Mum suspects. I did ask her about if she'd suspected I was gay in the past and I think since I had a very long conversation with her about trans issues that she's starting to catch on, but I still dont know...

Id like to tell my mum first but I fear my dad will just attack and criticize me, he's got this idea in his head that I am just a mini-me for him and that I think and feel exactly as he does so it would take him by surprise to say the least. Ive wanted to talk to the family but we've had a rough few years and its one thing after another: I was going to tell them the other day and then we find our dog has gone blind so everyone is too upset. Before then its been my gran having alzhiemers, me having depression issues, my brother getting ill, mum having problems with her mum etc. Its all a bit crazy and Im concerned my dad will think Im some dirty pervert trying to escape reality.

[Sincerely Tegan]

Jay,
PM when you get the chance. I'd like to help, as it seems like this is still unresolved in your head. I know a bit about brothers (I grew up with one of the worst), so I might be able to offer a bit of perspective. I'd probably need to have a little more info (about your relationships with your family) though. PM me. We'll chat. Hopefully we can lower this anxiety of yours.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Cheers,
Teg