Positive relationship stories?

[JesseG]

This is a tough day. My normally-accepting wife (appears accepting?) has been showing signs of unhappiness about the new me lately. She has only known for a few months, but we've been married for many years. We had a fight about it yesterday and today. Just when I think I'm beginning to put all the pieces of my life together, something comes loose and I'm starting at the bottom again...

As if that wasn't bad enough, I just got some news that a friend of mine decided to divorce his (male) partner. I knew they had some trouble but...

My lgbt friends have so many stories of divorce and failed relationships, and yet they appear outwardly warmer and more genuine. My cis friends remain mostly married, but I always detect an undercurrent of melancholy about them. I'm bereft of role models.

Does anyone have any positive relationship stories? I always felt strongly about our chances, but the emotional roller-coaster is draining.
Not looking for a silver bullet, just wanted to commiserate 

[gennee]

Hi Jesse. I read your story and I'm happy to say that my wife and I are very happy. I started cross dressing almost nine years ago. I have been dressing for several weeks in secret until she found some of my stuff. That night I told her everything. Naturally, she was shocked  when I told her that I enjoy wearing women's clothing. I said that she accepted it but I knew that she was confused about this.

I encouraged her to ask questions and made sure that I had answers. I was concerned more about our 25 year marriage more than my cross dressing. It required much patience which I understood. I never forced her to accept this part of me. After I discovered that I was transgender, I was able to be more at ease with myself and be more of a help to my wife in understanding all this.

Today, we go out a lot. We've gone to dinner, the movies, church, and shopping. I came out to my church family in June 2012. We will celebrate our 34th anniversary in May. Your wife is probably still digesting all this in. Give her the space and the time. My being transgender has changed the dynamics but I'm the same person. There are some couples who are still together and I'm happy to be one of them.

[Tessa James]

Hey Jesse,  I have been around here for a bit over a year and read about a number of relatively successful relationships.  Some of us are still with our spouses and many others have found love and acceptance in a new relationship.  The community response for my coming out has been fantastic and this is my 15th month full-time as Tessa.  I feel closer to family and freinds in part because there are no more secrets and sharing my vulnerable underbelly has most often been reciprocated.  I don't know the future and don't take my spouse for granted but we have been together for over 40 years.  My partner has known about my transgender proclivities and queer orientation for most of that time.  Still, if we got separated/divorced tomorrow i would consider our relationship worthwhile, successful and mostly positive.  She enjoys introducing me as her wife.  It is harder and we have more depth and new challenges to deal with but that is part of what makes life dynamic and interesting.  The Beaver Cleaver family of 1950s american television was boring.  We don't need those quiet lives of desperation, we are people in transition to a better self and place.

It seems that many of us do find that roller coaster effect is very real.  i don't want to blame everything on hormones but my emotional range is considerably greater and it feels that I am now living in color.  it once felt easier to compartmentalize sex and feelings, other than anger, could be turned off.  Living in my testosterone fueled world i felt driven and urgent too often.  Now the world and my responses are more understandable to me.  We first need a positive relationship with ourselves perhaps?

These days we will all have friends who are in various stages of make up or break up but there is no accurate template for your life.  You make one to fit yourself.  Hang in there Hon.

[Adam (birkin)]

Well, my relationship did end up in a breakup, however, it wasn't due to the transition at all. She was always extremely supportive. She's known me from the time I first read about the word "transgender" to now, where I've spent the last 2 years as male. She never cared one way or the other. She truly loved me whether I was female or male, and accepted me fully as male once I solidified my decision to move forward. If it hadn't have been for personal issues (which arguably would have existed regardless of my gender), I'd have hit the total jackpot in terms of acceptance.

[JesseG]

Thanks all. Those stories warm my heart. The edge is off a bit.

Is it weird that I'm envious of the emotional changes brought on by HRT? I'm not in a position to take hormones, but sometimes there's a lot of held back anger inside. I hear stories about trans women that became more level and calmer after HRT, and I can't help but wonder.

[SaraLondonUK]

Hi Jesse....I'm not sure where it may lead. And I wish you all the very best on the journey. For me, I told my wife I cross dressed when we married. Over the past few years, I;ve accepted I am transgender, and just before Christmas, told her all about my feelings. There was a lot of heartache, and it was decided for me to go to counselling. This has beena  really positive side, and I have shared all my feelings and emotions during this time with my wife. I feel calmer and more happy than I have in many a year. It was at my wife's suggestion that I am now looking into HRT......we have accepted that at this stage I do not know where it will lead. Will that be enough, or will I need to transition fully. How CAN we know...I don;t know myself! BUT, she is adamant, that she fell in love with the person, not the skin, and whilst we are both sensible enough to know that that could change if faced with being married to another woman.....we are still on this journey together, and I am more grateful for her support than she could ever know! Stay strong.

[Jenna Marie]

I told my wife that I was trans as soon as I figured it out, and had fully transitioned by 11 months later. It was a roller-coaster ride for that year, but we're still together and still blissfully happy. In fact, we're happier together now than before. It helps that she's bisexual and prefers women; there were still a lot of rough patches as we both adjusted to the changes, but we both clung to the hope that eventually we'd come out the other side. And we did! By the time I had GRS, her only concern was the risks of surgery, etc. I'll be grateful for the rest of my life that I was lucky enough to have her.


(We also met when we were 15 and got married at 22, and then I transitioned at 32. So we're also a happy-ending story of people who fell in love in high school.)

Good luck. As my wife always tells people, it CAN be done, so long as you're both still willing to work at it and still in love. If your wife wants to post in the partners' section here, my wife would be happy to talk to her, too.

[eli77]

My partner knew I was trans and considering transition a year before we got together. She was my first love, first kiss, first everything. And I was madly, hopelessly in love with her. Enough that I would have done just about anything to try to stay together.

We split 6 months before I started HRT. It was... brutal, and we have no contact with each other anymore. Took a long time to stem the bleeding from that, and even now it still kind of aches a bit to think about. Like an old break.

Wow, thanks Sarah, what an uplifting story right?!

I didn't date at all through transition. I was still a mess after the break up, and a mess from dealing with transition so... I let all that be. And then about a year after my SRS, I screwed up my nerves and turned one of my best friends into my girlfriend.

I don't think you can really fall in love the same way twice. Or at least that isn't how it worked for me. But that wrenching, desperate wanting is the same. Needing to be with her every moment I can steal. And she has a kindness and calmness in her that makes me feel not-broken. Like I'm a real person, for the first time.

And I would do it all again the same, even the worst, worst moments just to make sure I would get to this point, right now.

So even if it all breaks. Doesn't have to mean it stays that way. All the wisdom of my 30 years.

Best of luck, whichever way it goes.