T made me happier, but more depressed.

[culticexecution]

I remember  I used to be a very confident individual despite me being pre t. I was still seen as a girl, but I never dressed like one. Either way my family didn't really know about it at the time. Anyway, when I was younger about 13 or 14, I was concerned about what other people thought of me, I did not speak up for myself. Basically would not say anything when people are obviously laughing at me. I would not act like myself around people as well. I was rather quiet and did not know what to say to people I did not know. Then High School came, and I just built this confidence, I had the attitude of "I don't give a f** what you think of me". I would say what was on my mind and also defend myself when people are obviously being ->-bleeped-<-s. I would act more like myself around strangers, granted not that much because I still felt a bit uncomfortable seeing as I did not know them, but I was able to speak to them and crack jokes, be myself you know. Overall this huge confidence came upon me. Though I was still depressed for the obvious reason of still being pre-t and not being able to transition at the time. All I wanted was to get my hands on T. Well, I finally did when I was 22 years old. I was happy, very happy about that. I finally feel like I am starting to look like my gender, but ever since I started T, my confidence went down. You would think it went up, but it didn't.

I find myself hiding what I truly want to say to people, I am concerned of what others think to some extent, I find it hard to talk to new people (Not as hard as it was when I was younger though), and it is hard to be myself. For example, I act more like the things listed above around guys (straight guys), because I feel like if I act a certain way they will be able to tell I am trans and you know, who knows what might happen. I'm just afraid of anyone finding out. I am so overly concerned about my appearance. I constantly look at my chest and if I see a slightest bump due to the binder, I feel like someone will notice and know.  I am just afraid that if they know will they react badly? At the same time I feel like I am not much of a man, now that I converse with more guys now, I feel like I have to act like them (mannerisms and such) to be more like a man, but I know that is not the case. My confidence just went down so much. Also, I have things I want to say like when someone pisses me off, but I don't. In fear of crossing the boundary of what is to be a man. I don't know if this makes sense or not.

Another example is when I go to concerts (I like to go to metal concerts)  I mosh, I love to mosh. In the past when I was pre-t, even though I saw myself as a man, everyone else saw me as a girl for obvious reasons. So I would push girls, tell them to ->-bleeped-<- off as well as guys.  When someone was bothering my friends I would tell them to stop. Now, that I am viewed as a guy, I know that guys who basically ->-bleeped-<- with girls get punched. So, I am afraid of what guys might do when I do the same things I did in the past. I fell like I am not strong enough to fight guys, I feel like I would get beat up pretty badly, and frankly I am afraid of that. It feels like I have gone completely soft, like I let people push me around, while in the past no such things happened. Whatever I do, it feels like its not expressed as what a man would do. While getting t is the best thing that happened to me, it really shot down my confidence. I believe seeing as I am a trans male, I was born a female I feel like I cannot ever be like a biological male.

I do know if anyone understands what I mean or have shared similar feelings like mine. I just really needed to talk about it. I have really started to hate myself for it, because I miss my old self so much. This feels like it is not me and I am speaking of personality/attitude. Transitioning to male is me, that is for sure. I am so happy that I am on T and hopefully I can get my top surgery this summer, which I am excited about and be able to fully transition in the future, but this whole confidence thing has really got me down.

Other things that may "feed the fire" per say is my weight(overall physical appearance) and feeling dumb. I used to have this confidence that I was smarter than the majority of my classes, which was fact most of the time, haha. I would understand material quickly and know what to say. My vocabulary was quite large, not as large as most smart people, but still pretty good. Now, I just hear material and it won't click. Granted I do understand it, but the connection is faulty, you know? Also, when I speak to people I find myself forgetting words and I just come off sounding stupid.

It is becoming very irritating and depressing.

So anyone out there have similar kind of feelings?

[Jason C]

Men are all different. Act like you want to act. Stereotypical men act a certain way, sure, but there are countless men who deviate from the stereotypes and their gender isn't questioned. Most people won't think, "He isn't a stereotypical guy, he must be trans." That's not their thought process; even the most close-minded of men will just assume you're a weird guy. But you can't act like who you're not just so others won't see you as a certain way, because that's not much different to other trans people knowing they're a certain gender and hiding it so others won't think badly or them or anything. You have to do what makes you happy.

Also, if your weight makes you unhappy, try to lose a bit of weight? Maybe go to a gym and work out a bit, it might give you more confidence, right? As for being dumb, that doesn't make you dumb. I haven't done any learning for a few years because I've been sick, and I've completely lost focus, I can barely do simple maths, even though I did very well in my GCSEs so I know it's not because I'm dumb. Your mental health can affect your concentration and your ability to absorb information and etc.

[Natkat]

It sound to me like you are having trouble with the genderroles in the manworld, I can relate to that.
I think many people learn new aspect of gender when they transition and being viewed diffrently, and it not always positive. I ex hate how I Pre-T everything was viewed as "cool, badass, boyish, strong" while now people say i'm "femenine, weak, girly, bla bla bla" I do the same thing, I like soccer and make up, but before the fact I played soccer was so cool, and now the fact I like make up is so girly.
--
I really think you should be carefull not to let yourself getting driffted away by the expectation on "how a real man is suposed to be" cause for me the whole "macho-man culture" is very gender opressing for males telling what you can do or feel and not.

Sure there are some facts which is kinda difficult to change. I can't really change the fact that girl is probably being more anxious with me when I walk behind them in a dark ally, or someone belive I know nothing about womens rights or whats it like to be a girl, but what I can do is being responsible for my own actions and choices.

I think you will figure out a balance by time but I think it normal to be abit anxious in doing the wrong step I also had this point specially with girls and children I been worried that I by accident would do something who was considered very creppy or discriminating because people would view me as a man. its abit like when you are traveling to a new place and have to learn what people consider you as and what you can do and not do.

[Natkat]

I hope my text did not come around the wrong way. I belive you should really try be you as much as posible for all these things you missed, even if it not typical male that wont matter, as said you dont get clocked on being trans because you do something who isnt consider typical. it not like you go "hmm that guy like pink he must be trans" people would by worst caise consider you abit odd or gay, by best caise they will consider you yourself and unique.
----
for the felling dump yes, I also feel dump.. -__-.
I have been abit less creative as I began transition, however I belive my felling of being
less smart is because time has changed and im compared diffrently.
im older and everything so people expect more of me, and by that it more easy for me to be less knowlegde,
compared to when I was 15 and people expected less of me and those people I was compared with in the
same group was also around my level.
---
I wonder if it only for the trans fact or in general your life have changed?
if you got other friends since the time you compare yourself to?

[culticexecution]

Men are all different. Act like you want to act. Stereotypical men act a certain way, sure, but there are countless men who deviate from the stereotypes and their gender isn't questioned. Most people won't think, "He isn't a stereotypical guy, he must be trans." That's not their thought process; even the most close-minded of men will just assume you're a weird guy. But you can't act like who you're not just so others won't see you as a certain way, because that's not much different to other trans people knowing they're a certain gender and hiding it so others won't think badly or them or anything. You have to do what makes you happy.

Also, if your weight makes you unhappy, try to lose a bit of weight? Maybe go to a gym and work out a bit, it might give you more confidence, right? As for being dumb, that doesn't make you dumb. I haven't done any learning for a few years because I've been sick, and I've completely lost focus, I can barely do simple maths, even though I did very well in my GCSEs so I know it's not because I'm dumb. Your mental health can affect your concentration and your ability to absorb information and etc.

The thing is I do know that that is indeed not their thought process most of the time, but I constantly think that they do. I suppose it is just my paranoia. I suppose it is more the fear of them finding out that I was biologically born female and what they would do themselves to me. I also feel not man enough when I interact with guys.

I don;t really seeing as me hiding, I just hold back so much because of my paranoia I believe, or just overall insecurities. I mean I don't really hide that I'm trans, if someone asks if I am I will answer them honestly. Though it is sort of hard to do so at a work environment. At work everyone sees me as a male, which is good of course. No one needs to know I'm trans, I mean why? It is none of their business, but if they must know I suppose I will tell them, but at the same time it is a bit scary.

Yeah, I know I could fix the weight problem, it is just the matter of actually doing it.

[culticexecution]

It sound to me like you are having trouble with the genderroles in the manworld, I can relate to that.
I think many people learn new aspect of gender when they transition and being viewed diffrently, and it not always positive. I ex hate how I Pre-T everything was viewed as "cool, badass, boyish, strong" while now people say i'm "femenine, weak, girly, bla bla bla" I do the same thing, I like soccer and make up, but before the fact I played soccer was so cool, and now the fact I like make up is so girly.
--
I really think you should be carefull not to let yourself getting driffted away by the expectation on "how a real man is suposed to be" cause for me the whole "macho-man culture" is very gender opressing for males telling what you can do or feel and not.

Sure there are some facts which is kinda difficult to change. I can't really change the fact that girl is probably being more anxious with me when I walk behind them in a dark ally, or someone belive I know nothing about womens rights or whats it like to be a girl, but what I can do is being responsible for my own actions and choices.

I think you will figure out a balance by time but I think it normal to be abit anxious in doing the wrong step I also had this point specially with girls and children I been worried that I by accident would do something who was considered very creppy or discriminating because people would view me as a man. Its a bit like when you are traveling to a new place and have to learn what people consider you as and what you can do and not do.

I suppose it is a struggle with the transition of how men are viewed and basically gender roles. Though I believe they should be NO gender roles, because people should be able to do what they want to do whatever it may be. For example if a heterosexual guy wishes to wear nail polish, let him.Though since gender roles exist he will be judged and considered "gay". Unfortunately gender roles EXIST, not really much we can do about it except just do what you want and accept the fact that you will be judged. Really, whatever you do you will be judged.