Quote from: __________ on April 08, 2014, 11:34:47 AM
So much darkness in this thread - kinda makes my decision process seem very trivial.
I had a choice, and I've always had a choice. I could be the guy I was born as and be moderately unhappy some of the time, or I could be a girl and (hopefully) be far happier.
Am I unique in just making a choice between being "okay" and being "happy", rather than being "dead" or being "alive"?
Darkness. I was thinking about this today. I don't think it is dark, I think it is something different, somehow.
This thread is a thread about courage. Its about facing our worst stuff and living through them to find a life lived honestly. Its about having the guts to stand up to a world that doesn't get it - and you full transition girls have a lot of guts to be able to pull that off. I cannot. If anything this thread has me locked in now on staying stealth, on hormones, with only a select few knowing what is under the mask I wear so well. Maybe I can do that because I am a professional actor, I don't know why I can do it, but there is always the knowledge that I am very different from what they think they see, and my tolerance for intolerance is wearing very, very thin. So my big act of courage has been coming out to that select few. Only two people have seen me fully transitioned as a preop. And that went exceedingly well.
So is it dark? Unfortunately there are those who did the big opt out thing that can't post. But we are the survivors and are here to help one another through whatever pain comes with having something as huge as this.
Most of the time I obsess about being trans. 95% of my non working thoughtlife is about trans. I am trying to change that and its hard to do. When I step back for a moment and look at where I am now, I am shocked. Here I am with a woman's body and the untransitioned head of a male with a woman's nervous system and emotions and sensory perception. Sexually. I have nerves I think are somewhere else in the normies. Too much going on between the legs, doesn't figure to me as male at all.
But when I realize what I have had to do to get here, and what I look like now, I am astounded. And I still smile every time I look in the mirror - I can easily see through the face to whats underneath it, and those woman's eyes that look back...I saw those eyes for decades. I used to hate them. Now they give me joy.
I am still trying to process this stuff. I am still trying to accept that this happened to me. And yes, I have far too much to lose to fully transition. Will it happen? Depends on when the pain gets to critical mass, but I will do whatever I can to remain at peace no matter where this thing takes me.
Suicide was never an option. But the odds of me being sober are about one in ten thousand. It was stop drinking or die... at 25 years old. I was going out dressed in a very dangerous area in NYC and making sure I passed out inside of my condemned appartment instead of outside the door. I have 30 years of AA and they are helping me survive. They don't know details... actually 4 do, but they know how to keep me from picking up again. To drink for me is to die. I could not get sober until I showed up at a meeting cross dressed and told them this is why I drank, eliminating that as an excuse to self destruct. They just told me not to drink and to get a better wig. That was 30 years ago.
And I must say, the hormones feel just wonderful. That is what I tell my wife, they are absolutely medically necessary for me, and that is the truth. They are.
A story of courage. All of us. Every one of us. Lights in the dark.
