I had struggled with my gender identity since puberty, I had begged my family doctor for help me remove the female breasts and genitals, only to be told that no surgeon would perform on me because I am young and one day, I might turn around and say I want children. Having previously endured reoccurring nightmares of giving birth to children after being subjected to rape, this was the worst slap in the face.
I felt alone. So alone. I saw no future of me as a woman, only an empty shell of who I am, floating through the motions of life until Death knocks on my door.
You know you've hit rock bottom when you plan to commit suicide on your 18th birthday. Thankfully, being an avid Poke'mon fan, it was the 20th Poke'mon anniversary and I was having too much fun to worry about killing myself. Shortly after that, I hit rock bottom again. I tried soul-searching, looking deep within myself to find an answer - anything!
Something within told me, "If being a girl makes you so miserable, why not try being a boy?" I typed transsexual into Google (not really knowing what it meant either!) and one of the first pages came up was a website that was pink, filled with animated talking graphics and different pages documenting experiences of both MtF, FtM and other identities. I found a Chatroom and spoke to someone about my experiences. I was sobbing, in tears, I was so alone and scared with this new-found thought circling my head. The person quickly took me to a private tab and talked to me, reassured me and eventually, later on, the other members of the chat helped convince me to come out to my family so they could help me.
That website and that little chatroom belonged to Susan's Playground... (I think it has since changed to Susan's Place)
Thank you, Susan's Place, you had helped me out of that very dark spot back then and even today, you continue to help, encourage and support me.
