My coworker asked me a question today I would like your thoughts

[Erica_Y]

I came out at work in the last few weeks and response has been great. My plan is to go fulltime in the next month or so as background information.

Since I am transitioning at work and everybody knows , stealth will never be an option.

My coworker who I have worked with for 10 years asked this.

How do we refer to you when we talk about past tasks, jobs and outside work activities?

If you get referred to as your previous gender or name in conversation about your past most likely by habbit as a result of context and reference points will it bother you?

Thoughts?

[Elsa]

Well, it seems like your co-worker is simply trying to figure out what you would be comfortable with and what would bother you, so that person knows how they need to address you.

[Joanna Dark]

Congrats on the supportive environment. IDK, though, I, myself, have almost completely started a new life where everyone I hang with has only known me as a girl.

[vlmitchell]

Generally I enforce 'she' in past tense as well as my proper (current) name. I don't have time for people who want to separate my life into two different people.

[mandonlym]

When I transitioned I asked people to refer to me purely by my female name and gender. I reminded them when they made mistakes, which they did from time to time.

[Erica_Y]

Hey thanks for the thoughts so far. It was very sweet and considerate of him to ask and I did give him my thoughts on this but I wanted to hear some of yours first. I was curious how strict everybody was on putting their past behind themselves even in past context references.

My general position on transition in the work place and personal life has been to take an open flexible approach. I have come up with a idea called a informal flexibility agreement that I run by my coworkers and friends and  it goes something like this.

I start off by admitting that I am going to make a ton of mistakes and so is everybody else, if we can both agree to be flexible around this transition deal and not sweat the details I believe that we will all win in the end and have a more comfortable experience for everybody.  Of course mean spirited and derogatory stuff will get an appropiate response however i am not expecting to much of that at this time fingers crossed. This has been met with very positive response so far.

I was curious if other girls were taking a more strict and toe the line position or not or if my situation is typical.

[Jessica Merriman]

Generally I enforce 'she' in past tense as well as my proper (current) name. I don't have time for people who want to separate my life into two different people.

I agree totally!

There will of course be slip ups so just be polite and remember they are new to this.

[mac1]

I came out at work in the last few weeks in guy mode. .....................

Erica_Y,

I am confused. This says you are FTM. However your gender marker and avatar say "F".

[Erica_Y]

Definitely MtF. I came out at work early and I am still presenting in guy mode till I go fulltime in a month or two. I wanted to give everyone a chance to acclimatize and get comfortable ask allot of questions before I go full on Erica!

[Veronica M]

Erica_Y,

I am confused. This says you are FTM. However your gsnder marker and avatar say "F".

I believe she meant she was on boy mode when she came out... That was my take anyway.

Congrats Erica

[Erica_Y]

I believe she meant she was on boy mode when she came out... That was my take anyway.

Congrats Erica

Yes thank you Veronica that is what I meant I cleaned up my original post so hopefully it is not as confusing anymore. I definitely do not want to go in the other direction

[RosieD]

I started by not remarking on occasional slips as they were bound to happen. There was only the one more serious incident caused by a lack of communication which was soon remedied without me even needing to use the sharp tongue I am known for. As time has gone on I have become decreasingly tolerant of any mistakes, which I think is only fair as people have had over a year to adjust.

When talking about the past at work I always use the correct name and gender. I took a middle name that can be abbreviated to be the same as my old name so if it ever comes up I have been able to say that I was using my middle name at the time.

Rosie

[mac1]

Definitely MtF. I came out at work early and I am still presenting in guy mode till I go fulltime in a month or two. I wanted to give everyone a chance to acclimatize and get comfortable ask allot of questions before I go full on Erica!

Ok now I understand - keep positive about it!

[BunnyBee]

I would say something like --yes it will hurt so please try very hard not to do that.  If I know you are trying and it is an innocent slip-up I will probably not let on that it hurts (and it will hurt less if than if it was on purpose for sure) but that won't mean it doesn't trigger unpleasant emotions for me, because it will.

[Ms Grace]

Generally I enforce 'she' in past tense as well as my proper (current) name. I don't have time for people who want to separate my life into two different people.

Same here. Besides people get too tied up switching between genders.

[Nicolet J.]

 Slowly I came out to people one by one, until I felt I could be comfortable to open it up to the world. Once everyone knew, I then slowly started to transition. I told people people I prefer to be called Nicole but I understood it would take some time. Over the next three months. I did more to look more and more like myself. Now I am fully acclimated at work as me. Loving it. My daughter now is even calling me mom. Her choice. 

[Pia Bianca]

I totally agree with all of you in general. But there might be things regarding past work which would require otherwise.

For example if there's some older working lists where the old name is written. I'd say use the written name as it otherwise would confuse people if not telling me out.

[Adam (birkin)]

I would prefer people refer to me as "he" and my name even when referencing the times I was living as female. There's not really any reason to emphasize that I used to be such and such, because you wouldn't really do that for anyone else. Like if you called your child babykins when they were little, and you told someone a baby story, you wouldn't start going "ooooh my widdle babykins once wet their widdle diaper - that's back when Johnny was a baby, you see, so I only use babykins and I spoke to Johnny in a baby voice when he was my babykins so I'll use it throughout the whole story." Lol that's probably a terrible example but you get the idea.

I guess what it comes down to is why does it matter that I was female and my name was X? How is that relevant to the actual content of whatever they were describing? In the majority of cases gender is irrelevant.

[Pia Bianca]

I guess what it comes down to is why does it matter that I was female and my name was X? How is that relevant to the actual content of whatever they were describing? In the majority of cases gender is irrelevant.

Yeah, but what if there's a worker list and theres Charles Whatever written there... and you reference to Charles as 'she' because she's now known as Charla...? Wouldn't you disclose informations which is meant to be held private?

[JaneNicole2013]

First, I came out early myself (to my immediate team of six) to give them a chance to acclimate. Will come out to the rest of the department a few weeks before the actual transition (date TBD).

As for past tense, everything I've read and heard indicates that you should ask people to refer to you as your female self, even in past tense. Technically, you have ALWAYS been her, even if your coworkers didn't know. Also, this helps reinforce the idea that you are female, helps avoid confusion, and makes it easier for new employees to acclimate. It takes time, but they'll get the hang of it. A good friend of mine that I've known since high school (FtM) transitioned a few years ago. It was tough at first, but I can't even remember his female self and when I talk about school or one of the many sci-fi cons (Star Trek, Dr. Who, Blake's 7) we attended together, I always think of "him" being there and not "her."

By the way, one of the strangest questions I received after coming out was "What do you plan to wear?" Not sure what they were afraid of (maybe they didn't want to see my legs but tough on that) but I told them I would dress appropriately for work of course, and told them that my style would be more conservative than flashy.

Jane