Friends Who Want to be More Than Friends? (AKA: HELP! I'M SUDDENLY DESIRABLE!?)

[Danniella]

Hey ho, time for another of my patented "Conundrums/Moral Dilemmas, Cunningly Disguised as an Overly Long Rambling Post That Most People Can't Even Begin to be Bothered Reading"...

So I have a very close knit group of friends, both male and female, who are honestly the greatest friends I have ever had. It's taken me a LONG time to gather them together (as I am meticulous about my friend selection, in terms of not accepting any morons, asseholes or homophobes/racists etc into my inner circle). And I am super proud of the group of friends I have cultivated.

As a result I love each and every one of them, I would do anything for them, and vice versa. During my coming out, the collapse of my marriage, my recent drinking problem, and my suicide attempt, they have all stood by me and picked me up when I fall down (literally and metaphorically). I could not ask for a better support group.

But you see...I have encountered a very strange phenomenon over the last few weeks (really since I started going out in full girl-mode) that has left me completely dumbfounded...

...

One by one, they all seem to be "falling" for me  D:

...


Now I understand that it's super hard to say that with a straight face, and NOT sound like a complete delusional/self centred bitch :S But that's the only way I can explain it!

Over the last two weeks no less than 4 of my closest friends have came to me in private and confessed their strong feelings for me!

1 I can understand...2 is flattering...3 I was started to wonder if they were winding me up...BUT 4!? That's when I officially freak out! D:

The thing is...I'm not going to lie. It's flattering, and they have all been really sweet about it, but I have NEVER experienced anything like this before in my life!

I just got out of my 10 year relationship with my wife, but even when we were getting together, it was during secondary(high) school and it was like...puppy love that developed over time to a real relationship...

I have never had anybody come on to me or confess feelings for me. I have never dated before, hell I have never even had anybody say that I was particularly desirable as a partner before!

But now, since coming out, it seems like I have this growing line of great people who want to be with me...and I have no idea what to do!

I don't want to lose friends, or cause a rift or any animosity between them...but I have no idea how to let them down gently

And in a way...I kinda don't want to let them down.

I can't even say "I'm sorry, you are sweet, but I'm not attracted to guys/girls" because recent developments are making me more and more open to the idea that I am bisexual (Whether that revaluation is due to hormonal changes or a lifting of repression? Who knows...That's a topic for another time).

In addition (just to add to the complexity) two of these friends are essentially coming out to me as "gay/lesbian or bisexual" in addition to stating their affection for me. The running theme seems to consist of expressing how seeing me tackle the Gender Dysphoria head on has given them the courage to come to terms with their own sexuality etc...and realise they have strong feelings for me...

OMG DANNIELLA! TLDR GIRL!

Okay...so...if somebody comes out to you AND confesses strong feelings for you at the same time...how do you let them down without hurting them or damaging your friendship? Especially if you are not technically adverse to the concept of the relationship? :S

How do you deal with that happening with LOTS of your friends at once?

Finally...is this like, a normal thing!? Does has this happened to allot of trans people? Has it happened to you? D:

...

Okay long rant over ^^;

[alabamagirl]

It's sort of happened to me, and I haven't really even transitioned yet. It honestly feels pretty odd, considering that for the first 25 years of my life I was completely undesirable to the point of thinking I'd never even find one person who was interested in me. Then I started embracing my femininity and suddenly I seem to have an endless selection of people to choose from, which feels pretty awesome that so many people like my new (authentic) personality.

First of all, I'd suggest not starting any new relationships so soon after the end of a previous one. You don't want to let the vulnerability that comes with losing a relationship make you jump into another one too quickly. That happened to me once and it was just awful... Instead of cultivating/exploring and enjoying the relationship with the new person, I was constantly just trying to resume how things had been with the last, even though that wasn't a conscious decision to handle it that way.

Other than that... Well, give it some thought whether you'd truly like to explore a romantic relationship with one of these people and go for it if you do. Don't worry so much about letting someone down. Friends will understand that you're just not interested in a romantic relationship, even though it may be disappointing for them to hear. You certainly don't want to lead them on or do something just because you feel pressured to. Simply be honest with them and things should eventually work out fine.

[Hikari]

I can relate somewhat, not in the sheer numbers (4! by the goddess that is extreme!) but in the situation in general.

One of the earlier people I came out too, who at the time was really supportive became a bit distant, turns out under alcohol this person told a different close friend of mine something to the effect that if I go thru transition they would fall for me because gender was the on reason they hadn't already....or something like that. The details are quite sketchy, but since this alleged confession (hey I wasn't there so I have to say alleged) this person has been calling me much less, and then making sure to get off the phone whenever their wife comes home, which is very suspicious behavior...

In any case, my actions are very clear. I won't mess up my friendships by getting involved with my longtime friends. People who I meet now and become friends with I am open to dating but, if I had known them for more than 5 years, then I wouldn't consider them anymore. Of course, this is very easy for me as despite hormones doing lots of things, they certainly haven't made me start liking men, and even if I did this person is married (and I would never cheat, nor enable someone to cheat with me). Your situation becomes much more complicated if you are able to find all parties involved attractive and they are single.

The big question I would have, is how do you feel about these people? I mean in order to decide if it is worth the consequences of potentially messing up friendships, you have to have some idea of how much you would want to be with them. I mean if you aren't all that attracted for example, why bother with the risk? If you are really into someone though, that risk becomes alot more viable.

Also one thing to think about, friendships can be messed up even if you don't date anyone, after all if someone is going to make themselves vulnerable enough to come to you and confess feelings it would seem like the ball is already rolling in their minds. This would mean whatever romantic tension is developed could indeed jeopardize a friendship even if there is no romantic relationship.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Apparently people like us more when they understand our true selves...

[Trillium]

That's a tricky one and I would think you'll really have to read into each friend to work out the best solution. Each of them are going to have a differing views, desires and expectations.

Honesty from the start will keep things the most simple and will encourage them to open up in being honest with you and themselves (I know close friends and all, your generally open and honest with each other but it's not the same when there is that desire for more). The tricky bit is being open in a way that won't hurt anyone but at the same time 'beating around the bush' can somewhat over sensitize the mood. So sometimes a bit of bluntness on something that can be easily joked with/shrugged off while touching around the more sensitive issue can help desensitize things.

Also perhaps you could consider whether your interested at all in helping them find them selves/experiment, if that is something they would be content with. I've a few very close friends who I was once in a short term relationship with and we've all found the experience has only brought us closer as friends.

[MbutF]

I get the feeling that if I came out, most people would distance themselves from me, except for one or two, who'd also come out to me, but maybe no one will.

If my friends 'fell for me', that would be weird, I never felt about them that way, I don't know how I'd handle saying 'sorry you're... not my type... I don't like you in that way... but let's still be friends'.

[meganB]

Had something alike when a boy started to really open up to me and started to flirt with me (we were good friends).

Gave him a chance (as I already somewhat liked him) and I fell for him (I told him that). We dated and he ruined the second date and after me calling him he told me he didn't see anything but friendschip (after he flirted with me in a certain way that is close to foreplay the day before the second date).

I try to be friends but it's hard as I don't know how he will react and how I will react to that (also considering the feelings I have/had).

Bottom line, be honest and say what you feel. It might ruin the friendships, but they will most likely respect you for being honest and stay friends. If you give them hope that there might be a chance while there really isn't a chance then there is a huge chance you will lose them.

[Danniella]

Thanks for all the advice everybody. I took all of what you were saying and devised a method of communicating my stance on the whole affair...

So I've spent the whole weekend essentially visiting each of the friends in question, one by one, for a proper "talk" on the subject.

I pretty much sat each of them down and covered the following points

• "I am glad that you were able to talk to me and come out with your orientation/feelings etc, trust me, I realise just how difficult that can be, and I am honoured to be the first person you have told. I'm also very flattered that you find me attractive etc"
• "But the thing is, orientation confusion aside, I am in absolutely no state to be in ANY relationship right now, never mind one with one of my closest friends."
• "You are a great guy/girl and an amazing friend...but if we were to date right now, you would not get the proper relationship you deserve. It's just not something I can provide for you right now. I need to sort myself out, get over the crumbling of my marriage and figure out what I want in life, before I can even begin to think about relationships again..."
• For the guys I added: "and you MUST realise that I might NEVER be able to provide you with what you want, I may be having some new urges/attraction towards guys right now, but I have no idea what that will lead to in the long run, and whether I will ever even be able to have a proper relationship with a man."
• "I don't want you to do anything silly like sabotage your current relationship, or hold out for me,  in the hope that one day I will "change my mind" or "come to my senses" and realise I want to be with you, because there is a good chance that might never happen.
• "I don't want to lose your friendship, you mean the world to me, but that's the only outcome I can see if we were to date now...so please, just try and put your feeling for me to one side, for both of our sakes..."

All in all, the talks went...ok. Like I have said...I have never had to do anything like this before, so I don't know if I came across in the right way or could have handled things better.

There was allot of tears from all involved...allot of resistance, some hardcore statements like "You don't understand" and "But I can't just stop having these feelings" and the worst reaction being "But you are my perfect woman, I can't go on in life seeing you with other women...it will kill me..." etc

But I think after some time, I got through to most of them...we shall see how they are over the next few months.

...

All I know is that my close inner circle of friends has taken a hell of a beating, there are allot of broken hearts surrounding me, and I can't stand being the cause of it

[Eva Marie]

Wow..... i have the exact same feelings and thoughts about dating and rebuilding my life after losing my 27 year marriage. I just don't have anyone chasing me like you do LOL....... and I also don't know who I am attracted to. Right now it's pretty much nobody because of my mental state, the same as you.

I think that you were honest and handled it about as well as you could. By being blunt and taking charge of the situation you stopped what could have been a disaster; you made it clear where you stand and you didn't leave any room for anyone to misinterpret what you said. Sure, it hurts now but I think that going forward you'll keep those friends as friends instead of having ex-friends with broken hearts and hard feelings.

[meganB]

"But I can't just stop having these feelings"

It's very hard to stop loving someone if you really love him/her. You just can't stop emotions. Even after it seems they aren't hurt anymore there is a big chance they still have feelings for you. Only time will heal their wound.

All I know is that my close inner circle of friends has taken a hell of a beating, there are allot of broken hearts surrounding me, and I can't stand being the cause of it

You didn't had a choice. You didn't make them fall in love with you on purpose. Beside that whatever happend there would be broken hearts, because you aren't ready for a relationship, see them in that way or even if you got into a relationship with one the others would be heart broken.

They might avoid you for some time because they need to sort out their feelings for you, but if they really hold you dear they will come back, because they don't want to lose you (speaking from experience).

Only thing I recommend is to stay yourself and don't blame yourself for this as you said honestly what you felt (that's way better than to leave them hanging by saying "I don't know how I feel about you"). They can either keep trying and win your love, give up or do nothing and just hope, but that is their choice not yours and you can't force them to make a choice.

And about sexual confusion. Some people fall for women, some fall for men, some fall for both men and women and some fall for someone as a person. It can be very confusing, but listen to yourself and you will figure out what and who you like.

Good luck with everything!

[mandonlym]

Ha! You're hot! I totally called it.

This hasn't happened to me all at once but over the years close friends have completely surprised me with their interest. You're handling it better than I have because my pattern seems to be being utterly oblivious to the signs and then being told and then the situations blowing up in my face. I tend to close the door on relationships when I become too close friends with people, which wasn't healthy in retrospect.

[Danniella]

Thanks for all the kind words. It really helps allot, I mean...who else can I turn to about stuff like this, when my close friends are the source of the drama itself D:

It's still early days, but It's looking like I may have irrecoverably damaged one or two friendships along the way

It doesn't help that they have all started to talk to each other (obviously because they no longer feel comfortable talking to me, they are beginning to confess to each other about it, seeking solace in friends ofc). But this means they are beginning to realise that they all have feelings for me...which is beginning to cause tension between them as well >.<

Just this morning I had one of them angrily message me saying "You knew that "X-Friend" AND "Y-Friend" had feelings for you too!? And you turned us ALL down!? How could you be so heartless!? We are all hurting now because of you."

I'm genuinely worried about them banding together in their hurt and demonising me for my actions. Or becoming so awkward around each other and me that they just cut their losses and leave the group as such.

It's strange, when I decided to come out, I did not take anybodies reactions for granted, I expected to lose friends and family left and right. But I didn't, just about everybody has stood by my side with my transition so far.

It hurts that after all that, I may lose them to this

[Veronica M]

Danniella,
First off, I absolutely love your vocabulary and word play... As to your friends, that's a tough one for sure, but as long as you were polite, I don't see an issue. Your true friends will always be there. If you addressed them as you said in your post, the problem is with them not you. I have a feeling it will all work itself out.

[Danniella]

Danniella,
First off, I absolutely love your vocabulary and word play...

Awww thanks ^^; I do love playing with words, they are always fun to mess around with, make me appear smarter than I actually am...and they don't pick me last for sports either...

Although oft times my rather...verbose and or elaborate methods of communicating can backfire on me. I regularly encounter friends and or family, normally children...or those with an approximate IQ of such, who become irritated and frustrated as to why "You talk all posh! I canny understand half O what Yer sayin!"

-sigh-

Such is the burden of intelligence. xD

-ducks whiskey bottle hurled at head-

As to your friends, that's a tough one for sure, but as long as you were polite, I don't see an issue. Your true friends will always be there. If you addressed them as you said in your post, the problem is with them not you. I have a feeling it will all work itself out.

I do really hope that things do work out...like I mentioned previously, I have never had to express feelings like this to another before, never mind somebody who is having their heart broken at the same time.

I THINK things went okay with the talks...but with how they are reacting...I am beginning to wonder.

Of all the transitional issues I expected to encounter, I never considered this to be one of them!!!

[Jessika Lin]

Just this morning I had one of them angrily message me saying "You knew that "X-Friend" AND "Y-Friend" had feelings for you too!? And you turned us ALL down!? How could you be so heartless!? We are all hurting now because of you."

To me that sounds a lot like "You owe (at least) one of us a relationship, and you're a heartless bitch if you don't do it".

I mean..wtf? Seriously, WTF?! I can imagine the kind of torment that's causing you (two of my main strengths are seeing things from others' point of view, and being a sarcastic smart-ass...both can make life frequently uncomfortable).

Your friends need to get a bloody clue! They may have been good friends up to this point but, if they can't realize what they're doing to you with this crap and continue to act like entitled morons (complete with blaming you for their feelings/actions), then in my opinion they don't deserve to be your friends any longer.

I wish there was something I could say that would help with the situation, for your sake I really hope they realize what they're doing to you and wise up.

PS: I agree, you are totally cute, add the love of word play (a fav of mine too), RPG gaming and (likely) scots accent and umm...yeah anyway...I hope your friends wake the hell up.

[Trillium]

oh dear, "hugs" it's obviously not gone the way you'd have hoped. I think now is an important time for you to assess whether these emotional out cries from your friends, shed new light on their true characters or simply imply frustration due to circumstance. Try to see it is unlikely they are all seeing this from the same perspective, feelings of rejection can be hard to deal with, so in unknowing how to react some will just be following from example of those who have decided how to react.

I know it might be emotionally daunting but arrange to see and spend time with them and continue to communicate where possible, even if things are still sour. It might cause some confrontation but it's better then letting things fester. True it is good to give people space when needed just don't allow that space to grow too vast. Keep in mind that some may not be the friends you thought they were, learn to forgive them while knowing they might deal with things differently, they may not seem as close a friend but in this way they will not divide you from those who are better friends.

Another "hugs"

[Danniella]

To me that sounds a lot like "You owe (at least) one of us a relationship, and you're a heartless bitch if you don't do it".

I mean..wtf? Seriously, WTF?! I can imagine the kind of torment that's causing you (two of my main strengths are seeing things from others' point of view, and being a sarcastic smart-ass...both can make life frequently uncomfortable).

Your friends need to get a bloody clue! They may have been good friends up to this point but, if they can't realize what they're doing to you with this crap and continue to act like entitled morons (complete with blaming you for their feelings/actions), then in my opinion they don't deserve to be your friends any longer.

oh dear, "hugs" it's obviously not gone the way you'd have hoped. I think now is an important time for you to assess whether these emotional out cries from your friends, shed new light on their true characters or simply imply frustration due to circumstance. Try to see it is unlikely they are all seeing this from the same perspective, feelings of rejection can be hard to deal with, so in unknowing how to react some will just be following from example of those who have decided how to react.

Yeah...I'm hoping that they are just venting their hurt, and that they will come to there senses eventually. I think if I was to be able to sit down and explain that to them, it would help...but how do I do that without just resorting to the old "It's not you it's me"?

I know it might be emotionally daunting but arrange to see and spend time with them and continue to communicate where possible, even if things are still sour. It might cause some confrontation but it's better then letting things fester. True it is good to give people space when needed just don't allow that space to grow too vast. Keep in mind that some may not be the friends you thought they were, learn to forgive them while knowing they might deal with things differently, they may not seem as close a friend but in this way they will not divide you from those who are better friends.
Another "hugs"

Daaaw thanks for hugs We are all supposed to be meeting up for a game night this weekend...we shall see how it goes...It's going to be difficult, but I must to stay FAAAAR away from the alcohol. Too much craziness and at this point I have no idea what will happen should my inhibitions be lowered :S

Ha! You're hot! I totally called it.

PS: I agree, you are totally cute, add the love of word play (a fav of mine too), RPG gaming and (likely) scots accent and umm...yeah anyway...I hope your friends wake the hell up.

Wait...what?...What's going on!? I don't understand!? Why are people are suddenly saying this everywhere! D: I have absolutely no idea how to deal with these compliments!

-hides under blankets-
I need an adult...

[Jessika Lin]

Wait...what?...What's going on!? I don't understand!? Why are people are suddenly saying this everywhere! D: I have absolutely no idea how to deal with these compliments!

-hides under blankets-
I need an adult...

In your shoes I imagine my response would be much the same, I'm not particularly used to people paying attention to me, getting compliments is something I have no experience with either. Probably doesn't help that I've effectively isolated myself socially since..hmm..forever pretty much.

In any case, I sincerely hope things work out for you.

[Trillium]

Yeah...I'm hoping that they are just venting their hurt, and that they will come to there senses eventually. I think if I was to be able to sit down and explain that to them, it would help...but how do I do that without just resorting to the old "It's not you it's me"?

I think the "It's not you it's me" can create more confusion and directs the center of attention back at you, so not ideal for showing consideration for others. Perhaps you could describe to them that you understand how you've made them feel rejected but now you also feel rejected as their friend.

[Danniella]

I think the "It's not you it's me" can create more confusion and directs the center of attention back at you, so not ideal for showing consideration for others. Perhaps you could describe to them that you understand how you've made them feel rejected but now you also feel rejected as their friend.

Gah, you'r probably right...I just don't know :S

Normally I am very empathetic, and I can read social situations and predict reactions of people etc fairly easily, at which point I can provide a slew of various ways to resolve the situation in a manner that best benefits all parties involved...

But there is just something about all of this drama that has really blind sided me. I never saw this madness coming, not even in the most hardcore of my cheese induced fever dreams >.>

There is just something so...raw...and almost primal in the looks in their eyes when they are bearing their soul. I feel so overwhelmed, and my thoughts are suddenly slowed to a crawl, when I see the hurt I caused.

I guess...I have just never had to reject somebody before, I never thought it would be so hard to do

...

Aaaaanyway...Saturday night we shall see what happens, I am just going to try and give everybody a good time and hopefully show them that the friendship we have built is worth keeping...hopefully :S