It is a little bit funny really; I don't identify with the person who called himself Doug. I don't dislike him, I just don't feel like I know him very well anymore. I don't dream as him, nor do I find much of what he used to do very interesting. Hormones? Alzheimer's disease?
Ever since I went to court and legally became Julie Blair last November, Doug has been slowly dissipating. Even some memories are fading. I have a conference at the end of April in New Orleans where I will come out to colleagues from all over the US. Then I call HR to set up that meeting and become integrated into the organization as Julie. Mail off the passport paperwork, and go get my picture taken for my drivers license (I'm already Julie in the DOT files). All the letters and medical confirmation paperwork is completed for that and social security. Finally I have to change my financial profile, and then Doug will be no more.
I wonder why that seems somehow melancholy? It didn't before I wrote this down, but I'm oddly emotional. Maybe I have to bury him. What seems even stranger to me, is that I have been working towards, and anticipating this for two years and now that it is on the cusp of reality, there are tears on my cheeks.
I not anxious or afraid, just kind of grieving. Any thoughts?