Pre everything feelings.

[Thomas]

I am a transgender ftm. No one knows about my gender identity other than my brother. I still look like a female.
I really hate my life, I want to die really bad.
My mom, brother and myself went shopping for clothes today. I was searching for clothes at the female section and like always, found absolutely nothing that would fit my taste. I always get desperate and depressed while shopping. Afterwards we went to the men section for my brother and I was excited at how awesome and beautiful looking the shirts were, I was so jealous.. I decided to buy a couple of shirts as well, I was embarrassed to try them on (mostly because of the people shopping around) and see if they fit me so I let my brother try them on for me since were about the same size and it felt really good buying clothes I like for once..

I feel awful again though, I feel like im making no progress in life, letting all these years go to waste living as a female.
Im scared, I dont know what to do. Im scared of the process I'll have to go through once I decide im ready to live as a male. Theres also my family. I really like my family but unfortunately theyre all religious and not so open minded, theyll never "accept" it. I cant even imagine them seeing me once im on T, they will probably make fun of me and talk about me behind my back. I am talking about my wide family and not my closer family. My brother is accepting and I assume once my mother finds out she will be too.

Im really upset and confused right now, I feel like im going nowhere.
I sometimes think that I should stay female and suffer because transitioning is too much work that will cost me too much money (me and my family are very poor) and mental issues for achieving happiness.

Also, im new here so I dont know if this topic is "Significant Other Talk" forum related or this one. I apologize if I was wrong placing it here  .

edited for age.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Thomas! First thing is slow down and relax a little. You are  worried about all those wasted years, try 40 years. I made it and you will too, but you are going to have to understand that transition is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take at the minimum a couple of years if you have unlimited funds to fully transition. I would say that a good starting point would be to find a good Therapist who has gender experience. If that is not possible try talking to a school counselor or anyone you trust about your situation. Start with a good foundation and everything else will fall into place. Transition is tough to deal with so get someone in your corner in real life. Another mistake we all make is to pre judge how everyone will feel when they get the news on a coming out. They will be shocked at first so don't let spontaneous comments get you down. I got a few, but after they digested the information most have come to accept me for who and what I am. Give people a chance.

[Thomas]

Hi Thomas! First thing is slow down and relax a little. You are worried about all those wasted years, try 40 years. I made it and you will too, but you are going to have to understand that transition is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take at the minimum a couple of years if you have unlimited funds to fully transition. I would say that a good starting point would be to find a good Therapist who has gender experience. If that is not possible try talking to a school counselor or anyone you trust about your situation. Start with a good foundation and everything else will fall into place. Transition is tough to deal with so get someone in your corner in real life. Another mistake we all make is to pre judge how everyone will feel when they get the news on a coming out. They will be shocked at first so don't let spontaneous comments get you down. I got a few, but after they digested the information most have come to accept me for who and what I am. Give people a chance.

I'll never be comfortable enough talking about this with anyone I know from school. Im also scared talking to a therapist or anything related to that due to past incidents  Ive been hospitalized for trying to suicide when I was younger and have this non social life.. (im not suicidal anymore) Even though im a very serious, self aware/confident looking person I doubt anyone will take me seriously due to the things Ive mentioned. I know gender dysphoria isnt too related but they will ask and figure it out eventually.
They probably wont even allow me to get on T.
Im so negative!

[Jessica Merriman]

Gender Dysphoria can cause quite a few issue's for people suffering from it. A few are depression, anxiety, anger, social issue's, isolation and a multitude of health problems. My personal symptoms caused a live or die moment and you can see what I did, choose life. You are going to have to find the strength to talk to someone about your symptoms if you ever want to start healing. It is tough, but it is a step all of us have had to take. Most of us lost people and stuff, but what we earned by living as our true selves more than made up for it. I hope by reading the stories about all of us you can find strength and resolve to confront your issue. You will find by the stories here you are by no far means alone in any of this. Please PM me after 15 postings if you need someone to talk to or just blow off some steam. Let us help you become more comfortable with yourself and us and we will give you the best guidance and personal experience we can. Let today be the first step in your journey.

[Thomas]

Gender Dysphoria can cause quite a few issue's for people suffering from it. A few are depression, anxiety, anger, social issue's, isolation and a multitude of health problems. My personal symptoms caused a live or die moment and you can see what I did, choose life. You are going to have to find the strength to talk to someone about your symptoms if you ever want to start healing. It is tough, but it is a step all of us have had to take. Most of us lost people and stuff, but what we earned by living as our true selves more than made up for it. I hope by reading the stories about all of us you can find strength and resolve to confront your issue. You will find by the stories here you are by no far means alone in any of this. Please PM me after 15 postings if you need someone to talk to or just blow off some steam. Let us help you become more comfortable with yourself and us and we will give you the best guidance and personal experience we can. Let today be the first step in your journey.

Thank you Jessica 

[Edge]

It's great that your brother supports you. Who knows? Maybe more of your family will than you think. I was scared to come out to one of my religious friends, but she has turned out to be a huge support for me as has her equally religious family. Even if not, it is not worth living your life for other people. Especially not if they would make fun of you behind your back. That is their problem. Not yours.
If it makes you more comfortable, how about start with something small first like mentioning that you would rather wear guy clothes. You don't have to make any changes you don't want to.

I'll never be comfortable enough talking about this with anyone I know from school. Im also scared talking to a therapist or anything related to that due to past incidents  Ive been hospitalized for trying to suicide when I was younger and have this non social life.. (im not suicidal anymore) Even though im a very serious, self aware/confident looking person I doubt anyone will take me seriously due to the things Ive mentioned. I know gender dysphoria isnt too related but they will ask and figure it out eventually.
They probably wont even allow me to get on T.
Im so negative!

Apparently, you don't know this, but 42% of trans people attempt suicide. You're far from alone here and your history is not likely to get in your way.