One thing I have found over the years is a similarity in history between myself and others. Here are a few details about me. I began life as what can best be called a CDer myself. Short of some occasional dressing up in my childhood, I could say I started in earnest when I was about 14. That's when I got up the guts to buy some underwear which I wore under my clothes. Then it was jeans and tops. Then I topped it off with a wig. By the time I was 18 I was already living a secret life in the shadows, only coming out at night. I didn't know anything about "the community" or anyone else like me in the world. I just knew I was freakish and left it at that.
I tried a bunch of things to make it stop, tried to toughen myself up, I even tried religion (which I thankfully extracted myself from that very quickly). I tried to make a life for myself, but it kept getting worse. I even tried joining a CDing club thinking that a night out a week would be fine. What I found out was that for certain I was not a CD. I wasn't comfortable being a man or worse wearing a dress, makeup and a handbag hanging around with other CDers who were afraid to be outside because their lives would be over and wanting to talk about football in a dress. I wanted to be out and about, not just once in a while, but all the time. When I was in the club it was the first time in my I had ever met a TS in real life, and it was a wow moment for me. If I could have traded places with her I would have done it in an instant.
As a few more years passed I would buy some clothes and wear them at home, in the house. I had a perfect fix or so I thought, I would work myself to death. I worked long long hours, day after day, losing all of my social contacts in the process, but my gender didn't bother me or so I thought. In the end though, my little world came crashing down on me in 1999. That was when I had my meltdown. I can remember the day when I came to work, sat at my desk and literally felt like a zombie. People could have asked me questions that day but I didn't hear anything. It was as if I wasn't even alive. It was then I knew what I needed to do. But how? Up until then I figure that TS's were born with perfect bone structure and perfect figures. I had never stopped to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I said many of the same things, man I have a butt ugly face, what kind of ugly chick would I make? I have no figure and no a** what kind of chick looks like a broom handle?
It took me a little while to figure it out, surgical options, electrolysis, hormones, the standards of care. Off I went. There was scant little information in 1999. My guide back then was
tsroadmap.com which was nothing more than a few pages back then. The transitioning process is expensive with or without insurance. I will say this, you get out what you put in. If you don't put in much, then don't expect a favorable outcome. Even if SRS is covered by insurance, very little else will be, and that rest part? It's the tens of thousands of dollars. In the beginning this stuff all seems like mission impossible. It just can't be done. Telling doctors, endo, shrinks, surgeons...being poked and prodded like a lab animal for the ability to take hormone pills and have an operation. But so what, I did it and I'm still here to talk about it. Along the way I met a few other successfully transitioned transwomen, including even Marci Bowers before she took over for Dr Biber. I got great advice and kept my head screwed on straight, and came out the other end of the sex change sausage machine whole and complete.
My goal for myself was simple: I myself didn't want to be beautiful, I wanted to blend in and disappear in a crowd. That person that would never be suspected of being trans. That meant avoiding the spotlight and the attention of men (which is not easy when one is a woman). To me blending in involved lots of electrolysis, 2 rounds of surgery on my face (forehead, nose and trachea shave first) and (jaw reshaping second), teeth whitening and extreme teeth care (I wanted a nice smile), dermabrasion on my face (so that I could have a soft smooth complexion), hair care (growing out hair is a pain and takes a long time), facials, nail care and countless hours of voice training. In the end my goal was to be able to go out without wearing much makeup and without a lot of preparation needed. That's when I considered myself to be authentic.
So here I am today. I have been living full time as a female for somewhere around 15 years now and post-op 11 years. All of what I did confirmed a single truth I had suspected about me my entire life, that I should have been born a girl. My transition proved that to my satisfaction and left in place of a zombie man, a living breathing happy woman. Hope that helps!
