How do I talk to my parents about starting T?

[FindingJames]

My birthday is coming up and I would like to talk to my mother about starting T. I have been out for 2 years and she is getting better and more accepting with each day (although, she's not quite there yet). I am at an age where I am able to make this decision and most adults will take me seriously. I also know that if I did go to a therapist of some sort they would have no problem with determining that I am in fact trans. My only dilemma is that I do not know how to speak with my mother about starting hormones because 1. we never talk about serious issues, 2. we have never really talked about me being trans, and 3. I just don't know how to bring it up. I've read a bunch of information on how to go about talking to your parents and they all say to start out with something along the lines of, "Mom, I need talk talk to you about some problems I'm having" or "Can I talk to you?". That's just too awkward for me, and I know my mother would get really worried and I hate when she does that because it makes me feel very uncomfortable. So I guess what I'm asking is, do any of you have any ways of nonchalantly bringing the topic up? It could always get more serious as we go but I don't want it to be so dramatic from the start, you know? I already have points that I could bring up that I know might help to get her to be more open to the idea of letting me start T, but I just don't know how to get the conversation going. Any help would be great.

[Ryan55]

I went to a therapist first, told my mom I wanted to see one, cause I was having issues, I found a gender therapist and went to her first and then I came home and my mom was like how did it go, I go well I'm not crazy or gay but need to talk to you about something and from there I tried in my own words to explain I was transgender, that I want to be a guy and how sex and gender are two different things and how I researched it, I showed some youtube videos I found online explaining it also. I also said ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a boy, and my moms like I know, you only played with guy stuff but I thought you was just a tomboy. Here are two videos I showed my mom.



http://vimeo.com/album/2156556/video/75314149

Articles and videos online that I could find that was educational, my mom was willing to watch, my mom is against hormones because shes worried about the side effects, I eventually brought my mom to a therapist session with me and let the therapist explain to my mom about it, that kind of helped, I think as time passes, my mom becomes more accepting, she is willing to come with me and talk to the doctor about hormones in May, so hoping it goes well. Although my mom is having a hard time distinguishing butch lesbian and transgender, she can't figure out why I can't just be a butch lesbian and why I want to take hormones, its a lot to understand, so hoping time helps. SHe still calls me my legal name, but she doesn't give me a hard time about guy haircuts, clothes and products, so it all just takes time I guess. Hope this helped, its a tricky subject to get through to family

[FindingJames]

First off, I'd like to say good luck. I'm hoping all goes well with your mother.

My mother already knows that I'm trans, and she is really starting to understand that I'm not just going to go through life as a lesbian because that's not what I am. While she still uses my birth name and female pronouns, she has come a long way. I had to get a new doctor in late January/early February and she straight out told my new doctor that I'd like to be called James and have them use male pronouns. So the issue isn't really so much that I need her to understand that I'm trans or anything like that because I think she's got a pretty good grip on that. I just need to figure out a way to talk to her. I have trouble talking to anybody about my feelings but even more so with my mother. I feel weird going up to her and saying "Can I talk to you about something?" because then she is going to look at me and be all concerned. It's probably all in my head, but I just don't want to do that. She also gets really touchy-feely when we do talk about important things and that makes me really uncomfortable. I think that if I just kind of started off the conversation more relaxed and not so serious, we would both feel better...I wouldn't feel awkward and my mother wouldn't be so concerned. I already know exactly what I want to say to her and I'm pretty confident that I can convince her to start the process of getting me to start T, but I just need a way to bring up the conversation.

[Whynaut]

I think the best way to start it off easily is just jump in sometime. Say something like, "So how much do you know about the gender transition process?" or "Hey, what do you think my next step in gender transitioning should be?" or "Mom, I feel like I should think about starting some hormone therapy soon."

I totally understand not wanting to say, "I need to talk to you about something." That's how I came out to my brother and he thought I was going to say someone in the family was dying.

[FindingJames]

Thanks for the advice. I was thinking the same thing - just jumping right into the conversation instead of beating around the bush. I don't want to ask her what she thinks my next step should be because as far as she is concerned, I shouldn't transition at all. So I think I'm just going to say "Mom, I want to start taking testosterone" and go from there. Now I just need to get her alone which is going to be tough because my step father is always hanging around her and I know he would just pick on me if he overheard our conversation. This is so nerve wracking. But I know it needs to get out there if I want anything to change. And I'm so glad you understand what I mean about not wanting to say something like "I need to talk to you". I've tried to explain this to other people and they don't really understand it. I know that if I said something like that to her she would automatically jump to the worst conclusion and I don't want to start the conversation off like that. But anyway, thanks again for your advice.

[Whynaut]

Yeah, I came out to my mom by saying there was something I needed to tell her. She actually thought I was coming out as a lesbian instead, haha.

I like the truthful, blunt approach. Especially if it's something you don't want to get too dramatic about, because starting with "I need to talk to you about something," just oozes with potential drama. It is really nerve-wracking. Pick a day where she is feeling fine, nothing too big is happening, take a deep breath, and just force yourself to start talking. :]