An incident in the women's restroom with me...

[Shana-chan]

Today, after I got to the grocery store I had to use the women's restroom. I've gone in there probably around 10 times now with no incident/problem so far till after I had to go back to the restroom to wash something off my hands. While doing so, one of the employees (A cashier/bagger to be exact) who I'd spoken too before (Only spoke, she knows nothing about me) came in and started talking to another person who I think was another employee with me present. She said "That's a boy." twice since I don't think the girl heard her the first time. The girl who was told this said "That's a boy?" since she believed me to be a female (She'd be correct) Well when I finished washing my hands I exited the bathroom which the employee who said this had already done moments before but the girl who had been told this exited in front of me. I pretended I didn't hear or see them but saw the girl was looking at me while trying to hide she was looking at me. Nothing more happen except mins later there was a page on the intercom asking someone to go to the women's restroom so I am guessing they might have had a chat with a higher up about me...

The entire time I was hurt, depressed and worried I might get in trouble/arrested just for being born in the wrong body. T^T (I still worry that'll happen with a future visit whether I use the restroom or not) I later also got mad because of how this world always does this to me, always misgenders and treats me like a male even though I'm out full time now and can easily pass as female. Needless to say, me grocery shopping trip was ruined (Usually I enjoy it) and thank God no incident like being arrested happened to me but now I'm going to try and avoid the restroom in that place for a while as well as avoid that employee...

Anyway, here I am, sharing my story because I have no one to tell/talk too whose going through what I'm going through and because I am still very hurt by this incident. So hurt, thoughts of suicide happened to me because of this incident and it worries me..

[Jessica Merriman]

A carry letter from your therapist would ease your mind a lot. See if they will provide you with one so if something did happen you would be in a good position legally. If you need someone to talk to, just PM me anytime. I will listen and try to help you out.

[asheriko35]

it can lead to an arrest?

[Jessica Merriman]

It all depends on what country you are in and local laws. A carry letter verifies you are under going transition and gives some protection depending on if your country accepts them. It lets them know you have a right to use the appropriate restroom, locker room or other gender appropriate area and shows you are in there for the right reasons.

[JoanneB]

Grocery stores tend to be owned by very big corporations. Very big corporations tend to have hire expensive lawyers and HR people. Lawyers and HR people tend to say we need a diversity/non-discrimination policy. The diversity/non-discrimination policies tend to include gender expression these days. Violating said policy can lead to all sorts of misery up to and including dismissal.

Bullies have power because you give it away. She was being a bully. You felt bad afterwards. A minimally non-confrontational way of addressing the issue would have been a talk with the store manager, or maybe not as effective (as in go no where), the front end manager. I can totally see trying to bring the issue up with the girl in question will not get you anywhere besides turning it around on to you.

Plan B - Well I know of plenty of cis women also accused of the same.

[suzifrommd]

it can lead to an arrest?

I've been reading Susan's for nearly two years. I've never heard of anyone getting arrested related to bathroom use.

She was being a bully. You felt bad afterwards. A minimally non-confrontational way of addressing the issue would have been a talk with the store manager, or maybe not as effective (as in go no where), the front end manager.

I'm with Joanne here. "I felt very insulted when one of your employees called me a boy", is enough. You don't even need to mention that it happened in the rest room (which is actually beside the point. Calling a girl a boy is insulting and antisocial wherever it happens.).

[jgood]

Basing judgement solely on looks is wrong. They have no way of saying whether a butch woman or effeminate man needs to use a certain restroom, whats next separate bathrooms for height or hair color?. Granted it may have made them feel a little uncomfortable but for them to even ask would have been a major invasion of privacy. In my opinion id say brush it off (I understand its difficult) but you were in the right....and as the old saying goes "when you gotta go, you gotta go". Dont let a little false judgement get you down

[Shana-chan]

A carry letter from your therapist would ease your mind a lot. See if they will provide you with one so if something did happen you would be in a good position legally.

Luckily I'm now seeing someone who might can give me a carry letter but I have my concerns about this person as some red flags were present but that's for the therapy forum and a future thread I'll either create in a bit..

EDIT, created it.

Oh, as to your other post, don't suppose there's a handy dandy list of what states accept carry letters is there? lol

I've been reading Susan's for nearly two years. I've never heard of anyone getting arrested related to bathroom use.

I'm with Joanne here. "I felt very insulted when one of your employees called me a boy", is enough. You don't even need to mention that it happened in the rest room (which is actually beside the point. Calling a girl a boy is insulting and antisocial wherever it happens.).

There is always a first and I am sure it's happened, even if no one said it happened on this site.

Basing judgement solely on looks is wrong.

Well, remember I did say I can pass as a woman and 9/10 times no problem in the woman's restroom till that day and also the employee in question I'd spoken with but she doesn't know me. Well, though I can pass appearance wise, my voice is another matter. Yup, the only thing I can think of is she based it on my voice. (It's why I dislike speaking, coughing, sneezing etc. in public) That's another reason why me going to the owner of the store and risking them asking me for proof/I.D. is something I wouldn't have done.

So one view is she was being a bully, another is she was concerned and wanted to make sure nothing bad happened while a supposed "boy" was in the women's restroom. Also, saying it out in the open like she did is the odd part. I mean she said it in a calm voice as if she wasn't surprised, she didn't confront me and only said it to the woman near me in the bathroom from 2-5 feet between them. One thing that may explain how she went about it was safety but if that was the case she would have gotten the woman's attention by tapping her and whispering it in her ear or some other secretive way. After all, why risk their life like that? 2 vs. 1 maybe means she wasn't concerned but still. I don't know whether she was being a bully or just concerned but it is odd she left moments prior to my and the woman's departure from the restroom.

Well I know of plenty of cis women also accused of the same.

Can someone remind me what a cis woman/cis man is and what a none cis woman/none cis man is again? I forget but I think it's one of two things and I think the other term/title was none cis or is it something else?

[suzifrommd]

Can someone remind me what a cis woman/cis man is and what a none cis woman/none cis man is again? I forget but I think it's one of two things and I think the other term/title was none cis or is it something else?

Cisgender is the opposite of transgender. Someone whose gender identity matches their physical sex. I.e. the other 99.7% of the population.

[Shana-chan]

Cisgender is the opposite of transgender. Someone whose gender identity matches their physical sex. I.e. the other 99.7% of the population.

Ah, thank you, was a bit confused. Btw, I don't think it's 99.7% of the population being cisgender, I believe transgender is a LOT bigger of a population than that. lol Anyway, is there a term/title for people who aren't transgender/transsexual/IS and who are like example, a woman but their appearance looks like a male even though they have female body parts and it's only appearance and same with the case for boys who look like girls using same example?

[Rachel]

Sorry you had and issue. I understand you being depressed about it. I think the employee was rude and the actions caused you, a customer, discomfort. The manager either by e-mail, note or conversation needs to know.

[Eva Marie]

I've been reading Susan's for nearly two years. I've never heard of anyone getting arrested related to bathroom use.

Suzi - it has happened. I remember a case that I think happened in Houston Texas where a transgender woman got taken to jail for being in the "wrong" bathroom. It depends on the state you live in and what the local prevailing attitude is about transgender people that will determine what happens if you have a run in with the cops over a bathroom issue. Here where I live in California I just go and don't worry about it, but in some other less accepting states I would hesitate.