Stuck in a dark tunnel looking for the light. How did you find it?

[Ltl89]

Hello all,

I'm terribly sorry for this annoying post, but I'm really struggling with my transition and feel lost.  I've come to a standstill and feel very stuck and trapped.  All the things I've dreamed of one day being able to achieve now almost seem impossible and more like a fantasy (I.e Being accepted as female in society, passing/blending fairly well, looking somewhat pretty, getting the acceptance of family, finding a good and stable job where I can succesfully transition, finding new social circles where I can be myself, one day finding someone who can love me for me and perhaps most important the ability to accept, love and embrace myself).   All these things were hopes that I had as I proceeded with my transition, but now almost all of them, as well as my life itself, is in doubt.  Now that I'm considering my current reality and ability to succeed, I'm wonder how much of these things will ever be possible for me. Forget the fantasy and the leap of faith that I took when I started, I'm left with cold hard facts about how challenging going forward and trying to overcome the struggles actually will be now that it's getting time to take action.  And sadly, there is no guarantee that these struggles can or will be overcome even if I really hope or want that to be so.  I once thought I could make these things come true, but now that it's coming time to stop dreaming and start living I realize just how hard and impossible making these positive changes or overcoming these challeges really will be.  It's no more, "in a few months I'll be able to....." and now more "in a couple of weeks from now I'm really going to have to face my biggest fears".   Sure, I've overcome some stuff and made some decent progress in my transition, but now some of the biggest challenges are here and it's coming time to try and make the dream into a reality.  I've always said full time in the summer of 2014 and hell that's pretty much here. And having recently been called a ->-bleeped-<- and laughed at when I tried walking out the door as me only makes me feel more doubt that I'm going to be ready. I've begun to regress further rather than progress after that day. It's overwhelming me to the point where I just want to give up, yet I know that isn't possible because given up on my transition equals a permanent end to my existence.   

In any case, I realize these doubts and fears aren't necessarily reflective of reality and are more about my poor outlook and inability to overcome things.  I realize there are many people that once stood where I stand today. Those who were in such bad shape that they were almost ready to take their life rather than deal with being trans.  I guess I'm writing here in order to learn from those who once were in that stage. This thread isn't so much about me or those who transitioned with almost relative ease emotionally or physically, but rather my desire to tlearn from those of you who struggled with emotional issues while transitioning. Therefore, for those who have been in a similar spot before stepping forward, how did you get out of this?  Seriously, what did you do and how did you make it work?  I understand confidence and all that helps, but how did you acquire it?  How did you stop caring about what other people think of you?  How do you get passed the name calling, laughing or just bad feelings people held towards you when you started?   Really, any tips or suggestions to help those who feel like lost souls would be appreciated.   Believe me, I really want to make it and I realize that I'm frustrating so many people by posting these things, but I really don't know how to get passed these roadblocks. I'm almost looking for the "hooked on phonics" or "transitioning for dummies" guide to get passed the "omg this is for real, I'm going to go full time pretty damn soon and will need to face the music".  I realize that doesn't exist, but anything that will help prepare myself for what feels like the impossible is appreciated. 

It would be nice to hear from those who changed there situation and found a way to make it work.  I'm looking more for those who felt they were better off dead than being trans and or transitioning only to make it out of the tunnel to bask in the light.  Even if you have no suggestions, sharing your story may and  explaining how one made it out of the darkness into the light can perhaps offer some encouragement and hope that I currently lack. 

Again, sorry for being so annoying and frustrating with this stuff.  Honestly, I don't intend to be.  But please, I'm looking more for inspiration and advice that worked for others.  I really want to hear about you and how you made it rather than focus on me and my failures.  In a way, that might help me find what I am looking for.  Thanks.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

So in a sense you want to go full time but you dont feel ready to do it?

Well I was in that kind of situation, I would constantly think about ft and why I cant do it , my fears etc I was really anxious...
until I thought...screw full time, im gonna be myself if people cant see it then its their fault...
What im trying to say is that ft is a reaaaaally big change , I want it to come naturally rather than having to work on it , as I said it is an anxious proccess after all...

I think about it like this,,, if a random girl leaves the house in male clothing and wears no make up she will still get gendered female all time...
thats what im planning to achieve , to naturally become a girl...I know many will disagree but I really dont wanna feel like working on being myself,cause I am myself already... the only thing left is for me and others to see this self on the outside,
if that day never comes , then I will have a sad life , if it comes I ll have a happy one...its that simple for me I ll accept whats going to happen.



Also I really think that having accepting friends will help you overcome your fears a lot , it has certainly helped me.

[Evelyn K]

I'm going about this by being brutally honest with myself with each feedback milestone I reach for passability.

If I'm turning passable and the feedback (real world, not cheerleading) I'm receiving corroborates this, then great. If I don't seem to be pulling it off, then I'm going to settle at the level I've achieved and moderate my expectations and lifestyle thusly. I'm going to cut my losses and save myself the grief and angst fighting a losing battle.

Because I want to live and value my life no matter what - I have to. I'll know, at the least, I tried. And move onwards.

[Ltl89]

I guess what I'm asking is how did those of us who once felt helpless and unable to make it actually push through and suceed.  Those that were in doubt that they'd actually live a happy and successful life.  Those who struggled with being trans and coming out to people  Those who didn't believe in themselves and we're terrified about going full time.  Like how did these people accomplish push through.  I'm looking to hear from people in this camp.  There are some of us that are really proud and strong people, but that isn't what I am.  I kind of want to see how people like me were able to make it despite there weaknesses and struggles.  How did they overcome it and get passed the fears of everything?  And even if they have no tips, at the very least it would be nice to hear their stories.  The fact that they made it through.  It's just that I'm so afraid and uncertain about everything, I just kind of want to know how to overcome it or at the very least know that it will be possible.  Sorry, I know I'm an annoying and frustrating person, it's just I want to overcome this, but I don't know if I can or how I'm going to do this.  Yet, my therapist and I planned on me going full time i June.  That's really soon.  I got to get passed this somehow, and I'm desperate for any tips or at least inspiration from others that were similar to me.

So in a sense you want to go full time but you dont feel ready to do it?

Well I was in that kind of situation, I would constantly think about ft and why I cant do it , my fears etc I was really anxious...
until I thought...screw full time, im gonna be myself if people cant see it then its their fault...
What im trying to say is that ft is a reaaaaally big change , I want it to come naturally rather than having to work on it , as I said it is an anxious proccess after all...

I think about it like this,,, if a random girl leaves the house in male clothing and wears no make up she will still get gendered female all time...
thats what im planning to achieve , to naturally become a girl...I know many will disagree but I really dont wanna feel like working on being myself,cause I am myself already... the only thing left is for me and others to see this self on the outside,
if that day never comes , then I will have a sad life , if it comes I ll have a happy one...its that simple for me I ll accept whats going to happen.



Also I really think that having accepting friends will help you overcome your fears a lot , it has certainly helped me.

I agree that I want to be seen as a girl regardless of what I wear.  that's kind of my goal too.  However, I'm starting to feel my goals are unrealistic and that I may never really achieve what I wanted to when I started out.  I can't live up to my expectations and I don't feel able to even try unless they are already met. 

I'm going about this by being brutally honest with myself with each feedback milestone I reach for passability.

If I'm turning passable and the feedback (real world, not cheerleading) I'm receiving corroborates this, then great. If I don't seem to be pulling it off, then I'm going to settle at the level I've achieved and moderate my expectations and lifestyle thusly. I'm going to cut my losses and save myself the grief and angst fighting a losing battle.

Because I want to live and value my life no matter what - I have to. I'll know, at the least, I tried. And move onwards.

I appreciate that.  However, for me, it feels like an all or nothing situation.  I either transition successfully or that's it.  I realize that I do have a future and I can make it through, but I don't feel like I have one either way because of all the hardships both present. 

[Evelyn K]

I want a girlfriend that's a 10+ on the hotness scale, but I probably need to be more realistic, so why make it a do or die proposition? I can accept a 7. 

I would remain realistic after careful consideration of what's at all possible and take the risks I know I can afford. This goes for every facet of my life. Work at it a bit, but temper my expectations. Counseling is an option, I would even accept a prescription to help me overcome and re-frame my mind if otherwise.

I'm just not going to allow myself to fall into a downward spiral through the rabbit hole of wishful thinking, the collateral damage to my well being (wrists?) would be greater. It's just not worth it.

[JulieBlair]

Hi, Transitioning is not for anyone who can reasonably live any other way. I am going full time in May.  For me that means work, the rest of the world knows me as I am.  I live in Seattle, and so pretty much am accepted and I'm not a kid so am given some deference.  Still I don't always pass, but I haven't been clocked or called nasty names for almost a year. You may have to move to be accepted.  There are places in this country where not being hetro-normal and natal gendered will subject you to harassment and even attack. 
Neither you nor I created the darkness neither did we construct the tunnel of fear and despair that you and sometimes I suffer in.  You are in exactly the right place reaching out.  Cismen and ciswomen still often just don't and some can't get it.  We are beautiful and worthy of respect and love, and if you can't go there at least human dignity.
Please remember to breathe, remember that you have a right to your identity as you perceive it to be, and most importantly you have a right to live authentically no matter how blind anyone choses to be.
So what have I done when despair surrounds me?  After crying, I fix up my make up, call a girlfriend and go have coffee, bitch a little, and get affirmed.  I cannot control other peoples prejudices, but I sure as heck don't have to let them destroy me.
I am a woman, no matter if I'm wearing Carharts or lace, and no matter what anybody else sees or says.  Who knows maybe I scare em.
Love to you my sister,
Julie

[Ms Grace]

Now that I'm considering my current reality and ability to succeed, I'm wonder how much of these things will ever be possible for me. Forget the fantasy and the leap of faith that I took when I started, I'm left with cold hard facts about how challenging going forward and trying to overcome the struggles actually will be now that it's getting time to take action.  And sadly, there is no guarantee that these struggles can or will be overcome even if I really hope or want that to be so.  I once thought I could make these things come true, but now that it's coming time to stop dreaming and start living I realize just how hard and impossible making these positive changes or overcoming these challeges really will be.

Congrats, this is a very important step. The more grounded in reality your transition the more successful it will be and the more you'll be able to accept the unfortunate fact that there are limitations regardless.

I didn't find the light during my first attempt at transition. It ate me up and spat me out. Trying to pass in (what I believed was) gender neutral clothing inevitably got me misgendered. Thing is that most women still dress and present in a particular way when going neutral or andro. Plus their features, secondary sexual characteristics and mannerisms are usually feminine enough to make it abundantly clear they are women. Even so, a lesbian friend of mine who has the most feminine face still got misgendered when she cut her hair short, because she had a slim physique and wore maleish clothing. So yeah, a bunch of brats called you out, it is devastating, I know, but the take away from that is "what can I change to make gender neutral more natural, more passable?" I wish I'd thought to do that back then...to get proactive, stop wallowing in my own self-pity and actually do something that would make a difference instead of sitting at home full of doubt, hating myself and the world, and crying myself to sleep. I didn't and my transition stopped dead, probably only a few months short of going full time. Stopped for over twenty years.

Did I find the light this time? I guess so, I've gone full time and it is working, even in jeans and simple clothes. I'm very happy with progress! But for me that "light" was stopping the self-pity, stopping the over analysis, to stop caring what everyone else thinks, being proactive about finding solutions to my problems and physical shortcomings, refusing to take "no" for an answer. I'm not a cis woman, never will be...I'm a trans woman and need to find creative ways of dealing with that and passing.

I've said it to you before, confidence is the key. How you get it won't be how I got it, and I hope you can find it within yourself in a lot less time than the twenty years it took me!

[Nero]

Even so, a lesbian friend of mine who has the most feminine face still got misgendered when she cut her hair short, because she had a slim physique and wore maleish clothing.

Yep, it happens. When we were teenagers, my sister (who has a gorgeous feminine face btw) got misgendered at a restaurant after she had her hair cut. She burst into tears and I went off on the waitress. It happens and sometimes cis people are hurt over it as well. But Mattie, you are a beautiful girl just like my sister. Don't let some jerks get you down. It really doesn't mean anything. My sister was gorgeous and very feminine and got misgendered. Because she had short hair (which looked awesome with her features btw). It hurts for the moment. But there are many affirming moments to come. You really are a beautiful young woman inside and out. You have only to come out of your shell and let people see you.



Baby steps. You'll get there honey. Just keep going. One step at a time. "the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step". And we're all here for you.

[crowcrow223]

Learningtolive, I was in this position, where I was extremely terrified to go out as me at the very beginning when I had to go out and pass... Basically, get clothes that make you feel both comfortable and glad to look at, I suggest well fitted clothes, it will add onto how confident you feel in general. Start training your voice, with whichever training program you want. Hair extensions can add both length and volume to your hair, making you look more feminine. Clever makeup, eye-enlargening contact lenses, tucking and stuffing your breasts (it itself may help to balance out your proportions if You've got wide arms, boobies will help kind of balance it out)

Mental preparation is important, plan what you gonna wear, think about what you gonna have to do, and... good luck!

[Joanna Dark]

Yeah, cis women with short hair and male clothing will get misgendered. Just because you're born female, doesn't mean you get sprinkled with some magical fairy dist where you look gorgeous at all times and simply look great. I've had one friend, my BFF from college, like that. And she's drop dead gorgeous. But, there are plenty of women who can, do and will get misgendered; it happens. In fact, the more society becomes aware of trans issues and being trans, the more cis women prolly get misgendered, which I imagine is horrid for a cis woman. Prolly more so than a trans woman, simply because it is out of the blue and devastating since society places so much emphasis on female = pretty...or else. It's a ->-bleeped-<-ty thing and it has to end. It's just like the whole bossy thing but unless it happens to you it just seems PC. But it's not.

I don't know what to say about the passing situation and all, but you have to give it time. Also, why June? Why not November? it seems so arbitrary. This isn't a race to see who can look as pretty and female as possible the fastest without any effort. If you're feling this way, maybe you should push back the FT date. Therapists are human and they don't know everything. The first therpaist I told I was trans when I was 18 proceeded to try and have sex with me. So, they're very fallible. It happened to my this girl I was seeing, kinda too--from the same therapist. I always thought she was a lesbian cause I couldn't think of one reason why she would date me, and it turns out I was right...today she's as butchy as they come. I miss her.

But, what did these people say? I'm so so sorry this happened to you.

[Rachel]

LTL, hugs,

I do not have RLE but have read some great advise and bookmarked this page for future reference.

Why June 1 for FT? If you are not ready then why no start on June 1st. I was thinking, can you drive to the next town and gain lesions learned experience?

Do you have any support networks like group or an ally? Can you dress for group or with an ally?

I have been practicing voice for a year and I will ask my therapist her opinion on next steps. Vocal fold is an opinion but I am not ready.

When I was in my early 20's I had long hair, tight pants and fitted shirts. I had male relationships and flings. I wanted to transition. I got called a lot of names at college in public with a lot of people there. I got called names at another college where I would go for their great engineering library. My brother and brother in law called me names. I eventually folded with a breakdown and began drinking heavy. I did not face my gender. I absorbed all the negatives into my personality and believed them. My gender therapist had me relive those memories and put a different ending on them. We did it several times. Then we practiced responses to bigotry; how I would respond.

Do not stack issues, it seams too much to handle. In reality each item is addressable but not as a lump. Live for today, tomorrow will be taken care of tomorrow.

[sam79]

Before going FT, I was terrified. For months prior to that, I was doing the andro run. The amount of stares and comments I received was seriously getting me down. Somehow I thought presenting overtly feminine was going to be harder and worse than appearing androgynous.

Wow I was wrong. One going full time, no more stares, and so much fewer issues. And it didn't take long to just relax and feel totally comfortable. Yes, it took a little effort and courage, but looking back, it was nothing. Actually it wasn't even a decision. I got to the point where I couldn't present male ( or andro ) to the world.

I still occasionally get clocked by those creepy guys who check out every woman that walks by, but my confidence trumps whatever noises they make. And FFS should fix that.

Many others have already commented, as have I. You physically pass better than I do, still. The fears and anxiety are only there until you jump. Much easier on the other side .

[innainka]

Hey,

I will not tell you that it will be easier, it will not!

However, what I can tell you is that, what many see the transition as a single path from male visual appearance to female, isn't a full picture.
In fact I have long abandoned the term it self, transition doesn't exist for me. I know of two events in my life, death of He, and resurrection of She.
Besides the physical aspects to the rebirth there is a deeper, more fundamental awakening, that of spiritual being.
The pain and suffering brings us to open our eyes, for many, for the first time in their existence will they truly awaken to the reality of SELF.

The path is treacherous bordering on impossible, for to truly abandon deceit and denial one must walk through gates of hell, with hope of possibly emerging on the other side, free at last of the guilt and anguish of conformity.
Yet conformity will always remain in somewhat measure as we are a social creatures who seek congruity and acceptance.
And it is the issue of acceptance that poses so much darkness to trans folks.

Now, I do not know how old you are, but if old enough, in order to reclaim sanity of daily life I would strongly advise FFS.
Until then, one remains a trans person and depending on the immediate environment, some pressure is always present.

Simple equation, if one does not convince their environment of their innate womanhood, then they will always be looked at as Trans. Sadly, even in the most advanced cultures, such remains to be out of norm, and labels are usually assigned.

It is a slow progress, but with perseverance everything is possible, I know, as I my self stared death in the eye, and she welcomed me with open arms, serene and unusually calming moment I will never forget. Yet I had been given a choice, choice I had made, and here I am. There was one promise made to me then. the words I heard "I shall always be with you, so never despair". Well I do despair from time to time, what can I say, I am a human, but I hear the encouragement over and over again. And I pick my self of my knees and stand again.

Suicide unlike many who never experienced the need, isn't something for anyone to judge. Only the one who's pain is so severe and means to an end are only option, this is their choice and their path, but at least for me, I had been given the choice in making.

When this choice was presented i understood that is didn't remove pain from my life, in fact it had opened my eyes to it, I felt the raw soreness the grit, the texture of each and every painful moment, but also I have been given the new sight, love, love became the beacon I follow, I sip from, I awake to.

I hope you can see the light of love, but it isn't somewhere out there, but inside of you, you already have it all, all it takes is, to brake the seal of ego and understand that you can do nothing without love.

[sam79]

Now, I do not know how old you are, but if old enough, in order to reclaim sanity of daily life I would strongly advise FFS.

Have you seen her photos? If LTL needs FFS, then so do 80% of cis women too.

[Cindy]

Believe it or not I struggled so much with this.
Now, I am an extremely strong woman who is on the public stage who literally stands up and proudly presents as a woman who was formerly a trans*woman. I do so for my sisters and brothers who struggle against the ignorance of society.

How did I get there?

Me, a suicidal depressed drunk who couldn't deal with living, who hid and tried so hard to blend into neutrality.

I became totally selfish, I am the most important human being in the universe, I do deserve my life. I do deserve my right as a woman to live my life as I wish. People who deny that are denying my right to existence; they do not have that right.

LtL you are a sensitive young woman who has her right to be you, to be proud, to be human, to be. No one can deny that, they can express a foolish opinion, which is just that; foolish.

So we look in the mirror, we smile at ourselves, we tell ourselves we are good looking women, we stand tall and we walk with pride ignoring anyone who contradicts that. Yes we do develop an armour and every time someone hits it it hurts them, not us.

I smile at them at let them wallow in their problem.

Their problem is not mine anymore.

I am Cindy, a wonderful, proud happy woman.

And LtL so are you.

Hugs

[antonia]

Confidence is usually reserved for those that are old and wise and those with overinflated egos.

The rest of us just fake it, every single one of us has a scared little girl inside but somehow we find the courage to venture out the door.

I know I don't even come close to passing but I would rather go out as a girl and take the occasional drive-by verbal abuse than give up on the girl and fall back into depression.

Going out knowing that you might get clocked takes a lot of courage, take if from someone that has done everything from jumping off mountains to freediving.

To sum up, don't assume people are confident by birth, confidence and courage are built not given.

[JoanneB]

LTL, I feel your pain as I have lived it twice before a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away called Bayonne. Prob about the same age you are. My first attempt was not long after college when I was 22. With a negative self-esteem, next to no chance of passing at 6ft fall in a world of 5'4" women. Plus we are talking 1978 here. Not exactly an accepting time. So I chucked any idea of transitioning, got married instead. Buried myself in my career, drank heavily. Divorced a year later. Amazingly getting married did not cure me.  After that fiasco, I experimented with transitioning again once again getting the same results. Chucked that idea again after finding a g/f that was accepting of my "hobby". Three years later dumped because not being like like most guys only got me so far. She wanted a "Real Man".

I spent the next three plus decades using Distractions, Diversions, and some Denial to get buy. Plus a little of keeping the dream, as well as Joanne, alive with the occasional CD'ing. In other words, I only wished some miracle may happen. Never did. Nor did I do anything else about being trans. At least not untill once again my life went into the crapper.

So, in case you were wondering what happens if you don't do anything about being trans, you start to shut off a big part of your self, your essence. In effect you slowly die inside thanks to the putrification as your soul dies from not being fed.

I guess when you know for sure that the pain you are in is and will continue to be far greater then the pain of taking on the trans beast is how you motivate yourself. Motivation can only carry you so far along the journey. Without preparing for it will make it far more difficult, if not impossible. A good part of that preparation is working on your self.

It did not take a rocket scientist to see that my #1 issue has always been self esteem, which served as great foundation for many other issues. Being trans is brutal on one's self esteem growing up. Shame and guilt love the ride along.

For me, I was able to slowly build up my self esteem only after first casting off Shame, followed by Guilt. That took a lot of work, and still does. If it weren't for a couple of amazing members of my TG support group I'd still be back where I was 6-7 years ago in a no-man's land. Or, more likely dead from alcohol poisoning.

Shame and guilt will readily blind you to reality. They will only reinforce every negative emotion you feel. They also set you for failure with the idealized set of pre-conditions that need to be met before you can suceed w/o shame or guilt.

With little shame and guilt I was now free to feel alive being out in the real world as the real me. Gone was the dark cloud of "Some Guy in a Dress" that previously hung over me. The joy of those moments are what help me carry on.

True, I may never transition to f/t. Simply because of all the hard work I've been doing to accept me for who I am. To feel I do deserve the many great things that fill my life, not just the horrific things. I know, or mostly know, I do want to transition. Fear and Shame do hold me back. The practical reasons at this point in my life more so.

[kathyk]

LTL.  Is your transition worth all that it cost?  And is the woman inside you enough for the transition to continue?  I can't answer those questions, but I know you'll make the right decision. 

I'll let you in on a secret.  My life isn't much better than yours.  At least once a week I wonder if I'd be better off dead, and at least once a month I think about killing myself.  I know so many of you on Susan's somehow believe I'm solid in this life, and that very few things really bother me.  But in truth the loss of my family and the damage I've done bothers me terribly, and that can never be repaired.  I cry about my son not wanting to see me again, and thinking of it just now brought tears.  Also knowing that I may never again see my grandson rips through my heart, and there will likely be future grandchildren I'll never see.  It's not worth mentioning everything else that's disappearing, so I'll leave this saying that my life is ->-bleeped-<-ty also, and for some reason I still go on.  I guess I've found more reasons to continue, than reasons to end it.

I started real HRT a little less than two years ago, but I'd been taking things to change my body for 20 plus years.  For me there's no stopping, and no turning back.  So it's down to finishing what was started, and hoping for the best outcome. 

I hope this weird contradiction in life doesn't make you all think I'm unhappy, because happiness and joy fills most of my time.  But I'm not ashamed to admit to having faults and failures.   

K

[meganB]

When I was young (somewhere between 13-14) I was at a point of attempting suicide. I coudn't live as a boy and I didn't know about being trans* so I saw no way out. I didn't attemp suicide because it it hurted to much to think that my mother and friends whould deal with the grief of losing me. Talked to my mother and friends and they somewhat helped me get back up (though I hid the real reason).

When I was 19 I still was in the same dark tunnel with no end in sight. I was living on my own and studying. It felt horrible wrong and at a certain point everything collapsed. Because of that I saw an interview of an transgirl and that got me started, that was the light that I saw at the end of the tunnel. After 2 years I came out to my mother and went to trans* youth meetings. After some time I started coming out. In the progress of doing so I made new friends (both trans* and cis) and the friends I had became better friends to best friends. They and my mother supported me and helped me starting transitioning (going out as female, even though I wasn't on the hormones and I can tell you I didn't pass).

Thanks to my mother and good friends that supported me (and in the case of my best girlfriend who dragged me out xD) I finaly exited the dark tunnel last year (I was 22 then, about 7 months before I started HRT) and have been living FT ever since.

Even today they support me and thanks to them I can live the way I want.

[Eva Marie]

I guess what I'm asking is how did those of us who once felt helpless and unable to make it actually push through and suceed.

For me it wasn't courage or anything valiant or admirable like that - it was survival. It all came down to a simple choice between pushing through and succeeding, or pushing up daises. I was very firmly on the way to pushing up daises without making this change in my life.

To be honest it's still not an easy choice. Some days I'm full of courage and damn the torpedoes. Other days I'm not quite as sure but I still stay the course. On a very few hard days this just flattens me and I feel like staying in bed all day, and I wonder if this is all a big mistake. All of these feelings are pretty normal from what I've read here. But I'm a strong girl and I keep pushing on through, doing what I need to do to stay alive and create a new me.

Until I got to my breaking point I would have never taken steps to transition because I didn't have the courage or the reason to transition. The cost has been staggering, far more than I ever envisioned. But once I finally broke I was willing to pay that price.

Transitioning is not for everyone, and I'm glad to see that you are putting some thought into whether or not this step makes sense for you. Never feel bad about taking time to carefully consider such a drastic step in your life.

If you ever do reach your breaking point like me the decision will be obvious.