Interesting word, this "choice". This becomes a great word to discuss because of how broadly it can and is interpreted. When someone says "I had no choice", it does not mean, to me, that they literally had no choice, it means that the choice they picked was their best choice. So much so that any other choice would seem stupid.
If in fact only one option is available, that is not a choice and is indeed a rare event. When someone says, "I had to transition, I had no choice", they don't mean there was literally no other choice. Of course they could have chosen not to. And with that choice they get the consequences of that choice. So when someone says, "I had no choice", it's a metaphor meaning that it was the best choice for them at the time. Not everyone is going to see things that way.
When I went full time I had a choice. I could have tried to live without killing myself. I don't think it would have worked and we would not be having this nice little chat. I could have tried to keep my male face on, but to be honest I just had no desire what so ever to do so. I really preferred death to the life I was living. For me the choice was to live or die. I chose to live, even if it were hard.
How is it that others don't go full time the instant they can? Simple, they are not compelled by the life and death choice that I faced. It was not some proud moment in my life. It was the hardest time ever in my life. To finally say that "no matter what?, I am living as a woman from now on", carried huge consequences, not just for me, but for my kids, my siblings and even my exwife. It had nothing to do with personal preference or what I would have liked to do. It was a traumatic event.
If a person can steer their life into transition and not have to have the turmoil I had, I am all for it. It don't matter if it takes a few months or even a few years. I would love to have been able to guide everyone down this path instead of blazing a trail, which is much more accurate, as to what has occurred. Yeah, that baggage? Take your time and unpack it, there is stuff in there you will need. It's a tough row to hoe with no tools.
We can not choose who and what we are, but we can choose how we approach it, at least sometimes. I know there will always be those of you like me who are compelled by circumstance, but if you are not compelled, there is nothing wrong with acting with deliberate action. I do not believe that everything must be done the instant it can be. Sometimes it pays to look before we leap.
Love always,
Elizabeth
