Its been a while since my last vent thread and I feel it's time again... Bleh... Who'd be me? lol
I believe the catalyst for this morning's bad mood is the fact that I'm totally disorganised... It's my own fault. I was slack getting out of bed, taking an extra 20 mins before I bothered rolling out for breakfast and THAT left me behind the 8 ball.
Somehow I managed to get everything I needed to done, even if I had to flee for the train w/ my hair still wet and my boots untied... lol
Anyway, what it leaves me with that I am ranting about now is a certain minor, creeping panic I can feel swirling inside me like so much acrid cigar smoke...
I think about how I'm gonna get called "man, he, dude" and how I'm actually finding it offensive these days, even if when people look at me in my workplace disguise, that is what they will see. My feminine traits and affect mistaken for male homosexual expression, but I guess I will have to wear that for now, in the name of safety. :/
I think about how when I finished shaving this morning, I could STILL see the shadow of facial hair under my skin. At this stage I shave every day because I can't stand to have facial hair at all anymore.
Unfortunately, I have this curse under my skin, mocking me at all times. Every time I look into a mirror and I look down my face, scanning past the increasingly less faint lines in forehead (which I'm okay with), down to my big, admittedly quite pretty eyes (
) along my slightly kinked nose (which needs to be fixed having received an elbow years ago), but it's when we go south of the nose that the trauma begins...
Dat shadow that never leaves anymore...
This is only a recent phenomena and it's making it even harder to look in a mirror than it was before.... I miss at least being androgynous!
In turn, that makes me think of the prohibitive cost of hair removal as well as the prohibitive cost of this whole operation... I have a bit of money aside, but I've been costing all of this and it sinks the fragile sense of hope that a future as a woman gives me.
I need to be patient though... I want to do this right," and I'll pay extra if I need to to get everything done right, as it's ultimately my life and my appearance that is on the line here. As you would all know yrselves - this is no game.
So patience, patience... Want to get steered towards reputable hair removal people in my area (and in the bigger picture, a health care policy that will actually help me to pay the oncoming costs) There are so many it makes my head spin and I'm very wary of going to some trans-unfriendly, fly-by-night operator who just takes my money and scars my face... So wait, girl, wait until you get the chance to talk to the experts, it's only another two weeks off... *sigh*
I guess the question that I'd like to add to my li'l rant would be... How do you all remain patient when everything inside is screaming to just charge forward because you know what you need, but you are delayed by factors out of yr control, be they financial, lack of resources, etc...
So yes, what are yr coping techniques?
Oh, and big hugs to all of you on this grey, humid morn!
