"Baby Trans" needs advice/help.

[Roxipup123]

Apologies if this in the wrong place. I've run all over the internet looking for advice and so far this is one of the few places I've seen reference the particular worry that has stricken me.

Some background:
I'm 22. Hated my body since puberty. I crossdressed on occasion, and I assumed it was sexual but I never was actually turned on during it. I just figured that's what crossdressing was. Otherwise, why would I do it?
About a year ago I sort of figured I might just be 'dual gendered' and just like being female sometimes and male other times. I didn't think too much about it. But, I still got those horrible nights where I just hated my body. When I crossdressed I hated it too because I looked so masculine and male.
About 2 weeks ago it started to come to a head. I became smitten with certain ideas and would masturbate constantly to them keep my self placated. That ended, and I did the same thing for another week. In both cases the material had large magical transformation of a male to a female element. It was a focus of it. Then, last week, I was distracting myself furiously through another one, and during some point when I wasn't masturbating but just looking at it, well this particular one talked about hormone therapy. And, of course, I'd run into the concept many times before, but it was this final trigger that everything just slipped into place.
Of course, I freaked out. Couldn't sleep for two days. Was in the fetal position half the time. I'm lucky it was a weekend when I didn't have any requirements on my time. I was so scared of being transgender. Some of that has passed.

I scheduled a therapy session Monday, though unfortunately I have to wait till the 21st for it to arrive. I have talked to numerous people online about it all, and the more I tell them about my past, and how I've felt about different events, the more they seem to confirm I am transgender, and the more it sounds the same to me too. Of course, it makes me both happy and fearful at the same time.

So two major problems I've run into regarding all of this.
EDIT: The particular fears/problems in this post have been addressed and have mostly passed, Thanks all for the responses!
I've started keeping a computer journal about my fears and memories and thoughts ever since I realized all this, just to try and get things un-rattled. And yes, I have the therapy session coming eventually, but these questions are keeping me distracted from my homework and they cloud my thoughts.

First, probably the easier one.
Please, Please don't take any of this offensively! I might use dark language here. I apologize as much as possible, but I should express my feelings and the thoughts as they present themselves for you to be able to give me advice right?
I'm afraid of being old and female. Young and female doesn't scare me. Old and female? Well.. the problem is while I don't want to be old either way (oh the glory of youth haha) but It's like I've had 22 years to come a little to terms with becoming some old grandpa. But an old grandma? Extremely scary. I am an EXTREMELY visual person, and when I think of looking in the mirror and seeing an old man, I don't like the old, but I'm use to it. When I think of looking in the mirror and seeing an old woman... I can't stop thinking of all the over-makeup done 80's style hair women. Only one female I can think of I know is a worthwhile being I could see myself like... but she's only in her 50's. In comparison, seeing myself as an older male. Skinny, but healthy, balding white head, age 90. I don't mind it.

To be clear, I feel female right now. I project my ideal self as female, and even before I realized I was transgender, projecting an ideal self, that I now realize was far more feminine, was one of the few things that could calm my darkest hours. I like being 30 and female. I hit 40... and doubts start to show. 50... That person I know, plus famous female actors of course (I would LOVE to be Sandra Bullock at 49) are the last images I feel are acceptable. I am extremely afraid after that on the female side, but the male side is far more tolerable.
Can any of you relate? I realize some of you are in this range right now, or even transitioned during these eras of your life. I apologize extremely if anything I said was offensive. It's just a fear I have.

Second, warning this one is sexual.
This one is the original reason I came to this particular websites. I googled my problems and found this thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=69876.0

But first, I should clarify some things. I always felt comfortable with my sexuality. I am attracted to females. I realize now that I was pushing a lot of my want to be female desires onto a 'theoretical future girlfriend'. I had a list on my computer of stuff I would buy her. That's cleared up, but I've never once been attracted to males.
I also don't know how I feel about the concept of having a vagina. I wish I had been born female, because then I'm sure I'd be happy with a vagina, and if I discovered I was a lesbian later this would all work out cool. But, this guy down here, I'm a bit attached to him. I've leaned on him a lot to help release stress.

But moving on to the real question. What does it mean that I no longer care to be female during or after masturbation? That is 90% of the day I project onto myself a female, then some cute image or story turns me on and I begin to relieve myself... and during those moments I feel dominant and male, and this lasts for some time after... say 10 minutes shortest, to 30 minutes longest. But, it's more complex than that. You see, I've also liked 'trap porn'... that is, extremely feminine cartoon males. During masturbation I project as the dominant male, I project as the submissive trap, I project as female, I project as male... When I see a picture of a cute girl I want to be the male interacting with her. This scares me because being orientated towards feminine beings means that in Real Life, were I to interact sexually with a female, would I, during those moments, want to be male? Maybe this comes from me being unable to divorce the idea of masculinity and dominance. These are not the only moments, that is to say I don't ONLY want to feel masculine and dominant, but basically when my switch is flipped It's like all my previous gender thoughts go into a big swirl. Lately, I've felt masculine during these times.
EDIT: However, not always. It's just like a dice-roll every time how I feel. Note that this dice roll only applies to, ahem, relief time.

And then, after it's over, for 10-30 minutes I feel silly. Why have I been wanting to be a girl? I still hate my face during those moments, but I just feel ambivalent about it all.

Combined with that, is the fact I've always felt like an extremely sexual being. I enjoyed the idea of that. Not slutty mind you, but sex was on my mind. I wasn't horny physically, just this mental hornyness. I've read that libido drops when people transition, and it worries me. This was something I liked about myself... I don't want it to leave. Am I willing to sacrifice my mental hornyness to feel comfortable as a female? I can't make up my mind.

I wish the therapy could come sooner, and maybe we'll address some of this, but I was wondering about your advice and your own experiences regarding some of this.

Thank you for ALL responses!

[Jessica Merriman]

Wow, what a list! I will give it a shot though.

First, when you have strong feelings of being trans then they come and go all the time, that is fairly normal and consistent with most of us here in the beginning. Most of us who dressed prior to commencing transition would go through stages of "purging". Purging could mean throwing out feminine clothing hoping it would help us feel normal, Masturbation with the temporary feeling of guilt for cross dressing and changing our minds often several times a day. These feelings will continue until your symptoms are dealt with in either Therapy or with transition. The bad news is Gender Dysphoria does not go away on it's own and only gets stronger as time goes by. That is why you see so many of us older transitioners here. We grew up in a generation where trans genders and even gays were treated very badly. So we all buried the feeling until later in life when treatment was available and surgeries better and successful. We all finally got to a live or die type moment and began transition. I started at age 47 and that is the real me in my avatar at 48, so transitions can be very effective at any age.

Therapy will help you tremendously and if transition is your choice letters for HRT and SRS can be obtained. You will have to be totally honest with your Therapist for them to be able to adequately direct your treatment path. Coming out to family and friends is another step you will have to accomplish. It is not pleasant, but it has to be done and we all have had to have the talk with the ones we love and our friends. You will lose a lot, but what you get in return by living your true gender will more than make up for any losses. For me personally I gained health, a zest for life and many other wonderful things by starting transition. After you get 15 postings feel free to PM me if you need anything else.

[Vicki]

I'll go ahead and throw in my two cents, hopefully it helps out to some extent.

This sounds very similar to how I felt when I started to see my therapist when I was 19, I wasn't sure if I was transgender or even wanted to transition. I was experimenting around with cross dressing and wearing wigs, heck I even got brave enough to go to my company's Halloween party dressed as a girl. I went back and forth, male, female, male, female, etc... It's a very difficult and troubling experience. Ultimately, I hit a wall about a month ago with my gender dysphoria and at that point I realized I just could no longer live as a male. To expand upon that a little bit, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I just realized it would be miserable to go in life as a man. Changes are in the air though, I have an appointment with my doctor in a week to start HRT. I admit, I'm a little afraid going forward, I'm not sure if I will pass or what will become of my job. There is just so much that can happen, but one thing I can be certain on is that I will be happy going forward.

As for ageing, it's a burden we all most bare, but it doesn't particularly bother me to become old as a female. However, I feel like I really missed out on my youth as a female,  I will not get to experience being a female in my teens or early twenties, I'll have to suffer with the late twenties and onward (I'm 27, btw). I can't really say for sure why you have such a difficult time accepting yourself as female in the later part of your life. I know for myself, I had to tear down my masculine identity to move onward and let me tell you that is no easy process. You are taught socially to behave and act in a way, overcoming that was easily the hardiest part of my path towards transitioning thus far.

As far as the masturbation, sexuality, and your overall desires, I can't really speak to that at all. Maybe somebody else can speak up on that particular topic. I lost all of my libido when I was around 17. I equate my desire to procreate, have sex, or masturbate to that of a rock, meaning there is no desire to do that.

It sounds like you are looking for a definitive answer, which I completely understand, I was in that boat a few years back. To be honest, a therapist will help you in your path to discover who you are. However, at the end of the day you will be the only person to answer the question, "Do I transition, or do I stay the way I am?".

[meganB]

I know what you mean. In the time that I denied I was trans* I often had dream / fantasies where I would change female and had a nice life (including a great boyfriend, which was played by my best friend/crush). That both freaked my out and turned me on and yes I di masturbated alot of time to those fantasies and they made me feel great. As I thought those ideas coudn't be true I kept them to myself. In the mean time I decided that in real life I must like girls as my dreams/ideas coudn't be true.
When I started in college and living on my own I started to try the fantasies out by wearing lingerie and fantasising how it would be to be totally the girl in a sexual relationship (I never had a relationship). I felt disgusted for doing that. It was funny as the girl I had a crush on at the time became a man in my dreams xD (sounds a bit like a comic hahaha).
When my life broke down I saw an interview with a transgirl and I knew that this could be it. After some time (1,5 year) accepted that I was a female in the body of a male. The masturbating continued, but instead of feeling disgusted, I started to love it.

1.
I don't care how I will be when I'm really old. Yup I might be al wrinkeled and feel like i'm not pretty anymore, but I will be myself and that is the most important part for me.

2.
Even though many people will say you can only be attracted to only boys or only girls, you can also love both. Prior to learning that I really feel that I'm a woman I thought I only liked girls. After learning that I was woman I thought I only liked men (a penis was an important part >.<). After starting dating a ftm boy (who's non-op on the bottom), I learned that I don't give a rats ass if he has a penis or a vagina and that I don't really care if someone is male/female/inbetween (I love him btw). I think I'm more androgyne (though my best female friends find that i'm quite feminine) and that depending on who i'm with I become more masculine or feminine. With my male friends I become more masculine and with my female friends more feminine. If it's somebody that I like it's like a total the other way arround, with men I become more feminine / submissive (with some dominant traits) and with women I become more masculine / dominant (feelings I had from years back, haven't had them in years).


Yes for me the mental hornyness dissappeared (it was horrible prior to HRT). Though I have learned that if I wanted to do it I still could do it. Beside that other things started to turn me on. Just thinking of doing intimate things with him (like being close, cuddling and such, non-sexual things), makes me horny now. That is something my female friends also have and it freaked me out at the first, but now I like it more than what I had before.

[JulieBlair]

Hi,
I'm glad that you signed up to talk to someone.  It won't resolve anything, at least initially, but it will give you a context for your questions.  I hope your counselor is grounded is gender dysphoria.  If so awesome, if not it is still worth having the conversation.  Remember that you are full of testosterone right now, and that is profoundly influencing pretty much everything.  Also gender identification, and sexual orientation are very different things, and the linkage, if any, is loose.  Finally I am an old woman or trans-woman if you prefer.  It isn't so bad, I'm fit and in love with life.  I didn't have, or didn't think I had the option, to transition when I was young, and so missed out on that, but in compensation I have lived a full and for the most part a pretty good life.  Would I have been happier, (almost certainly prettier) If I had had the knowledge and where withal to become Julie in my youth?  Maybe, probably, all I know is that my life would have been different.

For me cross dressing when I was 25 was sexy, and releasing performance art.  Wearing feminine attire is now just a part of my authentic self.  Very different things.

There are no firm rules to gender.  The only ones I know of is to be authentic, respectful and kind to everyone.  Not a bad way to live.

Good luck as you explore who who are and think about who you would like to be.  I hope to see you around here for an update.

Peace,
Julie

[MelanieH74]

Hi ,

I have found that in transition, there are no set rules. Presently, I am getting ready to start hrt (yay, got my letter) Anyhow, I too am skipping bottom surgery. Seems like a LOT of maintenance and expense, when I can live with that part of me. (Only my wife and I will know anyways)
As far as growing to be an old woman, I was having thoughts like that, but look how many beautiful,older, strong intelligent women there are out there. Take care of yourself and you have just as good of a chance of that as any woman.

I believe the reason for the conflict after release, is the releasing of more testosterone afterwords to replace what was
"Spent"  hrt or a good T blocker should help

Just keep in mind, do what is comfortable to you, as little or as much as you wish . . . as long as it helps you be happy with  . .being yourself

Good luck and Welcome

[Roxipup123]

Haha, thank you all for your responses!

You, and others have given me some to think about but ofc a lot of this is about figuring it out along the way for myself.

One aspect that I've sort of come to terms with is that regardless of whether or not I'd want to go to any particular length, I know right now that I wish to be more feminine physically, and that imagery of that kind is the only thing that comforts me.

I have not posted all my 'rational' and 'coming to terms with my gender' thoughts on here, and I received a message from someone offering their thoughts about what I might be. I was, unfortunately, unable to reply to them, as this site wouldn't let me. To them, I'd just say that your worry about me is rather unfounded, as the events which have led me to the belief I might be transgender go far beyond what I've posted here.

It makes me a bit sad I still have to wait more than another week to even talk to the therapist about this all, but I've calmed down a lot from my initial 'freak out' stage.

You girls are very lovely, and I'm glad people like you can be here for moments when someone like myself begins running around like crazy trying to connect the dots and see the picture from afar.

I'll try and stay in touch with this website, though I'm a busy-body seeing as I'm in my last 4 weeks of college before graduation, so I have no idea how much I'll post in the immediate future, but thank you for your responses!

[Roxipup123]

Just thought I'd update you all... (since you all were helpful to my direct questions as well as the general resources on this website)

I've been to 2 therapy sessions, and at the 3rd one we're going to figure out what resources I can access when I head back home from college (I graduate in 2 weeks). In particular, the therapist is consulting with one of the people who know about transitioning to get me closer to those resources.

I've cleared a lot up in the last few weeks... And of course opened new wormholes.
I'm sure my story sounds similar to that of many who have to come to terms with their gender.
The general thoughts shift and flow, and what worries me one day seems certain the next compared to some other fear.

Like right now, I wonder if I might be having a bit of "The grass is always greener" feel.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I know how transitioning will be difficult, heck I have conservative parents who it'll be quite tiring and stressful to tell about all this, and I know women do NOT have it better or anything (except their clothes. Their clothes are totally better) with discrimination and sexual abuse rampant. Not to mention I won't ever be fully viewed as female by most of the world, who have even MORE discrimination against those who are transgender...

But then I think I'll be happier with a more female body, that I might not hate my face in the mirror if it had more feminine qualities... but the scientist/philosopher in me jumps in to play devil's advocate and says: "But how do you know?" and of course I've never actually been female or had a feminine face... so I don't know. And thus... am I just viewing some alternative existence as better just because I'm idealizing it and haven't experienced it?

OFC, I even discussed this with my therapist, but just discussing it doesn't quell your fears. XD
And I'm not looking for answers from you all. Just sharing ^_^

Tomorrow I'll feel differently. Tomorrow my largest fear will be society's ostracization or the possibility of complete inability to get an erection or what if I'm one of those really ugly girls or some other such thing.

One thing I will ask is a question my therapist asked me:
"How do you feel about others seeing you in female clothes?"

I answered that I feel like a boy in girls clothes, which is not a fun feeling, which is why I wouldn't like that for nearly all but a few friends. Those few friends would be cool with it, but unfortunately don't live near me. I answered that it's like why I get frustrated with makeup, because regardless of how good I get at it, if I'm working with a bad canvas I'll always look like a boy just wearing makeup, which is crazy frustrating.

So... did any of you guys hate the idea of wearing female clothes in front of others pre-everything?
I've always been a bit shy, but Idk if that was just because I hated my body image or not... and I wonder if I'll be as shy in social situations after transition or whatnot... but I just wanted some other views on that particular question.

[Jill F]

So... did any of you guys hate the idea of wearing female clothes in front of others pre-everything?
I've always been a bit shy, but Idk if that was just because I hated my body image or not... and I wonder if I'll be as shy in social situations after transition or whatnot... but I just wanted some other views on that particular question.

When I first came to grips with being trans, I began dressing privately but I was terrified to so much as walk out my front door and onto my driveway.  I felt like a shaven ape in a dress and I basically looked like one too.  About two months later, I began to take estrogen.  It made a lot of my anxiety disappear all by itself, and after a single laser beard removal session I was able to finally venture out my front door, thinking it was probably OK be seen from a distance.  After a few more weeks on E, I took it a step further and was driven around West Hollywood.  That went better than expected, but I was still nervous as hell.   A week later, my therapist basically double dog dared me to show up to the next session in girl mode.  I did it.  I was nervous as hell, my demeanor was off and I got a couple of puzzled looks, but nothing major.  I was in West Hollywood after all.  When I figured that a full transition was possibly inevitable, I spent a weekend out of town in girl mode.  It was rocky, but I started to learn quickly what not to do.  I went full time a few weeks later. 

It takes time and practice to own it.  It will come naturally in time.

[Ltl89]

"So... did any of you guys hate the idea of wearing female clothes in front of others pre-everything?"

Hell, I'm terrified of doing that even after starting hrt.  It's not easy to be the person that breaks gender norms that are drilled into everyone's head from birth.  Because these things are so important, most of us want to pass so we don't stand out.   I love the idea of wearing female clothes and being free to be myself, but only if people see a cis girl in their heads and don't suspect I'm trans.  Believe me, this is a very common fear for transwomen and you aren't alone.  The only time that I felt comfortable cross dressing in front of others pre-hrt was during my dress up sessions as a kid.  And mostly that was because I would play with my big sister and my mom gave a pass to that.  Otherwise, passing is very important for me and always will be a priority. 

[stephaniec]

well, I've been dealing with this female thing all my life. I for far too long tried to solve the problem myself. Only very recently was able to open up completely to a  therapist and have made great strides. I love the Idea of living as a woman, It's really who I've always been. You can't cry over spilled milk, so you just got to move forward. I'm finally now doing just that and my life is so much more real. As far as being an older woman , I love it. I don't have to have the perfect figure and I don't worry about competing on the runway. I realize now that all those years living on testosterone was like drinking arsenic every morning instead  of orange juice. I also realize that all those years of cross dressing and putting on make up starting from when I was 4 to the present wasn't the aberration I feared it was, it was just who I was.

[Roxipup123]

Once again, thanks for all your previous replies.

I told some family members, and things were going moderately smooth. I'm about to graduate, and after that would tell my father and subsequently move home from school and get a new local therapist there and likely begin transitioning...

But I had to post because this last night left me kind of upset. So we were talking about telling my father (my eldest sister and I), but she's a doctor so she said she had done some research in onto it and wanted to talk to me about some things, so she called me on my phone, which kept cutting out the whole time, so we could talk about it.

She started off the conversation with the fact that she looked into the 4 major areas hormones effect: Fat, Breasts, Skin, and Hair. She told me that her and my sister had pretty male pattern fat, and that they put weight on their stomach and not over the rest of their body. She then told me that since most transfolk develop breasts 1 size under their relatives, and her and my sister were A cups... I shouldn't expect much there. She then pointed out that her and my sister have relatively thick hair. Of course, I've been shaving for years, so hair wasn't an issue... But the conversation continued.
She pointed out that she's had her own problems with femininity and body issues, and that reading all this made her emotional. I replied that even though she sees her body as not feminine, there is more femininity to it that she can't see.
Unfortunately, apparently the call dropped part of that statement, and she took it as me calling her not feminine, and she started getting a little emotional. She asked me some pointed questions I had trouble answering. The call kept dropping so we switched to skype.

From there, we chatted. Eventually I got across I hadn't called her not feminine, but was just saying that while She thought herself unfeminine, I did not. By the end of the conversation, we'd talked a lot and calmed down, but my sister is a bit hard-headed, so I don't think she thought she came across as wrong.

It was just frustrating. It felt like she was saying:
I did research and you won't get anything out of it.
I never felt satisfied with myself.
What do you want?

And I know that's a simplification, and not what she meant, and she kept emphasizing she wanted to be supportive.

It's just, of course it makes me question EVERYTHING... and hate myself about it all etc... The usual downward spiral.