Remember who you are, Simba

[CandyCaneTie]

Don't let being transgender make you think you have to fit into a cookie-cutter idea of what a man is or should be.

You like wearing eyeliner? Wear it.

You like having long hair? You might get "ma'amed", but so what? It doesn't mean you -are- a ma'am.

You speak with flamboyant expressiveness? Go for it! Don't try to force yourself into speaking in monotone just to be more masculine.

There is really no such thing as "passing" anyway because that implies deception rather than expression. We can sometimes get too caught up in "proving" our gender to others when there is absolutely no need to do so. It's not something that can be proven by how flat your chest appears or how deep your voice is. It's in your brain, your soul, your personality, and your identity; being overly-conscious of yourself and trying too hard to prove it with your body/mannerisms is a recipe for disaster.

If you feel like having a flat chest or deep voice or anything else helps you express who you are inside, then go for it! But if you're only doing it to try to convince others of a truth that--in the grand scheme of things--only you need to be convinced of, you'll just be swapping one misery for another.

Now I am well-aware of the reality. It hurts when people see you in a way that is different than the way you see yourself. Believe me, I get that. But investing your time in trying to get others' perception of you to line up with your own is so much less important than investing your time in living your life as you please, doing what makes you happy, and expressing your true self. At the end, only a few people will matter to you, and those will be the ones that really did see you the way you did. Those people will be magical.

TLDR: Care less about what others think. Be you. Be a hyper-masculine, beer-chugging, sports-watching guy; be an artsy, indie-movie-making, skinny-jean-wearing guy; be a fabulous, theatrical, sophisticated guy; be anything in between. There are so many different type of men in the world. What kind of man are you, truly? Whoever he is, be him and no one else. Don't let ->-bleeped-<- limit you.

[HumanBeing]

Love this! So true, so very true! 

Everyone comes in different shapes and sizes etc and within that there are lots of different personalities. Everyone just needs to be 'them'. Whoever that may be.

Got to the point where I don't care about what others think anymore. Obviously the odd look or remark may make you down for a second or two but in the grand scheme of things , as you said only a few people will matter to you and that is so true!

[blink]

I get what you're saying, and agree it's unhealthy to spend too much energy trying to fit a "mold", whether you're trans or not. But most people, cis and trans alike, modify their behavior to some extent for the sake of others, and to influence how others respond to them. That's how society works, it's normal, and I don't consider it "letting ->-bleeped-<- limit me". Not only do cis people also put varying amounts of work into meeting expectations by gender, but I modify my behavior in many ways every day and most of them have nothing to do with being a trans man.

Showering on a regular basis isn't "just being me" but I will because otherwise my BO will reach catastrophic levels and offend people I like to be around. Depending on situation I curse, or I don't - the cursing is what comes naturally. I can "just be me!" or I can modify my behavior to fit the TOS for this forum. I'm non-confrontational by nature. When someone's in my way at the grocery store I can do what comes naturally and just stand there waiting for them to move, getting more annoyed by the second (which has no good effect), or I can say "excuse me" and get results.

I've also known people who were definitely just "being themselves", at all times, and offended everyone around them constantly because they did not use a "social filter" at all. There's a happy medium, and I've found mine. Constantly being misgendered and treated like a girl was much more miserable for me than modifying my behavior a little to assist in being read as male. If what you're suggesting is working for you, great, but keep in mind expecting everyone to 100% fit into a gender stereotype, and expecting everyone to 100% disregard social expectations, are both unrealistic.

[GnomeKid]

Oh my.  I hope I'm a fabulous, theatrical, sophisticated kind of guy... I really don't think I am though =p  Well... Theatrical yes.  Some days a little fabulous, but mostly by association.  Maybe I'll age into sophistication. 

Seriously though.  Good post!  There is no wrong way to be a man/woman.  We're all just people.  As someone who has had more friends who don't fit into gender stereotypes than those who do.... I tend to find them kind of ridiculous, and while I know its wrong... I tend to find I feel like people who do fit into them are a little ridiculous too (well... maybe less ridiculous and more boring).  They are just who they are.  They can't help it any more than I... being a weird queer little creature. 

[Adam (birkin)]

I can definitely appreciate the sentiment of this post, in the sense that we shouldn't let gender roles prevent us from doing the things we truly like to do. I think a lot of people really need to hear it, and I think a lot of people will be empowered by it. But at the same time, it seems a little denigrating towards those who want to be seen as the gender they are. It is about way more than self-expression. For one, it's about self-preservation; a visible transsexual is still not safe everywhere. But beyond that, if someone sees me as a woman (that really doesn't happen anymore, they usually assume I am FTM now if anything, so female born), I'm not upset because they didn't see who I really am or whatever. I'm upset because they probably noticed some of the effects of estrogen on my body, and I'm forced to be reminded that I spent many years in a body that was alien and hostile to me.

[aleon515]

I agree. I'm not femme at all, but I am certainly not super macho either. I did try learning how to sit and stand, but after that I haven't tried to "master" male body language. I am never tried to alter my voice or language. I use words like "lovely" and so forth, that I don't think a lot of guys use. And now that I am read as male, which does seem to matter to me, I don't care if I freak people out with "oh what a cute little doggie" or whatever. I started wearing yellow and neon green. There male clothes but I suppose are read as gay. I don't care. I have noticed, since I started transition, that there is a huge variation in people who are men (not quite as huge as women, as a lot of things are kicked out of boys from an early age), but there are big muscular guys and thin wispy ones and all sorts of things in between.

--Jay

[Bombadil]

this is a great post. Thanks!

[makipu]

I really like this post. That's exactly what I am doing with myself.  That's why I don't plan to change the things I wear (some of them are from the "womens section"- )

[CandyCaneTie]

Thanks for the responses so far, guys! I'm glad a lot of people like and can relate to the sentiment behind my post, but let me clarify a few things:

I absolutely understand the desire to be read as the correct gender and didn't mean one single bit of disrespect to those for whom passing is important or essential. What I'm talking about is those that change too much of who they are, or who become consumed with "acting" like the correct gender.

I think there's also a scale that varies from person to person. Some behaviors are little and easily modified, and if it helps, that's perfectly fine. But if a trans guy is constantly thinking, "I can't sit that way because it's not male" and "I can't use that word because it's not male" and "I can't say I liked that movie because it's not male" and "I can't wear that color because it's not male", well...then it starts becoming very self-destructive.

For example, I was hanging out with one of my friends and we came across an adorable puppy, and of course I freaked out and got excited. He said something to the effect of, "You might not want to act like that if you're going to be taken seriously as a guy." But...no. If I see a cute dog, you bet I'm going to coo and smile and enjoy myself! I'm not going to force artificial reactions just because I want to be taken seriously as a guy.

[Jason C]

Yes, so true! I'd love to have a deeper voice and etc., but I've decided I'm not going to fake a deep voice. Nor am I going to cut my hair. Do I want to pass? Yes, I really do. I want people to see me as who I am inside. But I'm not changing my mannerisms to do that. I think there has to be an understanding of what's more important to you. For some people, keeping their personality and all of their mannerisms is more important than passing. To others, they can sacrifice certain things in order to be seen as more masculine. And hell, for others, it's even just that they change their mannerisms and etc. so they, themselves, can feel more confident when out and about.

I think all of that's OK as long as you're doing what's best for you, rather than doing it because if you're a guy, you've got to be a stereotypical guy. Because you don't have to be if you don't want to be. Great post.

For example, I was hanging out with one of my friends and we came across an adorable puppy, and of course I freaked out and got excited. He said something to the effect of, "You might not want to act like that if you're going to be taken seriously as a guy." But...no. If I see a cute dog, you bet I'm going to coo and smile and enjoy myself! I'm not going to force artificial reactions just because I want to be taken seriously as a guy.

Man, my best friend is a straight cis-male, and whenever he sees a dog, he practically jumps up and down with excitement and proceeds to talk to the dog in a baby voice, haha.

[Edge]

It depends on the reason for the mannerism too. I want to get rid of some of my "girly" mannerisms because I got in the habit of using them to hide who I really am and I don't want to hide anymore.
Other than those though, why care? The idea that people fit neatly into sets of randomly picked traits is just an old wives' tale with no biological evidence to back it up.

[Nikotinic]

It depends on the reason for the mannerism too. I want to get rid of some of my "girly" mannerisms because I got in the habit of using them to hide who I really am and I don't want to hide anymore.

This. When I'm in certain situations, especially when I'm around groups of women who still see me as female, I find myself putting on 'girl voice'. It makes me feel like I'm wearing a mask over my real self and I end up beating myself up for it afterwards. It's a defence mechanism I think, I know that if I speak in a certain way about certain things then I'll be basically accepted and have an uneventful encounter. It's not really me they're accepting though, it's the mask. I'm trying to stop myself from doing this.

[aleon515]

Funny you should mention the puppy. I want to be read as male, but when I am then if I see the puppy I immediate do the "oh what a CUUUTE little puppy!" routine.

I've also heard the whole "gender thing" as a "gender performance". I think that's actually quite a good way of looking at it. There's a guy in a group I'm in and he is concerned re: how he is read. A lot of that is to change the "performance" or perhaps the "costume".

--Jay

[WhiteDustWolf]

This is a great post, appreciated! *thumbs up*

I certainly identify as male (and want to be seen/read as such) and I'm transitioning right now but I'm very artistic, creative and quite the dreamer. Sometimes I end up wearing eyeliner, colored contact lenses and have my hair really styled and anime-ish and such. My girlfriend have joked about me spending more time in the bathroom fixing myself than she does, so what if I do? I just want to look good.. and it's not like she complains either, she likes pretty boys haha. I barely have interest in watching sports (except for ice-hockey) and I don't really care about cars and motor stuff either. I see nothing wrong with being a not-so-mainstream guy, I am who I am and I am still male.. even though I'm not your most hyper-masculine dude out there.

[BrotherBen]

I appreciate the sentiment behind this post, and I admire those of y'all who are brave enough to present however the heck you want to. But see, this Simba right here reaaaaaaally likes having strangers call him "sir". And not having people ask silly questions like "If you want people to see you as a man, why would you do THAT?" So I'm gonna go ahead and keep holding off on the fingernail polish for a while longer. If and when I grow a sexy beard a la Dave Navarro, I'll tell my fiancee it's time to break out the manicure kit..