I've been in transition since I was 19 and up until now I've done a pretty good job of coming to terms with my genitals. I do want surgery and my goal is sometime in the next 5 years. However lately I've been feeling very at odds with my bottom half. Last night I couldn't sleep and so my mind started wondering off into various thoughts. Sometimes I masturbate to try to sleep (insomniac) but last night it was a struggle to even do that. I started crying and just let go and told myself how much I hated that "thing". For so long I thought I had a healthy outlook on my "outie" but now that I'm finally full time, living as my true self. This physical part is really starting to get to me. Then after crying for a good while. The even bigger crash in my head started regarding pregnancy. Knowing that I'm never going to be able to get pregnant. I've always known it's not possible for gals like us but still just the though never really took grasp in my mind since I wasn't full time during those years. So it was in some sense more manageable back then.
It's like half of my issue is a trans thing (grs) and the other half is a woman issue. I know not just us trans folk have to deal with not being able to bear children. Some cis women are born without a uterus, have complications later in life that prevent from having children of their own, etc... But still I guess I'm just now beginning to mourn the children I'll never have.
http://hellogiggles.com/no-im-not-pregnant-and-ill-never-be^ I found this webpage forever ago and at the time. It brought me some peace, a way to cope with this situation. Everyone here I feel like should read this. We identify our trans issues as being only applicable to us. But many cis women deal with the same issues we do.
an excerpt from the article:
"I remember a few days after the diagnosis, I lay in my bed in the dark, weeping and curled up cradling my stomach. I felt as though I was mourning what never was. How do you mourn what does not exist? What is the process for that?"
That was me last night curled, cradling my stomach. All in all, it is what it is. I know I definitely will adopt. Who knows this is the 21st century. It might just be possible in the next 40 years to be able to get pregnant! I'm forever an optimist
So yeah I just needed to get this out, rather than keep it bottled in. Thanks for reading!!
