Something my therapist said...

[androgynouspainter26]

I think gender is a performence just about everywhere you go, the only thing that differs are the stakes and the costumes we wear. 

It's not that I don't want to stand out, that's not it at all.  Rather, I don't want to stand out for the wrong reasons.  There are plenty of trans women here who fall into the queer subculture, who dress a bit like I do (perhaps yes, a bit toned down) and are seen as cis.  Blending in isn't the goal.  But standing out for the wrong reasons is.

Having enough to get by is one thing, but I doubt I will ever be a homeowner, or if I am, that won't come for a while.  You can make good money in my area of theatre, but it requires timing, luck, and a ton of patience.  You can spend a decade in literal poverty, and then be a millionaire a decade after that.  But for me, I don't want any more money than I need to have a place to live, some emergeny cash to fall back on, and something extra to spend at the Farmer's market.  Art...it's not a career as much as it is a calling.  But I do want to make a career out of that.  All this said, there is no way I will be able to come up with that money right out of school.  It'll take probably ten years at best, and I'd rather not wait.  So, I guess I can go to my family for help.

I figured as much...the hair is going to be hard to change simply because it's just about my only option, but besides that I have a range of more subtle looks! 

Your opinions are welcome...

[Julia-Madrid]

Dear Sasha

I'm returning to the first post in your thread.  Taking into account our considerable offline discussions, what I see is that the equation of needs and realities is rather complex in your case. 

I know you are looking for some resolution or closure, but I don't think you are ready for this yet.  While I fully recognise your distress, I believe that you need to continue exploring, mentally and physically for a little while yet.

Early on in our discussions, I mentioned Grayson Perry to you as an example.  Not because you are like him (there are some parallels, however)  but here is a person who has created an external world that works, and I think that this is the part which is causing you most distress. 

I would urge you to explore this part more, to see whether you could evolve to a point where you no longer give a damn what the outside world might think of you. 

I partially agree with you about how people can be visibly uncomfortable around non-passing trans people, but I think that a HUGE part has to do with attitude, and likeableness - what is so much more meaningfuly described as being simpatico or simpatica in Spanish and Italian.  I would urge you to consider how to maximise this part in your favour.  Yes, on initial meeting there will be a moment of "Woah there, what is Sasha" but in my opinion it's not really relevant to them whether you are transgender, ->-bleeped-<- or any other flavour, as long as you're comfortable on the inside with your gender and presentation, and critically, that you are comfortable and engaging on the outside.

From what we've discussed, a major part of your challenge is that you are so stressed by what people might think that it totally distorts your personality.  Therefore, perhaps you should consider how to work on both this stress, and what you've said are aspects of your personality which you dislike.  Can you change personality? Hell yes; it took me 3 iterations and some hard soul-searching, but, given the bunch of lovely friends I now have, I think I got there.   So consider this.  Ask hard questions of the people in your circle as to how they perceive you; accept the criticism as being positive, and work in your head and with your therapist on this part. 

I have proposed two areas of focus, and  I really believe, if you work on just these, that your world will become immeasurably better, although you will have to traverse a valley of hard criticism from people who know you, and yourself, to get there.

With many hugs
A/J

[Jade_404]

I like your hair, I said that in another post. 

I want to be honest since you asked, but I ask that you don't get mad at me for it.

You are missing the "glow". I have only seen a few pictures of you but in them I can see a deep sadness that is preventing your internal beauty from shining out. Women glow. cis, trans, old, young... it don't matter, they glow. I am sure you glow sometimes, would love to see it! I think right now you are having such a hard time that just letting that glow shine thru is not happening for you.

It is this "glow" that made me realize I am Trans.
I am 40, I hid from myself for a long time and only this year decided to be true to myself. So many times I got mis-genered as female before I even admitted to myself that I must be. It was because I glow, maybe even too much. People think I am 10 years younger than I am because of this glow. When I go someplace, I walk in KNOWING I am the most important person there, and that makes me glow.

I don't know if it can be taught but I know its contagious , if you hung out with me for a day you would be glowing, I guarantee it. Somehow I do that, make others glow. I will try to send a little your way thru this post  , hope it works!

HUGS!

Love,
Jade

[androgynouspainter26]

Easier?  Sure.  But where's the fun in that?

[androgynouspainter26]

If your transition is just a seres of sacrifices, you might want to consider what you can do to make the process more joyful, or perhaps even ask yourself why.  Listen, I'm as driven as you are.  I see what I want, and I sieze it, I respect that about you.  But I've realized that there must be some joy in the journey as well, otherwise you will never be satisfied with your life;

there will always be more questions in life than answers, if you get my drift. 

[Makenzie]

Do what your heart tells you.Only you know what will make you happy in the end.Feel free to PM me if you need to talk

[retransition]

androgynouspainter26  I just read your posts and found them very moving.  You seem like a very intelligent and mindful person.   I think you are doing the right thing by just taking a deep look at your current struggles and potential options as you move forward.  I totally get where you are coming from ... I went through something similar and in some ways I still am moving through this and how I choose to define myself. The important thing about options is to realize that sometimes it takes awhile to be able to see them.  Sometimes, it takes a while for them to slide into place ... they are dynamic and the whole playing field of "life" is always in constant flux. If you don't like your options now ... check back again in a few minutes and there will be a whole new set. Sometimes if you make a few small changes in your life new options that you did not even anticipate begin to emerge.  And sometimes options appear because of changes in what is important to you and what you value in life.

I know things look bleak right now, and financial and career worries are certainly a concern, as is personal safety (!!!!)  Take care of yourself now ... you have a wonderful life ahead of you.  Be safe.  Give yourself the space to make your own rules and treat yourself with loving kindness. 

One thing that I always know is true, whatever reality exists today will be different tomorrow.   

[Susan522]

I am a queer, androgyny-loving male to female transexual, and I'm absolutely secure with that identity.

As you know, I am a bit 'uncomfortable' with these terms, but in the context of what I have to offer, my 'comfort' level is of little relevance.  My comfort level does not matter.  What matters is yours. 

The other term that I have 'problems' with is 'identity', in that I don't really understand just exactly what that means.  I guess this is a symptom of my time, late 1940's early '50's when this whole issue of just who I was began to become an issue in my mind.

Getting back to your issue and how I see/perceive/relate to what I understand to be gender-queer people, the few that I have met appeared to be very happy in their lives and their personal relationships with others.  I was led to believe that they were quite happy with their bodies 'as is' and had no desire to change anything about their physical bodies or their endocrinology.  Their gender presentation was highly ambiguous and their sexual orientation was much like mine as in, "whatever works".

I think however that what is causing you the greatest angst is not so much your 'presentation', but the fact that (it seems to me), you have a fundamental need to actually change your physical sex.  You state that you desperately want/need SRS but you see the financial hurdle to be just too high.

If that is the case then I would advise you to address first things first and do whatever is needed to meet that financial need first.  To be perfectly honest, I spent nearly a full year on high dose HRT while working as a man in order to get my SRS money together.
The sad truth is, that $$$ talks and, well....you know how the rest of that goes.

Once you have the financial freedom to do what you want well, you can do anything you damn well please, within reason of course.  The good news is you know who you are and where you want to go,  Now all you have to do is the work/sacrifice to earn your own entitlement to earn/pay for, whatever privilege you might aspire to. 

[DoYouRealize]

Hi... this ol' thread really resonated with me.
I'm a special gender snowflake, queer as a pi dollar bill, non-binary, and transmasculine. So my experience isn't the same but still... So much here sounds like my own thoughts....!
No real advice to give, merely commiseration...

It's not so much that I AM trans, it's that I'm visibly trans.  People are put off with it, even if they might be fine with everything if it's in the abstract... I'll be honest and say I doubt either of us, as queer trans women, will ever meet someone with which we have true chemistry. But, it's worth a try, no?

Yes it's worth a try, yes!
Here's my one teeny tiny data point : i myself date queer, "visibly trans" women almost exclusively. If you're queer4queer, find other queers. (If you're into cis folks, i also have met a few cis folks who do date trans women. No shame. Not ->-bleeped-<-s. Good humans. Good happy relationships.)

For one thing, I need to be passable, but not stealth.  The idea of keeping my identity and my past a complete secret is a nightmare to me.

Passable but not stealth: AARRRG i have similar thoughts!
I want two things - to be perceived in a certain way, and to be true to my complexities - and i fear that one will erase the other.
Which is more important? Being an artsy queer myself, i have chosen for now to err on the side of being visibly genderqueer as heck and then some...
But i don't blame anybody for wanting to just be normal once in a while. Sometimes i do just want to walk down the street as a guy without seeing those double-takes.... and yet then again....

I wish I could just look like any other queer, spunky, artsy gal.

being queer and spunky and artsy isn't about being anything other than being you. *hug*

And I'd like to help my community too (which, as I'm sure many of you have noticed, REQUIRES you are passable.  Nobody, even other trans people, want to listen to a trans woman who does not pass).

This absolutely enrages me. I believe you and your experiences and observations.
I also believe that this is not universal in all communities.
Change it. Help your community. Create art. Be heard. Be authentic, even if being authentic changes moment by moment by moment.
Other trans people and queer people and cis people and all kinds of people are out here, wanting and needing to hear what you have to say, and to see what you have to show us.

(Aaand... hmmm... was i just addressing that to myself???)

[alexbb]

Lot of feels in this conversation.
for what its worth i stuck at the art and run a little business as a concept artist now, it took about 4 years to get off the ground but its a decent enough earner now and i love working my own hours in my own office, usually eating at my desk.
im saving for ffs. ive a face like a clowns shoe so i deffo get what ur saying about wanting to blend in. tbh tho ive noticed even tho i look a bit odd, im so much happier people are MUCH nicer to me, and I to them, as a transgendered woman than i was as a dude its a no brainer. so ffs, its a medium term project, but im sure with some focus i can raise a few grand for the most pressing areas. something to do isnt it!
anyway my point is art and comfy money dont have to be mutually exclusive. itll be alright, its a long slow upward climb. most good things are. need to build them brick by brick but eventually youve built something nice. and strong. dont give up.

"Nobody, even other trans people, want to listen to a trans woman who does not pass"

thats true! i had a polish transgirl in a club tell me i wasnt trans cos i didnt like guys. im standing in a dress surrounded by my straight guy friends so maybe she thought i was a stag or something, and she seemed to have unpleasant views on a whole series of other topics, but i was astonished that even a tg person would be so prejudiced. turns out, ->-bleeped-<-s come in all gender orientations. hell with them, lets do this!!!

xxx