For the Sake of Marriage

[Yukari-sensei]

Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...

My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.

I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.

So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.

[Stochastic]

Yukari-sensei,

I understand completely. Best of luck. It can be difficult in the non-transitioning world, but we will be here if you need support.

Julia

[King Malachite]

You have my full respect for your decision and if I was in your position, I would have probably done the same thing.  Best wishes.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

->-bleeped-<- , that has to be the most romantic thing I ve ever heard in my entire life...

[DriftingCrow]

I hope you two have a lasting peace and love together.

[Dahlia]

True, selfsacrificing love. That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.

The best of luck!

[asheriko35]

I have tons of respect and appreciation for you
Is it possible still to bring her back?

[helen2010]

Just two weeks ago, my life was sunny. I was on estrogen, I could see physical changes, and I thought I still had a loving marriage... until Sunday...

My wife, my Dulcinea, my Beatrice... one day before our 10 year anniversary (dating) told me she loved me but didn't love me romantically anymore. She said she couldn't be with a woman... we could be friends but we were over... I never felt pain like this before... I never imagined this could happen, my rose colored glasses blinded me to her suffering and I hate myself for the pain I caused her.

I have steeled myself for a drastic change of course. I stopped my HRT, cancelled my next endo appointment. I don't even want to transition anymore, just thinking about it brings me great pain. I've never had panic attacks till this week and I can't stop having them, I keep hearing the music from my wedding everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep.

So be it. Right now I'd rather die her man than live as a woman without her. I hope my resolve does not fail me. Wish me luck my brothers and sisters, I have much work to do.

Yukari

I genuinely wish you all the very best of luck and love in your life together.  However having tried unsuccessfully to stop hrt 3 times to protect my relationship I failed.  What I recognised was that being compelled to deny my nature caused growing resentment and even greater dysphoria.   At the same time I felt devalued and misunderstood by my wife.  Yes some relationships do work where one partner is selfless and gives up everything to protect a relationship but I suspect that this is unusual and rarely viable in the longer term.

However you may find a non binary solution may work for both of you.   Low dose hrt will give you significant peace and emotional comfort without significant feminising effects.   Your wife who has loved you dearly may be comfortable with this.   I suspect that a relationship where you both give up a little may have more chance of long term success than one where one partner gives up significantly more than the other.

Safe travels

Aisla

[asheriko35]

Dear Aisla
Your post is helping me. I am trying also to find the strength the stop the process before I will love the spouse I have love and respect to.
I am trying to remember other periods in my life where is was not so strong and tolerable.
She told me that as she loves me so much and support me on wearing women clothes, nails, eyebrows etc..she will loot at me differently when the change will go deeper...
Please don't judge me, I kind of look at this as escaping from great pain to day day day less great pain

[Johnny Tristan]

I wish you all the luck in the world, Yukari.
I have to agree with you, I would sacrifice my transition in a heartbeat if it meant losing my fiancee.
Talk to her about this. Don't just detransition behind her back. She needs to know your effort and sacrifice.
Let us know how everything is doing.

[kelly_aus]

While I can understand you decision, I feel there are a couple of things I should point out..

Fisrtly, just stopping HRT meds is not recommended, that's something you should consult a doctor/endo about. Secondly, your gender issues wll not go away, you are going to have to find a happy medium that works for you - and your wife.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you..

[JoanneB]

While I can understand you decision, I feel there are a couple of things I should point out..

Fisrtly, just stopping HRT meds is not recommended, that's something you should consult a doctor/endo about. Secondly, your gender issues wll not go away, you are going to have to find a happy medium that works for you - and your wife.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you..

Having taken this boat ride several times these past six years, I have to agree with Kelly.
1) Stopping HRT will cause your head to explode
2) The gender crap DOES NOT go away
2a)  That cat is out of the bag. Your wife knows. No Do-Overs. The T-Bomb was dropped and she is collateral damage

My wife is a card carrying member of the "I did not marry a woman" club. Six years have not substantively changed her opinion. However, seeing how much I have I grown as a person, has swayed her.

Over the past 30 years I grew to become a miserable person. Not even a person, a thing, a machine, that did what was expected. No hopes, no joys, and especially no dreams, except one given up on long long ago.

I droped the T-Bomb 6 years ago. Gallons of tears have been shed by us both. It has been a long and painful process for us both, that is still ongoing. I cannot guarantee her I can keep on presenting as male, nor can I expect her to guarantee standing by my side. The one guarantee we are both aware of is things will NEVER be the same. And she knew I was TG 30 years ago, 20 before we wed.

I guess the bottom line here is, she will likely never see you the same again. However, she may come to see just how much the real you is, just as my wife has.

[Carrie Liz]

True, selfsacrificing love. That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.

The best of luck!

Ouch.

You're right, the self-sacrificing love is beautiful, and I wish Yukari all the happiness in the world, but that didn't mean you had to take such a cheap shot at the rest of us.

[kelly_aus]

True, selfsacrificing love. That's kind of unheard of in the lesbian MTF community.

The best of luck!

I stood by my terminally ill GF until she died.. I'm now fill-in mum to her 2 daughters.

I guess I was just in it for the sex.. 

[helen2010]

Dear Aisla
Your post is helping me.
She told me that as she loves me so much and support me on wearing women clothes, nails, eyebrows etc..she will loot at me differently when the change will go deeper...
Please don't judge me, I kind of look at this as escaping from great pain to day day day less great pain

Asheriko

I am glad that I could help.  I have learned to never judge, only to support and to listen.  I really hope that you both find an outcome or middle ground that works for you.

Best wishes

Aisla

[E-Brennan]

1) Stopping HRT will cause your head to explode
2) The gender crap DOES NOT go away
2a)  That cat is out of the bag. Your wife knows. No Do-Overs. The T-Bomb was dropped and she is collateral damage

Absolutely agreed.

This is going to be extremely Debbie Downer-ish, but I'm not sure you're making the right choice and I think you came here looking for advice on whether you're making the right decision, not validation of your decision to detransition.  You can't rebottle this genie and pretend that everything is like it once was.  She will never see you as the same man who met her at the altar, and in a few months you might not see her as the same girl who walked down the aisle.  You'll know that her love for you perhaps wasn't as strong as you thought, and you may start to wonder what the next divorce trigger will be.  It's hardest to leave a marriage the first time.  She won't find it as hard to leave you in the future if you do reconcile.

In addition, are you sure that your wife is not using this as a convenient excuse to get out of a marriage that may have been failing for other reasons?  The ten-year anniversary is a huge thing, and she may well have gotten cold feet suddenly and wanted to use that as a cut-off point and a fresh start regardless of your trans status.

Don't do anything drastic right now.  While utterly romantic and highly commendable to give up on being who you are for the sake of her, are you sure that's what she was asking for?  Are you sure you can cope with being so close and having your true self taken away from you?  In five years, how will you look back on this decision?

Of course, I'm not suggesting for one second that you should give up on the marriage and move full speed ahead in your transition, but I'm certainly suggesting that coming to an immediate halt is going to be equally inadvisable, at least from a medical perspective.  Re-book that endo appointment and figure out a safer way to quit your medication if that's what you're going to do.

It's a tough position to be in, but I'm of the opinion that a good marriage is a partnership, and there's give and take.  People change and a good marriage accommodates that change - you aren't the same person she married all those years ago, but she's not the same person you married either.  Sure, a gender change is a big deal, but I always wonder how healthy a marriage is when one partner has to give up everything in order to make the other feel happy.  That's not a good marriage, it's emotional slavery.  Couple that with the fact that your trans feelings were strong enough for you to get this far, and you've got a disaster waiting to happen.

You've clearly got lots to think about, and there's so many pieces to this puzzle that it'll take a lot of time to figure it out.  Don't make any rash decisions, and I really do wish you not just the best of luck with this, but also that you'll approach it patiently and rationally.

[barbie]

That is why I did not transition. The doctor also said he will prescribe the pills for HRT if I visit again with my wife and she allows it. More over, I have 3 kids who will grow well as long as I maintain a good relationship with my wife.

I have far more skirts and heels than my wife who seldom wears makeup or heels. She washes and cleans them for me everyday. I sometimes have lunch together with my wife at restaurant, and I usually wear mini-skirt. Whatever I wear, my wife seem to look and feel my masculinity that helps sustain my family. This also applies to my kids. As long as their mom accepts me well, my kids do the same.

There can be many paths you can take, but I hope both of you find a best way for your happiness.

barbie~~

[Satinjoy]

I am with Aisla on this and also with the others on the HRT stop - don't do that without the endo in it and the shrink - but there are sometimes middle grounds and everyone is different.

I was in meltdown earlier this week over the fear of what you are dealing with, and all that was is fear, but I also pushed my dysphoria too hard and crashed.  It is ok now.

I run in the middle ground, but we are all very different.  It depends where you are on the gender spectrum.  Boundaries can save marriages if there are common, acceptable grounds where dysphoria comfort meets a wife's comfort level and the two can remain whole.  It just depends...

I sacrifice, but I also have gained much in return, its all about balances.

But dysphoria is extremely powerful and you have to find a comfort level that works and is sustainable.

My hair comes down in the morning when she is out believe me.  She knows that. 

[Sincerely Tegan]

Wow Yukari,

I feel for you so much. We're even the same age!

My wife learned of my questioning nature less than a month ago, and after the initial meltdown (on both ends, admittedly), she has accepted our reality and is allowing me to explore this aspect of myself. She is being supportive, but I worry that I pain her constantly. The guilt is incredible.

A friend recently asked me, "Are you truly questioning, or just fighting this really hard?" It's a good question, and one I hope to answer in therapy. Sadly, if the answers point down the Tegan route, I will lose my wife as a spouse. The pressure is incredible.

I don't know if I even could make such a change, endure such a loss, give up my life, and break the heart of my truest love to boot. I just don't know, and it's all very confusing and scary. With any luck, therapy will help me sort through all of these big questions.

I wish you all the best, whatever that ends up being.

Cheers,
Tegan

[Satinjoy]

Fighting for a marriage is worth it and time is important... I was told to ask her when I was making her uncomfortable, and her discomfort area was fairly cool with blending into my comfort limits... Sex was lost but intimacy was not and she gets a heck of a lot of backrubs, ..  wife wants time more than anything else, and attention,,,  I give her a presentation she has been happy with for decades from the neck up, although my face is changing and hair is growing. I have nails... and she sees the lingerie

She does not see the bare body hormone changes.  She does not come in while I am in the shower unless I can screen off, and she cannot handle seeing me in a cami or bra, I wear a nylon sleepshirt that is gender neutral over that at night, and over the nightwear which is sexy to say the least.   Oddly she can hande seeing the garter belt connectors and thigh highs.  It all depends on what they can handle and what they cannot.  She will never see my bare boobs.  And she knows I am on estrogen - max dose actually now - and that it is necessary to keep me from cracking up.

All of this stuff was navigated with close monitoring by my shrink.  I know what she can handle, and I will not go past it.  She knows what I can handle, and knows that asking more.. .like cutting nails... is futile, and she eventually had to accept that.

I hope this helps.  FTE can wreak havoc on marrage, I present as a male, although now its more andro-male.

It depends on what your dysphoria can handle, what she can handle, and what you can handle, but to save a marriage to me is a huge thing indeed.  And yes once she percieves you as a woman you may lose sex entirely.  I did.  But I couldn't function male any more anyway, so we didn't lose all that much.  I deal with my physical needs when alone, and fully in a female role.  I am physically wired total woman, with an attachment (preop/no op)

I hope there is something for someone that could be helpful here.  I also vascilated on hormones, calling the endo panicked, and it is because we started too early on HRT in therapy.  Withdrawl was ok but the flood of T was horrendous when it kicked in again.  Not stuff to mess around with at all.  Pro help is essential.  Now I am a year into HRT, still seeing the shrink, and relying on this board to handle the fear, while becoming really close to all the girls and boys here now.  My life depends on it.

Candles, incense and intimacy... priceless.