help for a new person please?

[Avery.u2205]

I think that if there's a place to ask about this, it would be here. My thoughts are a mess, so I apologize for the length

I identify as genderqueer/ demi-girl. A body with a strong leaning towards girl is what would fit me. But I'm still embarrassed to admit this to myself. I have a lot of self hate.

In my last therapist meeting I saw how depressed I am when I strive for male stereotypes. I'm trying drifting to what feels natural. I had the impulse to try the opposite of trans guys binding by wearing a small, plain bra. I've worn it for a week now, even some nights, under looser clothes. No one's seemed to notice. But I'm calmer and sociable. I'm usually scared of people, but now people are (briefly) wonderful to socialize with. Back in all guy clothes I"m afraid again, with no self esteem. I'm understanding why I don't let myself have friends.

I love working out, but I very easily keep low body fat levels and build toned muscle too easily. I feel selfish complaining about that, but I'm repulsed at becoming more masculine. Seeing my gym results, someone told me I was "growing a man's body". It was super triggering, and I stopped working out.

I'm an aromantic asexual (ace for short) and I do not dress for other people or enjoy anything sexual. I was worried (not sure why) that wearing this would be a sexual thing, but no, it's like wearing socks, or a shirt. It feels like a piece of clothing my body does not match, but that matches the body I feel I am. ? But it's hollow imitation, and only makes mirrors briefly bearable. It's still a hint what I'm working for with my therapist/dr. A glimpse of the body shape I feel I have, but don't really have. This makes me sad in an aching way.

I guess I'm asking if anyone else feels these things, if someone could share if something made themselves less painfully unhappy. That would mean so much to me right now

[ReaverMarcus]

Hey there Avery, you aren't the only one kind of in a situation kind of like that. Though I don't really have it as much as you.

Since my recent  Ah Ha moment (which involved a bull and that's no bull either) I'm more will to admit it to myself that I'm the wrong gender.

So far for me, something that has helped me (since I am the opposite of you) is by wearing the sports bra a size smaller than my regular ones. I never let my physical gender get too much into my head. Though some times, it's hard not to.

There's always someone here you can talk to. Susan's is a big family who wants the best for each other.

[Jessica Merriman]

When I was growing up male I was a total mess. Angry, anti social and never could fit in. I tried by compensating with an Alpha male career, but it never worked. When I admitted to myself finally that something was wrong, sought a Therapist and went full time as a female everything just clicked. The clothing never excited me, but just felt normal like my body was longing for it to feel natural and the real me. My personality has done a 180 and I am the exact opposite of what I was before. 

[Edge]

I started taking steps to transition. Just clothes, a binder, and an androgynous hair cut at first, but each step I took make me more happy.
I also started acting more like myself. That has also been slow going more from fear of other people than anything which is frustrating, but the more I act like myself, the happier I am too.
I look up pictures and watch videos of the kind of man I want look like and/or that acts the kind of way I want to act. It hurts as well because I have the body I do, but it also makes it feel better. For some reason, characters that are too close to me don't help much. Probably because I try to live vicariously through them instead of thinking of what I could do to be like me. Metal musics that I don't share much in common with personality-wise, but that I want to look and/or act like tend to be the best for cheering me up and getting me to think of myself as myself.

[Evienne]

It's ok. I understand how u feel. I can remember that the first time I wore girl cloths, up definitely felt much better than when I have to wear guy cloths. I act different too. Guess I could say I act myself. Funny how what is worn can change how u are. I guess it's because it's a taste of seeing who u want to be. And every time I do, the feeling of "this is who I'm supposed to be" gets stronger. I'm starting to really realize, and accept that I'm not in the gender I want to be, and I hope I can break free soon, and I hope that u can find the strength to break free as well, because I really do understand how hard it can be. 

[Avery.u2205]

Thank you for your replies. I'm feeling so much better after seeing my (gender) therapist today. She understood what I meant about the clothes. We talked about the things I need to do to get set up with hrt/etc, like see an endocrinologist. Right now she is basically telling me about small things I can try pre hrt, like clothes and hair, before making permanent changes. I think it I would be uneasy if she took this less seriously. I'm very excited

[Jessica Merriman]

You are definitely starting out right and intelligent about it. Good job!